How to help DD deal with this...?

[Schmedz]

My DD had her Year 7 Induction Day today and although she really enjoyed it, she has expressed real concern over one of the other children who has also been accepted at the school. This child bullied her mercilessly in Year 3, left the school in Year 4 and basically my DD breathed a sigh of relief.

The child is not in my DDs actual Form but there is a lot of whole year group activity etc...etc.. And basically my DD has told me she felt very frightened when she saw this child today and is worried.

Should I mention it to the Head of Year? I have no desire to give the child a bad reputation before they have even started and have expressly forbidden my DD from bad mouthing the child to her friends or saying anything at all to anyone in the year about what happened. I have told her that people can change and perhaps the child deserves the benefit of the doubt and if worst comes to worst, she can always talk to the staff who will deal with any current issue, but seeing this child again really brought up some horrible feelings and has tainted DD's excitement about starting at this new school in September, despite all my efforts to get her to focus and talk about the positives of today and what she has to look forward to in Year 7.

WWYD if it was your DD?

If you are asking your child not to mention what happened earlier I am concerned for your child as this would seem to ignore/belie the fact that this child bullied your dd and caused her great suffering.

I would flag it up to the HOY. Transition from primary to secondary is really tough and the year team are there is support your DD. They need to know.

Do you know why this child left? If she was 'asked' to leave, iyswim(!) there's a strong possibility that the secondary school already know about her. They will have had discussions about her with her primary.

Please explain the situation to the new school.

Snog ... She can vent all she likes to me at home, but I am trying to teach her to respect others and I also don't want her to be known as a troublemaker/negative influence by telling her new peers all about what this particular child was like 3 years ago. This I fear will have the effect of making her look like the 'bad guy' when in fact she is perfectly justified in her feelings! She is, of course, also free to speak to her closest friends but I don't believe ANY child deserves to be judged by word of mouth rather than on their actual self and I do believe that people can change, and certainly hope this is the case with this nasty particular child.

I will chat to the HOY to flag it up. Thankfully my DD is also a little older and a little more mature, and has regained her confidence...she is also surrounded by very loyal and loving friends as well going up with her to senior school so will have a lot of people who wouldn't allow anyone to hurt her in any way!

I would flag it to HOY, but tactfully "The don't get along and X tends to dominate my DD which upsets her" kind of things.

I'll be impressed if there is truly a lot of whole yr activity; not my experience with DS or when I was in school, either.

I think you've taken absolutely the right approach with your daughter - but I would also flag it to gently to the school so they can keep an eye out. Fingers crossed the child in question has changed and all would be fine -but as a parent I would want to make sure the school were aware so could hopefully jump on anything if it did occur.

I would speak to the school. This child may not be in the form class but they won't necessarily be taught as a form all the time and may end up in class together.

My DS4 was verbally bullied at high school - last part of year 7, all of year 8 and first part of year 9. Horrible, horrible words that were said to him. I was always ringing the Year team. They did the best they could for him. As he got into year 9 the bully started to grow up along with the rest of them.

My DS4's last GCSE exam was Monday and he is now 'FREE' from school . As a treat we paid for the WWE (wrestling) pay per view for him. I sat in the kitchen on the laptop and listened to my DS4 screaming laughing with the boy who bullied him throughout that time. They have made friends. He asked was it OK to invite the boy to watch the wrestling with him. The boy apologised to both my son and me last night x

In my opinion most definitly contact the Year team. Explain what the situation is and your fears and worries. Thats what they are there for. Its a scary time for both parent and child when the journey from Primary school to High school happens.

We used to have an exercise book that 'lived' in my DS's room. If he was worried he would write down what was worrying him and I did the same. We would sometimes both write in it every day and other times many weeks would pass by without anything being logged into the book.

Good luck, hope everything goes well x

Contact whoever is in charge of primary links in the school and/or assistant head of year/head of year 7.

Explain as you have here that you are not wishing to jump the gun in any way but that there is history of bullying in year 3 and could they ensure that any repeat is nipped in the bud.

All HOY will have primary liaison records/their own notes and they can add this to them. If they have already divided the kids into groups too it might make a difference to mention it if several forms are going on an icebreaker, perhaps they can ensure these two forms go separately/with other groups iyswim

Definitely mention it to the school, preferably the Head of year 7 or Head of house. I've got my own horror story about a bully who was known to us before we found out our daughter & the bully had been placed in the same class. Won't bore you with it but feel its confident if you have concerns, that's these are passed on to the school. I'm sure you're doing all you can to increase DD's confidence in herself; this is certainly the best option for our children & then any bullies will stop being so problematic.

I would tell the school exactly what went on. If the girl has changed, it will be very quickly obvious to the school. If she hasn't, then your dd will be taken seriously if things start, it won't be treated as a "they're all rubbing shoulders a bit settling in".
If the school could flag it up as well, if they are willing to, then I think that would be taken more seriously as well.

I think you're right though to stop her bad mouthing round school, it won't make her look good either.

Sorry, when I say ask the school to flag it up, I mean her current school speaking to the new school.

Thanks so much for all your advice (and shabba for the hopeful story!). I have contacted her HOY..don't want to look like an overprotective parent or indulgent mother, but DDs words to me is that she feels 'frightened'.

Agree that prevention is better than cure

What comes over to me is that you sound more concerned for the bully than for your own child's feelings

Gosh, snog...judgemental much?

we all try and do our best when our children are at school. No matter if they are at primary or secondary or at college. Thats ALL we can do......

I think banning your dd from speaking about what happened to her before and voicing her fears with her friends at school is unsupportive to a frightened ten year old and likely to make her feel socially isolated

Well we'll have to agree to disagree on that point. Unfortunately there is no 'pain free' answer in this situation and I feel it would be far worse for my DD socially and emotionally to go into her new school and new peer group being known as the child who speaks badly about others.

As vile as the other child's behaviour was towards her 3 years ago, I don't believe 'once a bully always a bully'...the child obviously had problems of her own and I hope they are sorted because if they are not and there is the slightest hint of any repeat behaviour I will be at the school everyday demanding to know how they will deal with it

My DD currently has more self confidence than ever before, a great group of friends who are going to senior school with her and I want her to focus on positive expectations of the excitement and opportunties to come. I don't believe focussing on the negative or potential negatives does her any good emotionally. I also think that she has spent more than enough of her valuable time and energy being bothered with this particular child and frankly, I don't think the child deserves a second more of it.

You've done the right thing by letting HOY know. The relevant teachers will probably be told to keep an eye out. I teach Drama to Year 7s and having information which can affect the group dynamic is important.

UPDATE!

miraculously, the 'bully' apologised to my daughter not long after they started school and said she was sorry for all she had done to upset her and asked for her forgiveness!!
Understandably DD was quite sceptical at first and said she would think about it, and as of the last day of term they seem to be on amicable terms.
Thanks to all those who gave advice for reporting to HOY - I think this has helped with any potential problems and possibly even influenced the change in their relationship.
There is certainly hope.

That's good news. Well done you and your DD for having enough faith in human nature to hope that the bully might be a reformed character. I'm so glad that you were proved right.

If she can keep it at 'amicable' then that is probably best. DD was bullied in Y7, so much that I asked for her to move forms. A few years later on they became friends. A few more years later on, the bully showed weird behaviour again. DD is not really mates with her now but tolerates her in group situations. 'Amicable' is a safe middle ground.