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Original poster

DD1 is being bullied.

88 replies

pie · 12/02/2004 15:43

She has been at her new school for a month, in Recpetion. DH took DD2 for a walk as my PND is really bad today. He stood outside the playground for 15 mintues literally watching DD1 being hit, kicked and pushed in the mud. Then crying and being hit and having her hair pulled till she fell on the ground. The teacher did NOTHING. DH ended up going over to the gate and screaming at the teacher, who simply said he will look into it, he's not in charge of the playground.

WTF??? I have been seriously considering HE as she has just been having a crap time (not settling in) of it...but now. God, I'm livid. I'm going in tomorrow morning, what should I say? Who do I talk to?

DD1 had such a tough time when I was ill last year and her nursery were fantastic, F**k what do I do?

OP posts:
bundle · 12/02/2004 16:21

poor little lamb & poor you
she needs a lot of love tonight and her favourite tea...
try rehearsing what you might say to the head, then you won't get flustered

Tinker · 12/02/2004 16:25

Good luck tomorrow pie, sounds absolutely horrible for your little girl

binkie · 12/02/2004 16:41

Pie, you might find this page helpful - says in particular take somebody in with you.

Personally I don't think much of the argument that if dd misses tomorrow she's more likely to brood over half-term. I'd keep her off and give her a treat.

Luckymum · 12/02/2004 16:42

Pie....this is just awful for you all. Its unacceptable for any adult to stand by while a child is physically attacked in that way.

I would go in tomorrow as planned, see how she feels in the morning before you take her with you. Write down everything you want to say, your questions and most importantly have a think about what you want them to do about it. Lay it on the line and then arrange to go back a few days after half term so that they know that they can't fob you off. Its horrid and if you're anything like me you'll probably end up in tears because you're so mad but try and stay calm.

Keep us posted X

prufrock · 12/02/2004 17:10

Pie no advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to send my sympathies and outrage to you and your dd and dh. She really should't have to go through this, but lucky her to have such a great Mum to go into battle and get it sorted out for her.

Original poster
pie · 12/02/2004 17:11

Thanks for that link binkie. Am in 2 minds about taking DD1 in tomorrow will see how she is in the morning.

I have no idea how long this has been going on for, but last nigh she soiled herself in her sleep, something she hasn't done for 3 years and was in nappies? Could this mean anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
pie · 12/02/2004 17:12

Thanks

OP posts:
binkie · 12/02/2004 17:35

Poor poppet on the night accident. It may not be related - though, suddenly thought, maybe she's scared to go to the loo at school, so messing up her normal timings? Ds's school makes the little ones & newbies go to the loo in pairs - could that be something to ask about? And on ways of protecting the more vulnerable generally, ds seems to get assigned a "buddy" for quite a lot of school things - he needs a bit of social help and it doesn't seem to stigmatise him.

Even if it isn't connected it's bound to make her feel miserable and embarrassed all by itself. All the more reason for a change of scene - are you going to be able to get away for half-term?

WideWebWitch · 12/02/2004 18:33

Whaaat? I've only just seen this Pie and am outraged on your behalf. I'd complain too, loud and long adn def get dh to go with you since he saw it. What was the teacher on? How COULD he watch and do nothing? How bloody awful, your poor dd. I'd keep her off tomorrow personally if it's what she wants you to do while you're looking into it. Sounds like it is. Crap argument on the next week brooding thing too imo. Let us know what happens won't you?

marthamoo · 12/02/2004 19:06

Pie, that is appalling, you must be heart-broken. The school has a duty of care to look after your child and I would say in this case they have failed lamentably. It's beyond me how the teacher could say he's "not in charge of the playground." Firstly, if he wasn't on playground duty, why was he there? Secondly, if he wasn't on playground duty, who was? And thirdly, no teacher (no human being!) should ever stand back and not intervene if a child is being victimised.

I think I would send dd, if you can bear to - but make sure she knows you are going in and this is going to be sorted out. Can your dh go with you? You need to know the school is going to ensure this never happens again. I believe some level of bullying happens in most schools but standing back and letting it happen is totally unacceptable.

Rehearse what you are going to say, and don't let them fob you off. Good luck.

melsy · 12/02/2004 19:38

This so upsetting & disgusting, I went through the same when I was a child , but this was 25 years ago. I really thought schools had come a long way with regards to bullying.The victim then was (will I was) treated as if they were the one who instigated it. There should be a strict NO TOLERANCE rule in all schools. I know it must have been terrifying to see , it sounds strange but it good in away that your DH had witnessed it , as many parents dont see the physical abuse that children can endure at schools. This must not be allowed to continue. All schools should have a programme of learning with talks & discussion with both teachers & pupils with regards to this. Plan your strategy for your talk ahead , this makes you feel all the more able and stronger. It always worked in negotiations at work. Sorry if I sound militant, but this affected me very deeply.

1)Explain your anger (dont get angry) , far more powerful a message if you tell them calmly.
2) Tell them what you want to see happen, the outcome.
3) Tell them you want a follow up letter about what is going to be done about this & state when you want it.
4) Think about what you dont want to happen in the discussion.This strangely sometimes helps to keep your communication clear. As you will probably be very emotional.

