Discussing education with interfering grandparents!

[susanmt]

Basic background : my dd1 is 4 next week. It being Scotland, I have a choice about whether she goes to school this August at age 4.5 or the following year at age 5.5. I've looked into this a lot, I'm a teacher when I'm not a SAHM and we've decided. for a variety of reasons, to keep her until 5.5. She's lucky to be learning a second language (Gaelic) in her nursery, all her little friends are going when we want her to go, I'd like her to go to the Gaelic medium primary, where she will get total immersion in the language, so another year in nursery will bring that on, and anyway, in Scandinavia they send kids to school at 7 and by 10 they are at the same level as our kids who went at 4 or 5.

Anyway, sorry, I'm not looking for advice on this, we have made our minds up. Dh's Mum is a nursery teacher and is delighted by our decision. My Mum has come round to it, though she doesn't really agree. The trouble is my stepmum. I usually get on really well with her, but she violently disagrees with us on this, partly, I think, because she is a primary teacher herself. She's come up with loads of reasons (the main one being that dd1 will be bored at school if she has another year of nursery ?? eh ??) and every time we talk she now brings it up. Its got to the stage I don't want to phone my Dad in case I end up having to defend my choices on my children's education (we will be doing the same with ds, who is also a Feb birthday).
There have been mild disagreements with our parents on parenting issues before (eg we dont smack them as much as my Dad would like!) but this is the first time that they have ever decided they know better than us and have gone on about it. I have researched this thoroughly but when I tried to explain this my Dad just said 'Your DSM has been a teacher for 35 years, are you suggesting she doesn't know what she is talking about' so I ended up offending them both.

I've got BAD PND at the moment and don't know how to tell them to leave us alone on this while still supporting us in other areas, where we really need it. I suppose this isn't really an education question, more a 'how do I deal with my parents' question, but I'd value your input. Thanks a lot.

I've just written a feature about this and got some great stuff from the La Leche League (perhaps oddly). They teach women how to handle criticism because so many long-term breastfeeders get intense and sustained criticism of their choice that they actually train women how to handle it (so much for the breastfeeding nazis, eh?!). They suggest one of your approaches - ie explain, but that clearly hasn't worked for you, so you could trying using one or more of the following phrases,

"I really don't like to be criticised."
Having your support means so much to me.
Everyone has to make the decision they feel is best for their situation.
It?s obvious how much you love this child
That's certainly another way of doing things.
You could be right.
I understand you are saying this because you care about X. However, I would like to try this and see how it goes.

I suspect you may go with the top two options and also try changing the subject - basically refuse to discuss it any more. SO when they say, Are you still planning to keep her at nursery, you might try a joke, 'Yes, but when she's 18 she can leave home" and then change the subject. Or say, You've given us so much support and I really appreciate it, but you know I feel quite low at the moment so I find it painful to argue with you about this one issue. Can we agree to disagree/Can we see how it goes?" She's only three anyway, so maybe you could even say, "well you've given us a lot to think about" and sort of imply you may rethink your decision as she gets older, even though you know you wont. In a year you will feel much stronger and happier and be more able to deal with this. Also, maybe get your husband to talk to them, to say that he appreciates all their help and it would be great if they could avoid the subject ATM as it upsets you to be criticized at the moment?

Any use at all?

BTW I think you are right!

Can you just ask her to agree to disagree.

it depends on her though. I agree on most things with my mother, and disagree with every single piece of advice I've ever had from my MIL. The problem I have found with my MIL is that no matter how many time I take the time to explain to her why we are doing x, y and z she just doesn't listen. Now we tend to go for the "well that's the way it is so if you don't agree with it tough" apprach and then leave the room so she can't argue anymore. I would prefer to do it in a different way, but have found it doesn;t work. She is simply inacpapable of seeing anyone else's point of view. SO it depends on you stepmum really and what type person she is. This apprach has worked for us and she doesn;t carry on so much these days.

susanmt, I've had the same argument with ds's pre-school, his school, and some (not all) of my teacher friends. I spent the whole of last summer taking criticism for holding ds back a term, but stuck to my guns. It must be much harder for you to take this from a family member. I would go with jimjams approach. Could your DH have a quiet word with her and explain that, due to PND, he didn't want you to be upset or badgered over this issue? Sort of 'putting his foot down?' He could probably get away with using that exact phrase, because he isn't directly related to her. Sometimes DHs putting their feet down comes in handy!

aloha, that's interesting. I'm a long-term breast-feeder (mostly covertly now, lol) and I had no idea LLL were doing that sort of counselling. Your feature sounds interesting.

Hi Susanmt

She's your DD. While your stepmum has lots of experience, she is not responsible for making decisions regarding your DD's future. I'm sure that your DD will thoroughly enjoy her time in nursery and move up with her friends in due course. And you're right - one of my friends was born in Denmark and thinks we're awful for sending children to school so young.

I think you have to be polite, but firm and tell your dad and stepmum that you've made your decision. Hope this helps.

Sympathy - I know what you are going through. I made the decision a couple of years ago to HE my kids, but even though ds is now 5 and I have stuck to my guns, people still think they have the right to comment. Usually along the lines of 'what makes you think you can do this?' I don't know what to advise, really. People seem incapable of keeping their comments to themselves, and everyone always knows better. oooh I sound bitter, don't I?

susanmt
sorry to hear about bad PND - much sympathy.
Lots of good advice here and best of luck. But I don't think you should be having to fight this one - can your dh handle it or give you a bit of protection?