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Original poster

Flunking school.Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

30 replies

ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 15:52

My fourteen year old dd has always hated working/school work/academia. It is getting to the stage where I am pulling my hair out and have run out of options. I have tried everything - threats, bribery, changing schools, strict routines, leaving her to it, outside help (therapists, psychiatrists, help with school work, you name it).

So, give me some inside info. Did you flunk school? Why? What would have helped/worked/put you back on the straight and narrow? Have you succeeded in later life?

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spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 15:55

My dd (also 14) is flunking school too.

And I did as well Blush

All the women in our family seem to have a stubborn streak whereby everything has to be done on our own terms Blush

But seriously - I am now taking a broader view of dd's school situation. It isn't the end of the world if she flunks school and then does her GCSEs afterwards at college. I believe this is what will happen. In the meantime we are gritting our teeth until she is 16. She is a bright girl, so I'm confident that she'll get there in the end, but it may be that she has to do this on her own terms.

nutcracker · 09/04/2006 15:57

With me the problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life so felt I had nothing to work towards.

All my friends had form ideas about what career they wanted and I hate not knowing.

lars · 09/04/2006 15:57

Yes, I did to be honest I didn't like the school and some of the people in it. I didn't flunk all my subjects though. My parents just didn't realise how bad the school was. No one had any ambition and you were never told you could achieve this or this. I was always good at school, but the school wasn't right for me. It was awful and not a noce place to be. Racism was at a high at the school, an inner London school, that wasn't a nice experience. larsxx

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 15:58

Here in France she won't get to do the equivalent of GCSEs if she blows it now. And as for getting a job, without the bare minimum (said Brevet or GCSEs) she won't get anything. Nada?

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edam · 09/04/2006 15:58

My sister did. Walked out when she was 15. Nothing my mother did convinced her to go back - she did enrol at a friend's school at one point so truancy officer didn't chase but never actually went there. She did then start a Btec course but glandular fever put paid to that.

It has taken her years of slog and hard work to catch up. She's had a very responsible job, but at a low level, and been frustrated at not having the qualifications/seniority to challenge bad practice effectively. Is now doing a nursing degree which she enjoys (although she was shocked at how little was demanded of them in the first year - I think that's about being a mature student, though).

Message would be you can be successful despite dropping out but it is much, much more difficult and will take much longer than going down the conventional route.

spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 15:59

is she doing the IB?

I don't know how things work in France, but surely there is the equivalent of Further Ed colleges for those that flunked the IB at school?

spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 16:00

edam, that has been my experience too - i.e. it's possible to make up for lost time later on, but it makes life difficult for oneself

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 16:01

This is her fourth school and the fourth set of failures. She was in difficulty in the Uk and then came here and carried on with problems. First senior school was shite so we changed and this school is very good. And she still does sfa - literally sfa. Her marks out of twenty for the year for maths and french are 2.5 and 2.7. She is a fluent English speaker but only has 14 out of 20 in English ( a French, non fluent child in her class has 18!)

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edam · 09/04/2006 16:02

Agreed. Same thing with very good family friend who failed the 11+. Has ended up with very good career but took her years and years to get to the position her skills actually deserved, IYKWIM.

spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 16:02

Do you think there's some underlying problem behind her probs at school ggg?

I know that is the case with my dd (but can't go into it here) Sad

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 16:03

My dh and I don't row about money, or sex or religion or any of that crap - it is normally to do with dd and what is going on with her and how to deal with her.......Her school life is overflowing into our homelife.

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lars · 09/04/2006 16:03

I do know in the schools here, children that are havng a problem with schooling, they are following day release at college in a subject of their choice, i.e beauty, bricklaying, catering, etc. This has proved to be very successful. larsxx

spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 16:04

Is she bored by school? What would she rather be doing? Does she play truant?

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 16:06

I would say no, SD, because she has always been like this, even when we led the so called perfect Surrey happy family existence. We could find all sorts of reasons - divorce, remarriage, change of country, but in the end it all boils down to the same thing that it always has - her and her complete block as regards school.

I have always felt sorry for her and been her advocate. The girl who helps her with her school work has just told me that my dd says she can wrap me round her little finger and that it helps that my dh and I argue about it, cos I cave in quickerShock

I am more Angry than Sad - utterly pissed off, actually.

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Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 16:07

She has been offered something like this Lars, for next year, but has not worked at all this year and it seems as though in a way it is being condoned. It will also block off a lot of career paths for her later, having been siphoned out of the main system so early.

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spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 16:09

If she is really determined not to make an effort at school ggg, there is little you can do about it (it sounds like you've tried everything at your disposal already). It may be that she needs to fail completely in order to realise what effect this will have on her life and her future. This is what happened to me - I realised very quickly that I had shot myself in the foot, and went back to college to do my exams.

lars · 09/04/2006 16:11

This sounds an awful situation for all of you.

Is she depressed? This might be why she is like this or is she simply crossing boundaries all the time and disregard for anyone else?

What have the professionals said?

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 16:12

Here, if you don't "pass" the year (have an average of more than 10/20) you stay down. This easy option/day release thing has been offered as an alternative. I think she should stay down and take the consequences of her actions where it hurts, for once. Cruel to be kind - dh and I have always pushed and gone to great lengths to make sure she passed before.

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Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 16:13

the first shrink said she was not depressed and the second said the same and also said that she was taking the piss and would continue to do so until she had no one fighting for her and learned to stand up for herself and take some responsibility.

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spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 16:13

I think you're right ggg - perhaps she needs to be allowed to feel the consequences of her actions in order to realise what she needs to do.

spacedonkey · 09/04/2006 16:14

You have my utmost sympathy anyway ggg - it's SO FRUSTRATING!

lars · 09/04/2006 16:19

Has she said what she wants to do?

Also her friends what are they like? good or bad IYKWIM. I feel for you, as this must be tough.

It sounds to me she needs to come out of the situation to realise what she's doing , she just can't see it at the moment.

Some of the programmes for kids in the state have turned kids round, I know this may seems harsh but there has to an alternative. They go to a camp and completely change.Surely there has to be an alternative.larsxx

edam · 09/04/2006 16:23

Agree with SD. Sometimes you have to make your own mistakes in order to learn from them. Other people can try to tell you until they are blue in the face, but it won't hit home until the consequences of that mistake really hit you.

lars · 09/04/2006 16:26

I really do hope this works out for you ggg - good luck Larsxx.

Original poster
ggglimpopo · 09/04/2006 17:04

She likes shopping and going out with her friends and making cakes and television and the cinema and reading and running rings round us.

Another leggy blonde,btw, she will probably marry some rich man and never have to lift a finger in her life.....

So, I have one dd who is a siren, puts Madonna in the shade, a second dd who is dropping out of school and two others and a ds to follow. Should I just resign now?

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