Sorree if that seems intense & I hope i dont seem patronising, but planning difficult situations before hand makes all the difference to how you deal with it.

Lots of luck

Let us know how it goes.

Enid · 12/02/2004 19:41

What a sorry story, thinking of you and your poor dd1, good luck tomorrow x E

aloha · 12/02/2004 19:49

Personally, I wouldn't send her tomorrow. But I'd go in myself with dh and raise hell if necessary. How dare they not protect your lovely, beautiful, sweet little girl?? I'm outraged on your behalf and hers. Thank God for your dh walking by. Aaargh...it makes me mad. What kind of person watches a small child being hurt and does nothing? It beggars belief, it really doesn.

Good luck for tomorrow. Talk to your dd and tell her you will protect her and defend her and always believe her. Poor you and poor her.

firestorm · 12/02/2004 20:19

pie, i am appalled & outraged by your dd`s treatment. its almost beyond belief that a teacher could stand & watch while dd was attacked. its just lucky dh was there to witness it for himself.
i personally would not send her back to that school again. if i did i would spend all day worrying about what was going on in the playground. im sure they will promise that it wont happen again but could you ever trust them?
as she has only just started school i would be inclined to take her out of that school & re start her at another school in september in year one, this would give her time to get over the bad experience before starting afresh.
i would also give the lea the full story on what happened.
good luck tomorrow. give them hell, they deserve it.
sending big hugs to you and your poor little angel.

Batters · 12/02/2004 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hercules · 12/02/2004 21:41

I bet that teacher would be complaiming if he went to work and his colleagues hit, kicked, pushed hime etc. I've never seen how it can be different for children and us. I wouldno go to work if i was treated this way!!!!
Some people shouldnt be teachers.

nutcracker · 12/02/2004 21:42

Oh Pie, i am so sorry to hear this. There reaction was outragous IMO. There is a big bullying prob in my DD's class at the mo and it's only just starting to get sorted because several moms went to the head, who has said that she didn't know anything about it as the class teacher hadn't told her there was a problem.
I would definatly go and see the head, and i don't think i'd send her back unitl you have some reasurances that it will be dealt with. Hugs to your DD

Posey · 12/02/2004 21:43

Just wanted to add my support to you. Go in, give them hell, demand answers, don't let them brush it aside. I feel sick just thinking about it.
Good luck tomorrow.

3GirlsMum · 12/02/2004 21:51

Thats terrible Pie. I do think she should go to school otherwise you may find that she will start to avoid it. However advise your dd to shout as loud as possible if this girl comes anywhere near her and send a letter in to the school tomorrow telling them that you have told her to do just that.

You have been given some great advice from the other mums here and I would stick firmly to your guns when you go in but keep calm and rational so that they realise you will not under any circumstances accept this type of behaviour. ((hugs))))

tigermoth · 12/02/2004 22:50

Pie, I remember you posting on a thread with me and other mothers - we all had children starting reception in January. I am really sorry your daughter's first weeks of school have been so nerve-wracking for her and for you. I don't know what playground policy her school has, but the teacher's attitude to this particular incident stinks.

Definitely bring in your dh tomorrow - he saw the incident, you need him there. I don't know what I'd do about bringing in your dd. Probably keep her away unless she wants to go in.

I'd think about what assurances you need from the school - what can they do to build up your trust? Is the teacher a regular one? is the playground usually better staffed? Is the head very sympathetic to you?

And also, is your dd good at telling you what happens during her day? would she tell you if she was endangered or bullied? If you don't think your dd will tell you (and she's only 4 after all), and you don't feel you can trust the staff at this school to protect your daughter, I would seriously look around for another school now. Then give her till the end of this term to settle in where she is, and if things are no better, move her.

tamum · 12/02/2004 22:53

How can anyone with any shred of humanity have stood there and let that happen? It's absolutely sickening, literally. I would love to give her a big cuddle. I do hope you get some sense out of them tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you all.
xx

bloss · 12/02/2004 23:04

Message withdrawn

aloha · 12/02/2004 23:13

Cool post Bloss. Pie, this IS a big deal. Don't let the school intimidate you.
PS yes please to the party! Mail me.

Original poster
pie · 13/02/2004 07:17

Thank you so so so so much for all your replies, it really means a lot to me and has helped me to get things straight in my own head.

Before looking at other schools I am going to see if this is a one off and can be resolved. The schools round here are hellish to get into, in fact she only got a place as other parents dropped off the list and was intially facing not going to school at all.

DD1 has asked me this morning if she CAN go to school but talk to the head teacher when we get there. So both DH and I are going to take her in and talk to the head. DH has already told me what he is going to say and I am going to ask about the bullying policy and how they intend to follow up, in fact I will probably just repeat the posts here

Given that DD1 is quite jolly this morning and dancing round saying she wants to go in and that now this is all out in the open, I'm going to go with what she feels is ok. DH has already decided that he will lurk at break time to see if talking to the teachers makes a difference (and to make sure nothing happens).

I will post when I get back and let you know what the teachers say.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
sobernow · 13/02/2004 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.