Why do parents who are moving their children to fee paying schools

[silverfork]

... so often complain that their child was 'bored' at school because they are 'clever'?

Quite a few children from dd's school have transferred to prep schools at the end of infants/beginning of juniors but these never seem to be particularly academically successful children. Nevertheless, I frequently heard them talk about boredom in relation to their own child's intelligence.

Thread this morning reminded me (sorry).

I think if people feel insecure they can't help volunteering information!

One woman in DS1's class was very competitive but her child was not and performed less well than the children who flew through their tasks with little effort. She would often complain that he couldn't shine in such a large class, or that the teaching was poor quality, or the school policies were wrong or that the other children weren't good enough (whatever that means) - basically it was everyone else's fault that he wasn't at the top of the class in everything he touched.

She moved him to a smaller school with smaller class sizes so from - 30 to 15. He still didn't shine, spent a year there and then ended up at boarding school. Poor kid. When I saw him on his first visit home he was grey and looked like he'd lost weight .

I think a lot of parents like this have trouble saying 'we want the best for our child, we have really high hopes even if the child is considered average academically and will do pretty much anything to secure the best chances'. They are riddled with doubt as to whether they are making the right decisions and bereft when the child isn't top of the class. They are also swayed by what other parents are doing or not doing so there's a competitive dynamic at play. I really disliked this woman in the end not because of the above but because she couldn't be honest.

Maybe brass she wasn't being honest with herself or didn't really know what she was after. Maybe she had different expectations of education. Its easy to stand on the outside of a situation and criticise, to think we know best for someone else's child.

so go away and think about it. Do some research. Talk to your child.

why project/deflect onto other parents negatively?

why use other people as sounding boards when you're not saying anything honest or helpful?

My eldest DD is in the top 0.4% IQ. We moved her from one state primary to another but now she is thriving and loves her state school. I turned down a 100% scholarship to 2 private schools after they approached us to offer her a place because it just didn't feel right. She goes to a local school and has local friends and loves it. She is taught 2 years above her are but it works for her and she is stretched and we are fortunate enough to live in an area with outstanding grammar secondary schools so her education is sorted

'so go away and think about it. Do some research. Talk to your child.
why project/deflect onto other parents negatively?
why use other people as sounding boards when you're not saying anything honest or helpful?"

"Its easy to stand on the outside of a situation and criticise, to think we know best for someone else's child."

so you repeated everything.

Frankly I'm not interested in what's best for their child I'm only interested in mine

Thing is, if someone is moving their child away from a school that you are keeping your child in, it's more polite that they claim the move is about exclusively their child, rather than the school - so by saying "my DC was bored and I wanted to send them to a place that's more suited to them " then that is about their child, not the school. Hinting at their child is G&T, (even if you think they are delusional), they have made it a choice they made for that individual child, not judged the whole school.

That's very different to saying "we think X school is a bit crap/doesn't have very good facilities and we think Y school is better." Which even if it's the truth, would make someone who is still sending their DCs to X school feel bad/defensive.

(IME it's harder for parents to talk about chosing private with other parents who they know could afford it but have chosen not too send them private, that does look like they are critising your choice rather than with a parent who can't afford it, so it's not a choice they could make)

"Frankly I'm not interested in what's best for their child I'm only interested in mine."
Thats great brass so dont criticise them!

I'll do what I like thanks happy

Sorry, DontmindifIdo, but thinking that's a better way of expressing it is utterly failing to understand that people are obsessed with their children, not their children's school. So hinting your child was G&T and therefore not suitable for the otherwise lovely school they have left will immediately be interpreted as meaning that you think the other person's child is not G&T, so no need for little old them to worry about it not being such a lovely school for G&T children... which will obviously cause huge offence. Frankly, I doubt most people will find that less offensive than saying you think the facilities at the old school are a bit crap and you can afford better!

but there is NOTHING wrong with saying 'whatever it is it just isn't working out for us and so we're going elsewhere'

just cut the crap and bullshit.

But that's not necessarily true, though, brass, and therefore still potentially crap and bullshit. It may be that it is working out OK, but you think it could work out even better elsewhere. Or that you think the alternative school is a bit crap, too, but at least it guarantees you a place at the senior school without having to take the entrance exam. Or that you don't know what else to do with your money. Or that you want to make a new set of friends and don't like the other parents at the old school...

