Thinking of changing schools

[Katherine]

I've posted here before about problems with the teacher at DSs school but things are really getting to me now. This morning she (she is also the head) cornered me and went on again about how DS is making no progress, can't spell, read or string a sentence together and even implied he has a speach problem. This was in front of DS and the rest of his class. I'm not worried about his performance (well I am but not in the same way - I don't mind if he's not a high flyer) - but I feel his confidence is being undermined and I'm worried that it will put him of learning for good. He "performs" better at home and I just feel he is being treated the wrong way at school. DD will start at the school in Sept - she will be reception, he yr 2 but that means they'll be in the same class. She is very quick to learn and I'm concerned that she might even catch up with DS and that the teacher might use this against him.

I was so upset when I left that I phoned another school I like but although they could possibly take DS they have no room for DD in Sept and obviously I want them together. I don't really want to uproot him anyway but am worried that things simply will not improve. This has happened several times before and I feel that DS has just been written off.

DH wants to have a meeting at the school and write to the governors. While I am all for this I just don't feel it will change things. She has taught for many years and is unlikely to change her methods now. I think she's just not good with kids that are struggling.

So what do I do. DS is happy enough at the school but over a yr behind his peers. He is constantly having his work rubbished in front of the other pupils and is obviously anxious about reading etc. Do I battle on where we are or move? If I move him I need to do it before DD starts - Do I appeal to the other school? I feel totally overwhelmed by all this. I'm not a confrontational type at the best of times but my dad died two weeks ago and to be honest I just feel like taking DS elsewhere. But then it seems I can't. Help!

DSs best friend is also struggling and facing similar problems. His mum said she would consider moving him too (the teacher tore up one of his drawings yesterday because it wasn't good enough) but he couldn't get in to the other school either. We know lots of other children at this other school which is why I'm thinking of it and it has a lovely atmosphere. The alternative is a much larger school further away where we don't know anybody and so I really don't feel that one is an option. What should I do? I've been in tears over it this afternoon.

Katherine, followed you from the other thread - sorry not a stalker really!

Before children I was a teacher. If I can make a few suggestions ... 1. While you are making up your mind re: moving make a list of all the incidents eg ripping up of drwaings. Add dates to the ones you can and approximates to the others.These can relate to your child or others as it demonstrates a history of a less than caring approach to children by this woman. If it came to a formal complaint about her, would any of the other Mums back you up?
2. Go to the school office and ask for the grievence procedure to be shown (or given) to you. Some schools are a bit huffy about copying stuff so be sure to take a notebook and not be pressured to rush.
3. Obtain the parent governors name and address. This is in the school prospectus or the office should give it to you. Could you have a chat to this person about your son and discuss options?

4. Collect together formal communications between you and the school about your sons progres eg report from reception yr, records taken with him from preschool. If my son was judged to be a year behind I would expect any school to be in close contact with me (regularly) and to be offering me a range of support. I think you would be safe to use words such as neglagent if they have not. I dont feel quick chats where your child is rubbished count!

As a mother of a Y1 child I would say move him - this woman sounds terrible. If you dont move him I think you should consider a complaint to the chair of governors.

Some teachers need to know that you`re not the lie down and take it type. Doing the above will let the head know you are not happy. If she were half decent she should try to resolve things with you at this point but I fear she will not.

You shouldn`t be having to do this now, I feel so much for you. Good luck - keep us posted.

Just read the bit about next Tuesday. I think its shocking she wont see you till then! I agree with others about making notes at the meeting.
I`d still do the other stuff I typed about. It may prove useful at the meeting and collecting some of the other stuff eg the complaints procedure may change her attitude.

Agree agree agree - move him. I fact I'd go a stage further and keep him at home until a place was availale in the other school. ditto for DD in Sept.
He could and will catch up easily form a reading and writing point of view - but his self confidence will take a lot longer to repair..
Good good luck - i will be thinking of you and poor DS...
What did the other mother do/say about her sons drawing been torn up - good god it sounds like the victorian era...

With my governors hat on I certainly would want to be informed if a child left aour place int his way and for these reasons.nd it is possible in your cas e that he govs wouldnt even know - so deffo speak to them.

You may find there is a long story behind her behaviour and proceedings may come out if it. ALso includ e the chief of educ for wherever shire

Good luck for tomorrow Katherine.

Katherine, any news?

We had to postpone as I suddenly reaslised I had arranged the meeting on DDs birthday (oops). So its tomorrow (Thursday) now. Have calmed down a bit as DS seems so happy with things but still really worried. Don't know what to do for the best. Don't want to take him away from his friends but still appalled at her attitude towards him and other children who are struggling. Will update after the meeting .Thanks for asking.

Wish you luck for today, Katherine.

Best of luck for today, Katherine.

How did it go? As you can see we have been thinking of you all.

