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Original poster

guess what my DD told me on the way home today (not funny, bit sad)

65 replies

BagelBird · 29/06/2006 15:51

she said that she wishes she could break her arm really badly so that she didn?t have to go to school tomorrow
when I told her that it would really really hurt she said that it would be ok if only she didn?t have to go in anymore.

She said it with such a little voice and a sad look on her face, made me want to cry.
She used to love going to school, I am hoping it is just end of term tiredness and a bit of a phase, but feel so sad that she is utterly miserable. There are a few issues surrounding it all with friendships etc but it has all been resolved. Unfortunately, it has zapped all her enthusiasm and now sees school as a place to worry about, where the work is hard and "boring", you get left on your own in the playground and big children often say nasty things to you just for fun....
Just wish I could carry her away for the next three weeks of term and keep her all to myself
I guess it means yet another chat with her class teacher (which will achieve little butmake me feel better for letting the school know she is feeling rather negative etc etc) and try to chivvy her along. I hate it though. I wish I didn?t have to take her there as well - the walk to school is just as much a worry as it is for her, hating me smiling away, telling her how much fun she will have blah blah, feeling like an utter traitor knowing that she genuinely doesn?t like it

Ok, rant over, just needed to share my woe. Her dad has taken her out to get an ice cream in vague attempt to cheer her up.

OP posts:

TooTicky · 29/06/2006 16:55

Oh KateF, how awful

FrannyandZooey · 29/06/2006 17:10

I would definitely take her out. Being there is achieving absolutely nothing for her if she feels that way.

Things may improve after the summer or you may find you like having her at home too much to let her go back

shoppingsecret · 29/06/2006 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScummyMummy · 29/06/2006 17:38

Very to read this, BagelBird. And kateF. It just seems so wrong and unfair for your poor dds to be so unhappy at school. I sympathise with Enid's plucking her out of shcool idea- i'd be very tempted- but I think Batters is right that it's a bad idea. A lot of long term school refusal issues start in these circumstances, apparently. I so hope things improve for both your daughters next year.

fennel · 29/06/2006 17:44

bagelbird it's very painful isn't it.

on the taking out of school for a while. my friend did this. she has a highly sensitive girl who gets on well with adults but often not with her peers. she removed her from playgroup for a couple of terms, cos she wasn't happy, then started her in the pre-school the next autumn, and removed her from there in November because she wasn't happy, and kept her at home the rest of the year. the child started reception the next September and settled a lot better than the previous year. the taking out for a period did work for her. the child was more able to cope with school the next year.

juuule · 29/06/2006 17:53

I did the same with one of my dds. She settled at playgroup until christmas when she became unhappy. We persevered for a while longer but I couldn't see when she was so unhappy so withdrew her. Friends and relatives told me that I was just showing her she could opt out of anything she didn't like and that I was just putting things off until nursery. When September came and she started nursery, she was a little reserved for the first week and after that she never looked back. Looking back, I think taking her out of playgroup was exactly the right thing to do for her. I really don't think it sends the wrong message that if we are really unhappy with something and there is an alternative that we should take that alternative.

Enid · 29/06/2006 18:21

I think it would only send the wrong message if you did it persistently

at 5 its not going to matter

you could always lie and say you rae 'haivng a holiday'

honestly if I were in your shoes I would have to consider it

can you not afford a smaller private school?

Enid · 29/06/2006 18:22

after all, lots of people really do 'ahve a holiday' in term time

Enid · 29/06/2006 18:22

and after a long break she will be ready to go back and that bit older

you could spend the summer inviting classmates round and helping her to form a gang of friends

layla · 29/06/2006 18:42

Poor love.Another suggestion as well as the good ones here is if you are free during the day could you help out at the school for a while to keep an eye on her a bit while she settles in.School's often welcome help during dinner times in the playground if that is where she finds hardest.Don't fret too much.I have had a worrying time with ds fitting in.He would come home and tell me he was on his own all playtime.Then he was bullied which had to be nipped in the bud.Then he had to be moved tables in the classroom for taunting without the teacher being aware.But with help from the school and efforts being made to help him make a wider circle of friends he has turned around.He is now a very popular boy who loves his new friends,has plenty of different ones so if one is off he can play with others.He's being invited to tea all the time and has a weekly meeting with 5 friends to play games.Just remember little kids can be very kind too especially if they know someone has a problem.DD has a very quiet little girl in her class who would not speak at all and they are all so nice to her.

Original poster

BagelBird · 29/06/2006 20:58

Thank you all for your wise words and support. It does help having some empathetic and objective opinions and suggestions.
I have no idea what we are going to do. My head hurts thinking about it all. I couldn?t eat anything for lunch or dinner today I am so unbelievably upset by all of this. Need to relax and get it in perspective.
Going to make an appt with class teacher tomorrow and get assertive (in a positive and friendly way!).
Thanks again for being there x

OP posts:

Original poster

BagelBird · 29/06/2006 20:59

KateF - will be thinking of your DD tomorrow, poor love. Hope she has a better day tomorrow too.

