Best options for DD? To board or have live-in help?

[Newlysingleandstuck]

My dd is in Year 4, and is finally at a really good school and is really really really happy. We moved around a lot prior to Year 3, so she has had a different school every year up until then, and really hated it, understandably.

Ex-h walked out on us in April, and I am due to start my final bit of legal training this week. This involves a daily commute to the city, but hopefully I'll just about manage to tick along. However, in a few years' time I was due to go in to the forces as a Legal Officer. It is something I have always wanted to do, and have been training solely with this in mind for the past 5 years. Dd will then be year 7. I know I should give up on the idea, but I have wanted this for nearly 20 years now, and have until dd is in Year 8 before I become too old to apply. Ex-h was fully behind dd staying where she is and doing afterschool clubs, as his job allowed him to be home by 6pm, but now I am totally at a loss as to what to do. He is not her father, and so has lost interest and dropped out of the picture already (at least he showed his true colours early on!).

Even if I don't join the forces, I will be working incredibly long hours, and dd will end up stuck at home alone or with a nanny as a teen, which I'm sure she doesn't want! However, we are very close, and I'm worried she will despise me. I boarded from 11 as I was sent away for being "naughty", and wasn't allowed to come home despite being bullied and miserable. I am so scared that the same will happen to her, but being an only child with a parent working long hours and weekends will be no fun for her either. I am at a total loss. Does anyone know of any good way out of this?

St Edwards in Oxford is generally considered by parents and prep heads to be leading the field when it comes to high standards of pastoral care. But I suspect it might breach the 1 1/2 hour maximum drive rule!! It is also very sporty definitely games four times a week but lots of arts drama ballet music as well and a broad academic intake.

Hi, Like HG I have had DCs at boarding school since they were very young. Boarding schools these days do fall into 2 distinct camps - full boarding (getting harder to find) and weekly boarding. I am not sure how often the ALS post people abroad as we are a different cap badge. It would be easy to say go for a weekly boarding school but then of course you couldn't change when you were posted abroad.
You mention the Leys. I believe they mainly have weekly boarders from 11 - 13 and then more full boarders from 13+. I have 4 friends with DCs there and they are very happy. They are used to having DCs with parents away abroad. So this set up might be useful as for her first two years she might be able to be a weekly boarder and then change at 13. However, where will you be based for your initial training as I suspect it will not be in Cambridge.
As for the comments on sport. I have one sporty DC and one who is not and they have both had a great time at boarding school. They haven't been very involved in drama etc as it wasn't their thing, but it was on offer. Most schools have so many options for extra curricular activities that the problem is not being picked on but not having enough time in the day to do all the activities that you want to!

I was at boarding school and hated it. For my dc it would never be an option.

However in the circumstances you describe it could be a feasible option. I don't think you at ALL selfish for wanting to join the forces it's a great life for you AND dd. Also when I went to boarding school we were away for three months at a time. I am assuming your dd would be weekly boarding and I am pretty sure you can do mid week visits now too at many schools. As long as your dd is totally on board I think this sounds like a good option.

HG St Edwards doesn't start until year 9 and OP was talking about year 7. I would second though that it is a great school for pastoral care.

OP you DD is only year 3 as she matures she will learn to stand up for herself more. This would not put me off sending my DC's to boarding school in fact quite the reverse.

Teddys also a good choice.

Or Queenswood? Bit sporty (tennis) but I'm sure not all girls do this. It is a small friendly school.

"Teddys also a good choice."
As far as Im aware Teddies is St Edwards in Oxford.
going your're right I didn't read the OP's postings carefully enough! How about a nice weekly/flexi boarding prep from yr 5 to till CE. I dont know of any of those in the Cambridge area but I'm sure there must be some I only know the south east.

I wouldn't personally want a child of mine to be a boarder at a predominantly day school, any more than I would want them to be a day pupil at a predominantly boarding school.

There are few predominantly boarding preps (so up to and including Y8) around which have really active social lives over weekends as well as during the week (although there are optional weekends when lots of DC go home and exeats when they all do - or to friends if home is too far away) - my DC are at one (as day pupils, inspite of my previous comment - there are extenuating circumstances ) and all the feedback I have from DS (now Y6) and his friends (most of whom I have known since they were 4, and a lot of whom started boarding at 8/9) and from other parents is that it is a happy, relaxed place and probably a million miles from what you remember/imagine. It's about 2.5 hours from Cambridge though (we drive the other way quite often) - PM me if you are interested.

(oh, and incidentally - swimming, kayaking, climbing, cycling, etc very much encouraged at DC's school for those not into the more "standard" team sports)

You are all so helpful, thank you so much! Drama and music are definitely dd's thing-if she can be on the stage she will, either behind her drum kit or in front of it!

If at all possible I would love to delay until she was Year 9, but again I'm worried about switching schools too often. Her current school finishes at 11, but they have an Upper which she would go on to, but I would worry then that I was wrenching her away from her friends at 13, instead of doing it when there was a natural breaking point. St Edwards does sound like the kind of thing she would need and thoroughly enjoy. I love the fact they have a really up-to date list of past adventures with pictures on the website too. I'm also forgetting children can now have laptops, FaceTime, mobiles etc to keep in touch. No longer is there the scheduled 15 minute, once a week call from the parents on the phone corridor!

akaemmafrost-thank you so much for your comments. I too was originally dead against boarding, but I have soul searched for so long and I really feel that I need to pursue the Legal Officer route if I can, so I am so glad that dd may have a good time of it too.

I would make sure I could see her at every opportunity, so the more chance I get the better. It could also be really nice if there are any schools that let you take your child and a few of their friends out for tea after school (especially if some of the girls have parents that can't get there are often), as they can have a bit of a change and a girly giggle. I know they do this at Kings and St John's here (7-13 boarding schools), so hopefully they will do it as they are older.

