So Eton, everything I expected and more

[JoanBias]

My DS is at a private school, so I have experience of private schooling, but my word Eton was like another world.

Not just the school, but the people there.

There was one prep school being shown around, all in tweed jackets, and to a boy the spitting image of Draco Malfoy (well there was one Chinese boy, but otherwise....).

One of the mothers doing the tour was not quite right in some respect, I'm not sure how but something wasn't wired up correctly or something. She was immacuately dressed, 6-inch heels (pretty daft considering the confirmation letter warns about having a long walk), but she was just bizarre. The admissions tutor said 'we have a waiting list of 80 boys and typically 35% of these will make it through', and she asked afterwards 'so 80% of the boys from the waiting list make it through?', and it was then explained again, but you could kind of hear the cogs going round and she clearly didn't get it. She had asked several other similar questions; e.g., it was explained that some Houses are catering and others go to a central cafeteria, so she then asked 'so they all eat in the cafeteria'? She pointed at the Fives Court and asked me 'what do they play here?' I said 'Fives' 'Is it squash?', she said. 'No, Eton Fives.' 'So is it squash?' It seemed as if this woman had had the benefit of the 'Finishing School for the Terminally Dim', because she was otherwise every inch the presentable upper middle-class wife.

Another family had a son who looked the prototypical pre-Etonian, and sure enough Daddy spent the tour braying on about his House when he had been there.

The facilities were extremely impressive, although they didn't bother to show us any of the academic parts, and basically the impression was 'if your son is incredibly pushy and self-motivated, send him here and we will teach him to be entitled'. They said 'every year we reject about a third of the highest performers on the test', essentially because they aren't pushy enough. (The House Mistresses seemed quite nice though.)

Fantastic training for future managing directors and whatever, but not for us.....

Well worth it to sign up for a tour, very illuminating. They take about 100 a day from what I can see, so obligation at all....

Perhaps someone could help the op with a short list of private schools which might suit her DS?

Why do you assume that the almost universal praise of the school by Eton parents means that they are not analysing the school objectively? I would imagine that not many of them believe that the school is perfect (particularly those fathers who are OEs themselves) but we do know whether or not our DS's are thriving and happy there and have the opportunity to experience an extraordinary range of activities, in spite of the fact that they are working hard, a lot is expected of them and they are not living at home for weeks at a time.

Teenagers are programmed to rebel against the adult authority around them, whether it be parents or a boarding school. You wouldn't necessarily judge a parent because their teenage DS is shouting 'I hate you, you want to ruin my life', and I don't think you can necessarily make an equivalent judgement about boarding schools.

As to why you would send your child away, I think that has been covered in other pro/anti threads.

amillion boarding schools have many faces these days.

There are schools which offer flexi boarding, such as my DD's school. You can board as little as two nights per week, depending on what might suit. DD currently stays over one night whilst she is rehearsing for a school play. Rehearsals don't finish until 8.30pm and she wouldn't get home much before 9.15pm, so it suits her to board that night.
Similarly she will stay over this coming Friday as she has to catch a bus at school at 6.30am on Saturday for a sporting fixture (in Wales!!!).

Some schools weekly board and the DC generally come home after sport on Saturday and return for chapel on Sunday evening (though some allow DC to slip in on Monday mornings).

Other schools, very few these days, and Eton is one, are termly boarding or full boarding. Basically you are not allowed home in term time aside from exeat weekends which are around one or two per half term.

"I hate you, you want to ruin my life".

I would take that seriously whereever the child is being schooled.
And look into it.

Indrid. I was speaking of adults reflecting upon their teens not teens themselves.

I am fascinated by the old Etonians on Made In Chelsea :) They seem a bit simple to me, although obvs very rich.....not terribly bright though. Do they take a special test to get in like Prince Harry?

flexi boarding strikes me as being on a par with sleepovers.
Weekly boarding, I would have thought is ok for some.
Termly or full boarding I would have thought would be potentially much more problematic in some cases.
I think of it in terms as being with friends and others by day and night for weeks. I dont think many adults would cope with that particularly well.

Iirc apart from exeats the boys could come out for the day on Sunday.

All those criticising boarding I wonder how much time you actually spend with your teenagers? When I was a teenager the last people I wanted to spend any time with were my parents other than meal times and lifts to my friends.

I guess that makes me unusual in wanting to have a level of independence whilst being a teenager. I am very old so was a teenager in the late 70s early 80s. Maybe it is different these days and teenagers willingly spend all their free time with their parents?

Ok seeker Xenia I give in and bow you your obviously superior knowledge about boarding. I know i claim to love my DS but the reality is that I couldn't care less about him and choose to work 50+ hours a week and my DH 60-70 hours a week to send my DS to school which he hates although too afraid to tell us for fear of upsetting us. And when he was offered a day place at either one of the country's top performing grammar schools, a local top performing comp or flexi boarding at St Paul's having masochistic tendencies developed at his boarding prep and also having beem brain washed by his prep and parents to think that boarding is the only way he choose full boarding. And although my DS appears on the surface of things to be not only happy loving family orientated child (as frequently commented on by others) but happy at school and academically doing really well, because we all know that unhappy children will always do really well in reality hes miserable and would get much better exam results at a day school although as the A** has not yet been invented by our marvelous goverment I fail to see how. Oh I nearly forget about the many many activities that he participates in just to take his mind of his misery (but of course not as many as his contempories in day schools are offered particularly the state sector) or the fact that he's never been healthier since hes been at Winchester (not my opinion by the way but the paediatrician who looks after him but what would he know) and it's widely acknowledged among health care professionals that being unhappy is so good for you health. I also have many friends with children who board who are also very good actors and they too have managed to fool me and their parents and again outsiders into thinking that they are happy family orientated children. And finally the last Oscar for best supporting role goes to the parents and children of the boarding schools I'm involved with in a professional capacity where despite God knows how many years of experience when regularly assessing amongst other things the mental health of children in boarding schools I am not able to recognise detached unhappy dyfunctional sociopaths!
Let not forget Xenias solution that my DH leaves the virtually unique niche job working for a not based in a city based company and we all move to an equally selective day school of which according to the much quoted FT league tables there are only 8 and I think bar 1 all in London (I certainly have no intention of moving to Essex) and my DH either instantly gets another job because we all know that jobs grow on trees in 2012 or he could retrain and I'm sure would be able to do it in time to afford the day fees or the best option of all commute for three hours every night or 4 1/2 if it was Essex every day because then he would be home every night in time to give my DS that essential daily hug because after all that is the only way our children are able to be absolutely sure we love them.
Sorry Indrid rose to it again!