OP posts:

KateF · 29/06/2006 21:03

Thanks BagelBird - we've just had another bout of tears and "I don't want to go back there ever again" . I'm so glad you started this thread because I really needed to talk about it too. I hope you have a productive meeting tomorrrow. I'm not even going to bother with the Parents Evening this time as I just want to get her through the next three weeks. Am hoping the more structured day in Year 1 will help her. Hope your dd is feeling better now.

frumpygrumpy · 29/06/2006 21:15

Oh bagelbird, this strikes a chord. My DD is similar. She started shcool last August and I hated it. She started well and it deteriorated. One say she said she had no one to play with at lunchtime and just sat on the wall alone (for an hour) and got freezing cold (middle of winter). My heart broke in two. Luckily for me the teacher and playground supervisor were wonderful. I also mentioned it to some mums who were totally wonderful and invited her to theirs and tried to build up some friendships. My DD won't go to other peoples houses though.....

My DD was off school at Christmas for some time with a nasty hospitalised illness. It set us back even more and she would scream and cry when plucked out of my arms in the morning. I cried buckets privately.

I do keep up with having kids at our house and take her to some outside classes (gym and ballet) to give her other influences (one girl in particular that she really gets on with is a confident girl and my dd becomes confident around her). I've seen a big change in the last few months.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it will change. Don't alienate her from them because it will be all the harder going back after summer. My DD didn't settle better until she had made some more solid friendships. Even now they are not solid but much firmer than before. Keep pushing for her. I know how much it hurts taking her in and doing the smile - Ive done it and it makes me fill up thinking about it. At our worst times, I would say to DD to have a really busy day and it would go fast. She still says it to me now "be really busy mum and the time will go quick". Remember its probably only playtimes that she's struggling with. Classroom time will be structured and thats what my DD is happiest with.

My dd is 5.5 and they are still very very young to be finding friends that will provide security. Keep going, you are doing all that you can. Ice creams and baking too, thats fab.

jennifersofia · 29/06/2006 23:23

This really strikes a chord with us too. My dd1 is in reception (London) and having a similar experience. She said to me tonight "I don't want to go to school, we have to do all this learning" which sounds funny as I type it, but it has been such an ongoing thing, and very much to do with the social side of things. She said also the other day, "Don't ever ask me if I want to go to school because the answer will always be no." It is very upsetting. She too finds the free play, noise and chaos of lunch time difficult. I am hoping that things will be easier with the structure of Y1 but am worried that it will all go even further the other way. It is interesting that there are several of us (with girls) that the current reception format doesn't work for.

swedishmum · 30/06/2006 00:18

Poor thing. Mine are older (Y4 and 5) but I have changed both their schools this year, best thing I ever did. I'm not dvocating knee jerk reactions by the way.

swedishmum · 30/06/2006 00:18

Poor thing. Mine are older (Y4 and 5) but I have changed both their schools this year, best thing I ever did. I'm not dvocating knee jerk reactions by the way.

shoppingsecret · 30/06/2006 09:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KateF · 30/06/2006 16:56

How did your meeting go BagelBird. dh and I had a long chat today and are going to look at another school with the possibility of moving the girls for next year.

Original poster

BagelBird · 30/06/2006 18:02

The meeting was only partially successful but at least I let the teacher know exactly how much it is all affecting DD at home - restless nights, tearful mornings, withdrawn, reluctant to do any school work at all etc etc. They agreed that it needed dealing with but were vague about how. The school will monitor her closely next week and will have a meeting next Fri to discuss their "findings", they are going to have a word with the dinner ladies and playground duty staff to keep an eye out. TBH I don?t know why this hasn?t already happened weeks ago when first concerns raised.. Asked me not to go in to observe her as they thought it would confuse her and give her something else to ask for in future - mum to stay.
We are doing everything our end, now going to give them a chance to come up with strategies from their end.

Thanks for your ongoing support, so relieved it is the weekend and we have two days to ourselves.

KateF, so pleased that you have talked to Dh about it all, hope that it has helped you. Sorry to hear you are at the stage where you are considering other schools but sounds like a positive step tbh. If next week doesn?t convince me, we will consider the same as well.
Good Luck

OP posts:

singersgirl · 30/06/2006 18:39

Sorry to hear about your DD and hope the observation etc next week helps. It is nearly the end of term...

dottyspots · 30/06/2006 21:35

Home education?

Even if only temporarily?

My almost 10 year old was home-edded for 3years but chose to return to school this academic year and is now doing fine (well, he moans occasionally - but I'd be worried if he didn't).

I hated school as a child and never got used to it. I was a persistant truant throughout the last 3 years of school (when I was so desperate to not go I didn't care anymore).

Beauregard · 30/06/2006 21:38

for your dd.

KateF · 30/06/2006 21:41

I've looked into home-edding and liked the idea but dh not supportive as he wants me to work to take the pressure off him being the only earner. Also, not sure I could cope with dd1 at home all the time. I do think it would be the best thing for dd2 though.

dottyspots · 30/06/2006 23:34

My dh was initially horrorfied at the thought of HE - it took 2 years of our eldest going through absolute hell at school before he would consider it. Over 3 years down the line and he's happy for dd and ds3 never to go to school! Although ds2 has gone back to school and we're looking for a p/t place at Special School for our eldest (as the extra specialist support would be helpful in his case).

With regards to working it is worth looking at what job you are likely to get and how much of a difference this will make after childcare costs (inc. any child tax credit help you may get etc.)

I find that childminding and home-edding works really well together and know of quite a few home-educating childminders.

There are various jobs that can be done from home - in addition, some families manage to HE and work outside of the home (depending on the jobs/shifts) - in fact there's all sorts of ways of balancing both. I'm not saying it's easy - but it is possible.

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