We as parents naturally defensive of our choice we are all trying so hard to do the right thing and not just in our school choices. WE want to talk about it for a variety of reasons. Maybe we hope were doing the right thing and thus by talking about it were are hoping for either approval of our actions and thus reinforcement that our decision was correct or by talking we're hoping we will become more convinced ourselves. Other parents are often very quick to criticise our choices I send my DS to boarding school many openly criticise my choice pointing out the many failing of boarding schools none of course know anything about current day boarding sometimes I just ignore it at other times I rise to it. Some parents spend 20 mins talking to my son and then on finding out he boards ask him if he's happy? and are then surprised when he say Yes. As he said to me the other day "its rude to ask and I dont ask a virtual stranger if there unhappy in their marriages and anyway do I look unhappy?"
Others may be absolutely convinced that there doing the right thing and feel a need to evangelise. And some may be feel genuinely bitter and twisted towards a particular school and enjoy bad mouthing it and maybe there if some truth in what they say.

perhaps when they say "bored" they are referring to extra curricular activities and their availability, you can be academically stimulated and still be bored.

You perhaps are not also considering that in the independent sector there is more recognition for effort, opportunities to show your talent/shine etc which may have been missing in the previous school despite the state school's good academics.

I like all those reasons rabbit

"but there is NOTHING wrong with saying whatever it is it just isn't working out for us and so we're going elsewhere"
When you do this most parents then ask why your going some have the self control to say I don't want to talk about it others on being asked/pushed will happy or even delighted to explain their reasons. These reasons may not ring true to you but for that person they may be valid.

Potentially it is far more tactful to say one is moving ones child because they are clever and bored rather than they are leaving the school because it is shit!!!!

Fortunately I was able to say it was for Dyslexia support for DD,in reality the school was failing all the children.DD still friends with old classmates as am I with parents-win win situation

I was thinking you would say this in response to being asked why you're leaving rather than you volunteering the info and broadcasting the fact that you're leaving because of xyz.

The other problem at primary school level and in particular small ones is that gossip travels fast. You tell a friend that your leaving and before you know it half the school (of 80 ) know or children themselves tell their friends who tell their parents etc etc. I once met a friend as I came out the gate of a rival village school. What are you doing here? Err umm!

I had a friend that said "we're sending our child private, because frankly, it would be over my dead body that he went to xxxx school" (the one I had just chosen for mine).

Because people ask all the time why you moved your child to a fee-paying school, and saying they were bored is a nice, polite way of avoiding discussion or criticising a school that your friend's children may still be at.

"saying they were bored is a nice, polite way of avoiding discussion or criticising a school that your friend's children may still be at."
Doesn't this imply some sort criticism? Its a tragedy that a child is bored we have our whole life to be bored at work and surely indicates poor quality teaching. Children especially primary aged children love stories facts information fun art drama etc they shouldn't be bored!

Happygardening, but the parent that is being told "my child is bored at X school" can think "oh, but mine isn't bored, so that's fine."

It's making the decision to move about the child, not about the school, however the same parent talking to other parents at the feepaying school might be far more honest about what was wrong with the orignial school.

In the same way, I told someone I didn't want to send my DS to one particular nursery (that their DD goes to) because I didn't like the lack of outdoor space and DS likes to run around, and it wasn't the best for my commute to drop him there then get to the station. The reality is I didn't like the way the staff talked to the children when I visited, I didn't think it was clean enough (when visiting at 9am), and I thought the menus looked crap and unhealthy. But to say that might suggest she had made the wrong choice for her DD, and I'm aware the nursery I have sent DS to is an extra £20 a day, which I'm not sure their family could afford.

I went for a job in a private school once, i didn't get it, but i would have turned it down. The provisions for science (my speciality) were dire to say the very least. I went in expecting state of the art laboratories, forward thinking teachers and a good academic record. I was when the various people who interviewed me, both teaching and non teaching staff told me that "we aren't a particularly academic school" That apparently it was all about extra-curricular(sp) activities and the kudos of having gone to that particular school. Yes, it had beautiful grounds and a shooting gallery but i got the impression that was what it was all about. I went to the interviewing wondering if i would feel uncomfortable about the "privaliged" education these children were receiving compared to my DD who goes to a state school. (luckily my DD goes to a very good state school that has excellent results etc - i i may have felt differently if she went to the other schools in the area). I came away feeling much better about it! I was stunned that people would spend £££s to send their children to a school that was resigned to describe themselves a "not particularly academic".

I think people send their children to private schools for lots of reasons. I have to be honest and say that for some its the kudos, for most it is because they want the best for their children. Maybe the school i visited was a poor example, but there would be no contest between my DDs school and this school for me.

Whatever reason someone chooses to send their children to whatever school, they certainly don't have to justify it to me. We all do what we feel is best for our children. I could never afford school fees, i used to feel bad about this, but i can honestly say, hand on heart that i am more than happy with DDs school and wouldnt send her private even if i had that option. I might feel very differently about this when she goes to secondary school!