Afraid of competition

[beale]

My ds (5 and going in to year 1) is very eager to win everything but afraid of competition, to the extent that he often won't get involved when he might lose. He is able academically and reasonably good physically, so there is no obvious reason he shouldn't take part, but he can get very intense, even about party games, when other children seem much happier just to have a go. Any advice on how to manage this? I'm worried he's going to lose out.

Beale, my ds1 is just 8 and has only just begun to entertain the notion that he can lose!! Unlike yours he had always thrown himself into every competition going, but it would always be a nightmare if he didn't win, being second even wasn't good enough for him.
I can totally sympathise with your ds! I don't like taking part in things that I won't succeeed at!! I like to win! I don't think you can do much really except talk with him about the fact that we can't always win. If he choses not to take part for fear of not winning I would leave it TBH. There will come a time when he feels more sure of himself. You could keep on building his self confidence so that he realises that feeling good about himself and his abilities doesn't have to be related to winning but is linked with his own sense of personal acheivement. Or maybe he will always be the sort of chap who won't take risks regarding losing. I don't think it will hold him back as he'll devise strategies to deal with this.
God luck

OOPS, meant good luck!

Thank you, kittywits - actually ds generally won't try anything without quite a lot of pressure from me (bribes then threats ...) including important stuff like swimming lessons and fun stuff like parties. Then he enjoys it (usually ...), when I've gone heavy on him (I feel rotten). Sometimes, I've gone with him and not taken him to a party (or turned back on the way) and he's upset by that too. He is honestly scared by these things, though to hear him talk you'd think he was the most confident child in the world.

He'll grow out of it, eventually, if you just hang in there. Dd1 was like this, so used to finding schoolwork easy that she assumed it was her birthright to be able to instantly manage anything she attempted at the first go, and do it (a) perfectly and (b) better than anyone else. She once aged 6 or so had a 30-minute meltdown on the beach because my mum had very unwisely organised a sandcastle-building competition, and her 11yo cousin had beaten her. [AAAARGH emoticon]

It's a long hard slog, but if you keep encouraging them to try things they find difficult, and reassure them that it's okay to make mistakes, it does gradually improve. Dd1 struggled for ages with swimming lessons -- her friend started at the same time and was quickly moved up into the higher classes, while dd1 splashed around in the non-swimmers class for two whole years. We had endless, endless discussions about it, in which I kept pointing out that it doesn't matter how quickly you learn something as long as you try your best, and had to constantly pull her up as she compared herself unfavourably with children two or more years older than her. Learning a musical instrument was helpful as well, since she's not outstandingly talented but gradually learnt that she can do quite well if she puts in the hours and isn't afraid of making mistakes.

Around 7 to 8 is the turning point, ime.

Yes - this sounds just like it. Thank you - I'll try and keep my hair on!