I haven't said that Eton is other than fantastic. Just not what I am looking for.

My son is v. bright, but he is not good at answering 'So why do you think you want to go Eton'-type questions.

There are many schools that would take him. But many of these are sort of 'nice but dim' schools.

I thought Xenia's quote was amusing:

"Yes, there are thick mothers around. Plenty of men marry women because of the size of their breasts and because she is blonde and 20 years younger than he is and then he's surprised the child is as thick as a plank and ends up at Millfield. You reap what you sow and I suppose where you choose to sow it. May be the sex and ego boosting makes it worthwhile."

My Grandma insists that intelligence runs in the family. She says all her brothers were very clever but her mother didn't have enough money to send them to school. One of her sons went to Oxford. Did kill himself later in life though. My sister and I both went to Cambridge.

I've never heard of Millfield, but if it's nice but dim, we're not interested.

Several of DS' teachers have told us that he's the brightest boy in the class, BUT because he has an ASD he can struggle to gather his thoughts and express himself.

I think his history teacher said 'any school should be happy to have him, he'll do Physics, Maths and Further Maths at A Level and get As', yes true, but the ones that go on about their 93% A/A at GCSE might be a bit if they think he is unlikely to get A*'s in English or whatever.

Tricky business really.

Joan I keep asking but I suppose my question gets lost, hasn't your prep HM made recommendations of senior schools? I'd be really surprised if he/she hasn't.

Oh, don't be silly, happy gardener! People are allowed to share their experiences too, you know! I'm sure your ds is as happy as a sandboy, whatever one of them is. But it doesn't mean everybody is. My godson, who is at W* because that's where the boys in his family have gone since God was a boy is as miserable as sin. That doesn't mean all the other boys are- ay more than your ds being happy means that everyone else is.

bisjo, we have had recommendations. One of which was wildly inappropriate. One of which I am going to visit next week, and another in 2-3 weeks.

That's not to say his recommendations are the best.

For instance they are not going to recommend schools 50 miles away, since DD is also at the school, and if we moved, we would obviously withdraw her.

Millfield is not 'dim' Gods sake!

If you are looking at boarding school then 50 miles wouldn't be a problem. I think happygardening's advice on distance is good - look at schools that are up to 1.5 hours away at the most so you can play a part in school life by attending school matches, concerts etc.

What other schools are you considering?

But exoticfruits - it's the fact it can be so funny that makes mumsnet so addictive. If mumsnet were merely full of worthy parents trying to help each other, it would be so incredibly dull. Things that are dull are not worth sending up - only things of interest are worth sending up...

I wasn't saying that they should stop! It is indeed the sort of thread that makes me come back after I have vowed to stop wasting time and give it up.

JoanB, yes I think it was one of my better set of lines... laughing as I type. I wouldn't worry if your son won't get A in everything. My children have all so far been pretty laid back and it doesn't seem to be hindering careers of the older ones who have all graduated now. Daughter 1 (Habs girls) was in the 5th of 5 sets of maths GCSEs and still got an A. I cannot remember if the A had come out by then or not.

I suppose the way round my example is buy a US ivy league graduate's eggs, implant them in an Indian surrogate and then have your large chested blonde bimbo at your side but without passing on her genes and ensuring there are others around to talk to the child who are bright.

hg, I have said loads of times on the thread that a lot of chidlren are happy boarding and do fine. If you really feel sure your son is happy why does it bother you if I simply state the fact that it doesn't work for a good few children and some pretend they like it when they don't. It doesn't bother me if people say I shouldn't work or my children should be in state schools. I just know they are wrong for my children.

Of course Millfield is for the slightly dim

rankings.ft.com/secondary-schools/millfield-school-street/secondary-schools-2012#secondary-schools-2012 Only 646 but some added value if you like that kind of atmosphere and apparently big swimming pools.

Eton 17th (and often top 5) and yes Prince Harry did get in but it is certainly not packed with thick boys by any means.
rankings.ft.com/secondary-schools/eton-college/secondary-schools-2012#secondary-schools-2012

I would have thought that the parents with DSs at Eton can just sit back and know they are the best -they don't need to agonise over positions in the league table. I was very impressed on the general tour that I did. It isn't a school that would suit my DSs, so even if I had the money I wouldn't have considered it.

It is a funny thread isn't it I love being a thicko...with just the two degrees.

My advice to others on here is to not allow yourself be wound up by throw away and genrally ignorant comments made by some on this thread. they just ain't worth it!!

however, it is fantastic a fantastic read

Are the tours for Eton just for making money?
Or is that a stupid question?

It is just like visiting a NT property or similar. There is so much history there. It was fascinating- it was only when they were on holiday.

Millfield is dim. I grew up in Street.