I just wanted to say that not all schools with a mix of day and boarding are as stratified as your experience of school was. I changed schools when I was 15 and was a day boarder at the new school (9am to 9.30pm) and wasn't left out of anything. Boarders and day pupils spoke to each other, there were probably closer individual friendships between boarders only and day pupils only because of spending time together outside of school hours, but it definitely wasn't as though there were two gangs with no crossover.

I believe in boarding and especially full boarding but I have some concerns about full boarding at prep schools especially if you are a significant distance; breaking the 1 1/2 hour rule and thus cannot attend matches concerts etc. We did it but if you can be close enough to weekly flexi board.

I hadn't thought about matches and concerts! I had forgotten about them! (I must admit though, hurrah to someone else telling the children that they need to get their kit on and be on the pitch for 9.30, dd has hockey at 9am on a Sunday at the mo and my heart sinks each time my alarm goes off!). I'm also a bit wilty when it comes to calls from school, I drop everything and literally run to the car and up to school at the other end, so would want to be near enough to hug broken arms better. I am so glad boarding has come so far from our single glazed, iron-bedsteaded, sleeps 16 and three to a wardrobe dorms.

Im not big on the "drop everything and literally run to the car and up to school at the other end, so would want to be near enough to hug broken arms better" thing. I expect the school to deal with minor stuff and not call me and expect me to sort it out or bring them home because they've got a cold. All senior schools have health centres/sanatoriums staffed by qualified staff 24 hours a day. Its worth looking into this if you are looking at boarding schools and find ones that suits you especially if your working, some do expect parents to come rushing over to pick up their DC's at the slightest sign of a cold or to take them to local dentists appointments etc others don't (my DS's certainly doesn't).

It's a massive decision. Think the whole thing through: how you will feel being separated from her; how she might feel (ask her!) What will you both do for cover in the holidays? Can you look at state boarding schools which will have shorter holidays? Can you time your own breaks or take some unpaid leave so she gets some undivided attention during the holidays.

Don't think she will automatically be unhappy. I think from 13 on, lots of teens prefer to board anyway, as their focus, rightly, is on peers not parents at this stage in their development.

Have you got a get out plan/plan B for if she does hate it? I'd make sure you have researched several other legal opportunities in your local area, so if you do both decide it's not right for her, you can use your hard won qualifications to make lots of money!

OP, I know nothing about boarding, but can see why you are considering it.

I just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job for you and your dd, after what must have been a difficult few months. I am sure you will make the best decision for you both, and you have some time.

As the parent of teens, I think it is important that someone is keeping an eye on them daily - even if they seem very independent.

Very good luck with your new career.

If you are joining the forces as a single parent, you really must consider boarding. I know several legal officers, all married, and all have done overseas tours, in addition to just trips abroad for court martials etc. I also know several single mothers in the forces who are not legal, and struggle enormously with the day to day challenges of the exigencies of the military and parenting. I think the only single mum/legal I know has been in Germany for years.

Would dd's father allow you to move her out of the country?

Would dd's father be able to fulfil the parental role whilst you are on op tours?

What about grandparents?

Additionally, I'm not sure how many legals are being recruited, or likely to be needed at this point in the redundancy programme, so I would suggest you not put all of your eggs in one basket, and consider other options as well.

Good luck exploring the boarding options.

Definitely boarding over a nanny/au pair.

I boarded from 12-18 and really enjoyed that part of school. In someways I think it can be a great thing for only children - they get used to sharing and also have pseudo-siblings.

The only reason I have for not sending DD to board would be for my own selfish desire to hang on to her - although if the teenage years are anything like the terrible two's then she may well be going for everyone's sanity!

21st century boarding looks very cushy compared with what it was like when I was doing it and with things like mobile phones and email it's far far easier to keep in touch.

I would be wary about being a boarder at a mainly day school, or a weekly boarder at a mainly full-boarding school. The weekly boarders at mine felt they missed out on all the weekend activities and were also more likely to be homesick.

Anyway, there is totally no reason for you not to follow your dreams - it's good for your daughter to see this as well.

My daughter is in her second year of boarding school in the lakes. She would not like to go to a local school. She does not have time to get bored or even miss home. There is such a variety of things to do activity or curriculum based. If you have an outgoing child and compare the range of boarding schools available you will have a happy content child who will all that boarding school life brings

My DD has just started boarding in year 7. So far she loves it. It's nearby and she can come home Sundays and long weekends plus half term of course. For her it's perfect. Home is home and school work all gets done at school.
My son is at a fab day school which he loves. So horses for courses.
His close friend has au pairs but that is getting tricky now he's older. he doesn't want them there and most au pairs are looking to care for little children rather than teenage boys.
Just do your research on the right school for your DC and your decision will follow. Good luck.

OP. If you give up your dream because you fear that your daughter may not like boarding school it could well sour your relationship with her later. She won't always be small.
And, as another poster said, it is good for a girl to see her mother achieving her career goals

"Just do your research on the right school"
One of the keys to a happy boarding experience and in particular a happy full boarding experience and especially applicable if your not going to be in the UK, live a considerable distance away and or are working long hours is finding the right school and as importantly the right housemaster/mistress (HM). The HM is key he/she is acting in your absence and you need to have 100% confidence in them. Most schools allow you to choose a house and therefore your HM and you should avoid schools that wont. As a general principle HM's do 10 years some have significantly more power/authority than others check this out as well.

Have a look at Queenswood - it's flexible boarding so you can fit sleepovers in when you need/want. DD started there with a firm 'not boarding until I'm 13' attitude. At 11 she took the decision to board part time which she loves. She adores the place, too, which is a relief after the hell we went through with the prep school!