Private school and fitting in with wealthy classmates

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It's a long way off yet, but DH would like DS to go to a private secondary school, although the chances of this happening are rather slim.

If he did go we wouldn't have money for fancy holidays and nice cars (not that we do now), and one of my concerns is that DS would be perceived as the poor boy, the only one who didn't go skiing at half term and whose mum drives an old banger.

Is this how it would be, or are there a lot of parents who scrimp and save to send their children to private school and he'd fit in just fine?

Thanks for all your thoughts. The area we live in really isn't the sort of place where people send their children to private school and it probably would be viewed as snobby, so I am conscious of putting DS in a position where he doesn't feel that he fits in anywhere. On the other hand it seems there's a real range of people with children at private school so he wouldn't be the only one who wasn't filthy rich!

Food for thought. As I said though, it's a good few years before we need to be thinking about this, it was just a conversation DH and I got into a while ago after watching a programme about the old grammar school system.

Same as many of the others.

A 'normal' day school will have a real range of backgrounds. We are most definitely not rich (current joint gross income of less than £35k) and live in a modest house (but with no mtge which helps us afford fees). Staff's children, those on scholarships, children of mid-level doctors etc, none of these are mega wealthy.

I imagine there is a more of a mix at secondary because less affluent people are more likely to go for private secondary than primary as they've a) had longer to save up for it if it was always planned and b) often pulled their dc out of state secondaries for all sorts of reasons.

As for trips, we have had several trips sadly cancelled in the 18 mths that ds has been there due to lack of uptake. Whereas in the state schools I've worked in, they're always oversubscribed. The affluent people not paying fees can easily afford posh trips (and houses and cars). Those of us only just affording fees often can't (afford any of the above).

We have a very comfortable life, go skiing, nice cars etc but my children and I have friends from all walks of life. I would much rather have a lovely, kind friend with no money than a friend who judges people on income.

Our car is old and our house is scruffy. The dcs grandparents paid the school fees as for some reason neither DH nor I have what it takes to earn a lot. Our house has no heating upstairs and not much downstairs so we keep warm by lighting fires. When my dcs' friends came to stay they didn't seem to notice the lack of tennis court/swimming pool but they loved having a real fire in their bedroom.
My dcs had plenty of friends at school and the fact we are less well off than many of the parents was never an issue.

Is this how it would be, or are there a lot of parents who scrimp and save to send their children to private school and he'd fit in just fine?

Really depends on the school. If you get a feel that the parents are like you, then you will fit in. There are always the cliquey ones, but it is not money, exactly, that draws them to each other, it is perceived class and hobbies in common, eg shooting. Certain people will only associate with people just like them and you cannot become friends with them. They do not want you, and it will be obvious. I could tell you a few stories about these people at our school but good manners prevents me from doing so!

On the other hand, there will be enough other parents who will be welcoming and their children will be too. Our school had a lot of events for families so we made friends through this. Our DDs largely made friends with the girls they liked, irrespective of background.

Do be careful about one thing though. One or two bursary girls did have problems at school and very much resented that they could not have the same holidays and belongings as some of the other girls. This led to disagreements between the girls and some parents would not have the bursary girls to parties etc because of the upset caused. It was unpleasant for everyone concerned. If you have a child who could be jealous, be very careful regarding your choice of school.

I worried about this. But ds fits in fine and is having a whale of a time. The school offers a lot of bursaries/ scholarships etc and this does mean that there is a far wider range of backgrounds than you might imagine from the 'look' of the school. I can't pretend there aren't some kids from very wealthy families there, but there are plenty of the middling sort too - and then there's us

Everyone wears secondhand uniform and ds reckons only about 10% of his form are going on the half-term skiing trip. It's not a big deal. As PPs have said, very few kids at this age give a toss about how much money their mates have; they've got far more important stuff to talk about!

When you see how the 2nd hand uniform if treated you will never buy new again... Please - everyone. My DS's go to some very snazzy boarding schools - very well known. it really doesnt matter. I dont know anyone who shoots (I hate the sport) although they must be around. Ignore the cars. Its the battered Land Rover and the parents who look scruffy that are the rich ones.

At my DS's senior school some twit (he was from a country where showing off is a national sport but I wont reveal it!) turned up in a yellow ferrari (I know - looked like a speedy banana). He wasnt blessed with good looks (why do men with flashy sports cars have to be so unattractive).

He was revering the engine and tooting for his DS to come down.

Some chap in a battered Land Rover and a flat cap came over and told him to stop it as it was frightening his dogs in the back of his car. It was Lord so and so.....