It was pretty horrible

The teacher had her nice face on. Said she hadn't wanted to cause alarm and she just wanted us to be aware how DS was doing but there was no cause for panic yet etc etc.

We talked about the negative language she uses with him (He came home to say she'd taken the word cards off him as he was struggling with them). I said I didn't feel it was appropriate to talk like that in front of him and that we were concerned it would undermine his confidence. Her reply was that they were all open about their weaknesses as well as their strengths. I commented that might be fine if you had lots of strenghts and only a few weaknesses but otherwise it might be demoralising. She retorted that did we want her to tell him he was wonderful then and knew it all even when he didn't know any of the words. I was furious at her mocking tone and we debated it all at some length but I still don't feel we got the message home.

We also commented on the fact that we can see DS making lots of progress at home so why can't they see it at school? She commented that they have been learning "I wandered lonely as a cloud" all week for daffodil day and that DS is one of only 3 children in the class of 30 -4-6 yr olds who can't do it. She said that he is unmotivated and lacks concentration. Honestly you'd think she was talking about a different child.

We also talked a bit about dyslexia althouh she thinks it is far to early to think about that. We complained that DS SEEMS to be held back because he is kept on the same book and word list until he gets it perfectly but he never does which is why he seems so behind and it must be so demoralising to see the others moving on when he doesn't. She got very angry at the suggestion he was held back but what if he is diagnised next year - they wouldn't expect him to get it perfect then in which case all this time going over the same things will have been wasted. Surely its better for him to feel he's moving on and this will also help him from getting bored doing the same things day after day.

Anyway there were a few positives. She agreed to try factual reading books to try and get his interest. We made our feelings clear about the need to praise to build his confidence etc but a lot of the time I felt she just disagreed with what was said.

We came home and I cut some word cards for DS for the first line of the poem. As soon as I said "wandered" he recited the whole thing perfectly and asked me to write it all out for him. He spent the rest of the evening practising it and phoning granny to read it to her. But then said he didn't want to take it in to school. Significant or what!

Well I expect you are all assuming that we will be changing schools now. I wish we were. But DH is adamment that because DS is so shy and this is part of his problem, that by moving schools we will make it worse. We had yet another row about it last night and I feel so frustrated. I don't want to move DS either but I just don't think this school is going to work for him. I've even spoken to a friend about homelearning but don't want DS to miss out on the social aspect of school which is important if he's to overcome the shyness.

Oh its so frustrating. I want to have the same conversation with another teacher as I am sure she would give completely different answers and DS might thrive with a different approach. But DH seems to have dug his heals in so I think we will probably just keep arguing about it.

Sorry this is so long its just SOOOOOoooooo frustrating

What a witch! Sorry, not very constructive I know but she sounds so far up her own @rse that I'm surprised she can see daylight.

What about maybe printing this thread and showing it to your dh? Would that help him to see things differently or would he see us as interfering old (insert word of choice)?

I'm so sorry that this horrid woman cannot see how damaging her attitude could be. I cannot imagine any infant school child thriving in that environment let alone a shy one. Although she may think it too early to talk about dyslexia I think you have valid concerns. If he is not making the expected progress you should be able to examine the possible reasons why - her attitude, that of the school and potential learning problems being some of them. I don't know what the procedure might be though without going behind her back, perhaps the LEA could advise.

Things sound really tough for you atm, but do hope you can sort something out for your ds

Sorry to hear the meeting went badly Katherine. TBH if the head is unwilling to budge all the wonderful suggestions about ways to help your DS in school will get nowhere

Has your DH considered that your DS's shyness might be exacerbated by being in such an unsupportive environment and that with time and a positive attitude from teachers etc. he may 2come out of his shell" a little more? A shy child who is put down and made to feel a failure is naturally going to remain shy in all situations. If your DH's concern is for your DS's overall well-being taking him away from this dreadful woman will probably do the world of good, I really can't see how leaving him at this school will improve things. Is your DH also a reserved person who perhaps dislikes change?

Have decided to write all the things we discussed in a letter along with the things we feel should be done to help and send it to the teacher. Also tempted to copy it to the governors! At least this way we will have a record and she can't claim ignorance of anything we said. Have done some digging on dsylexia this morning and found some fab info including hints for teachers. Have sent it to DH to print off to give the the school.

Phoned the Special Needs section at the local authority to discuss things. They said its never too early to consider dyslexia and the earlier the better now. We can write to the them and make our case and request testing. They will provide a leaflet with advice on how to proceed.

She also suggested I contact The Parent Partnership which I have done. Their job is to offer help and support for parents. Sounds ideal. I've been assigned a keyworker who will phone or come to see me on Monday. It is such a releif to have someone else in the know involved.

I am still frustrated with DHs attitude but he think we need to give the school a chance. However he is at least agreeing with me about the problems now although we are arguing about what to do about it. Maybe he will come round though. I can't wait to see the PP lady and discuss it with her.

I really do think that DS is dyslexic. He has so many signs, a family history and I can recognise similarities with many of the other children mentioned here. I'm going to really push the assessment thing. The school will be legally obliged to help him them and at least more people will be involved.

Have to say this has also given me a strong motivation to follow a career in Educational Psychology!

Thank-you so much for your support here. You are the only thing helping me to think rationaaly about all this.

This is so upsetting to read, Katherine. I can't believe the attitudes of this woman. What can possibly be motivating her to behave in this way. I haven't got any practical suggestions, as I haven't been in this situation, but it really shouldn't be like this. In our school even the children who are performing at the lowest level academically are still praised and encouraged, and are positive about their education.

Btw I know you're thinking moving isn't an option atm, but don't rule out the 'much larger school further away' ... sometimes such schools have more resources and are better able to cope with struggling pupils. Our primary school has 60 children per year, and they are fabulous at dealing with children at both ends of the academic spectrum, (and the ones in the middle of course too!)

Katherine

Am so glad you are feeling more positive and that you are being put in touch with people who can offer practical support. I suspect that the reaction of the school to this would prove quite revealing as regards your ds' future there.

Good luck

KS- sorry if my post sounded as if I were "rubbishing" your advice, it's brilliant. I suppose I just think it would be very hard for those measures to be put in place when the head is so stubborn.

Good luck Katherine.

hi katherine,
some of the things youve said really struck a chord with me as my reception year dd is also very shy & i feel her current class situation of two teachers (jobshare) isnt benefiting her at all. unfortunately both dds teachers are b<strong>*</strong>**s & i too have considered changing schools & have only held back because she is so shy & is now settled in the school & i couldnt bare to make things worse for her. you say your sons teacher says he cannot recite the poem they are learning at school, yet he proved to you that he can by reciting it to you at home. this just proves that he isnt comfortable with his teacher & probably with being in a class of 30 children either. i was astounded at my dds recent parent teacher meeting to be told that dd knows only 16 of her 29 key words on her reading diary when she actually knows them all & a lot more besides. i help out in the class one day a week & this week dd finished a piece of work first but got no praise or sticker even though she was way ahead of the others, this disappointed me greatly. they dont seem to have a clue about her capabilities at all. when i mentioned that she has a potential for higher attainment they didnt say a word so obviously didnt agree with me. its very frustrating when you know their capabilities but the teacher is either unable through lack of time or unwilling to encourage a child to reach their full potential.
totally agree that the teacher using negative language to your son can only have a negative effect on his self esteem.
have you taken your ds to see the other school you like? perhaps if he spent a few hours there & it went well you could use it as ammunition when putting forward the case for moving ds to the school. do you know what the other schools policies are on dealing with sen & dislexic children? ask the school how they would help to integrate your shy son into an established yeargroup. arm yourself with as much information as possible regarding the good reasons to move ds & the negatives of him staying put & as somebody suggested, print this out & give it to dh to read. keep telling dh about the bad things happening at ds`s current school & hopefully he will at least agree to see the other school & then hopefully you & the headteacher there can persuede him how beneficial the move would be.
hope it all works out for you.

Katherine - this woman sounds a complete witch. Am reminded of the school that said my brother should not bother with A levels as he hadn't a hope of passing. Same brother is now on the last leg of a phd in marine biology. Oh to be such an under achiever.

Point I'm trying to make is that, with encouragement and the right environment, children can thrive beyond all recognition. Your son deserves that chance, so don't give up pressing for what you believe is right.

Finally, old mumnsetters may recall that I haven't suggested my favourite remedy for a while. However, I feel its use may be called for here. So, if all else fails, may I suggest you whack her with a brick?

katherine, oh I feel so angry on your behalf. The headteacher sounds foul. Negative language, mocking tone, keeping your son on the same books till he understands all of them .... terrible!

I think ks has given some wonderful advice on what to do to get help for your son at the school. I think it's an excellent idea to write the letter and copy it to the govenors.

I too would feel so frustrated if my husband would not consider moving schools, though. I feel you are wading through treacle in getting the head to accept change. And, even if she says things to appease you, how will you know what is really going on in the class day by day?

Could you get your husband to look at another school with you - go and talk to another head teacher so he can see what the differenct is?

Also, you say your son is shy and this makes your husband worried about moving him. Well all I can say was that I was a very shy child and I moved primary schools three times as we moved house. The moving didn't upset me as long as the school was a nice one. I went to one village school that was not nice for me, boring old fashioned lessons, unfriendly children, distant teachers. We then moved into town and I went to a lovely new primary school. I was so glad to be in a better place, I dind't miss my familiar old primary one bit.

I think it's a good idea to try for change at your sons present school, but only for so long. I do hope you can get your husband to accept that a move is best if there's not improvement.

message withdrawn