Advice for 9 year old starting independent school?

[IWantAnotherBaby]

Hi. DS is starting at prep school (year 5) next week. He seems quite confident about it most of the time (and is practicing tying his tie, tying shoelaces etc) but will really miss his friends from his state primary (where his little sister will be starting in reception next week).

I'm a lot more anxious than he is. Can any old hands offer me any words of advice about how to get him settled, making friends etc. We're going to be among the least wealthy families there, and I work full-time in contrast to many of the mums who seen to be more of the ladies-who-lunch type.

I don't know why I'm so anxious really; just last-minute doubts and nerves, I think. Help!

He'll be absolutely FINE!

The tie is a tricky one. My DD only ties it every so often and just loosens it to slip over her head for PE (which incidentally is every day so getting dressed and undressed fast while keeping clothes fairly neat is an important skill).

Urm. Find out about snacks as my DD only gets a mid morning snack on mon-fri and so I am supposed to send her with one on a saturday. I think I've forgotten more times than remembered But then I make up for it and send her in with a box and she is miss popular

Rugby stuff? Does he need a gum guard? Normal dentists do them if you don't want to go down the mail order route.

Firstly don't worry about your lack of wealth etc. As far as the boys are concerned it will be down to how well they get on with him, whether he's a good sport etc. Bear in mind most of the teachers work fulltime and usually will sympathise with someone who does.

Practice not just shoelaces, but also getting in and out of sports kit complete with shinpads, etc. There will be lots of games sessions and he needs to be able to change quickly, leaving his clothes safely back inside his kitbag or wherever. He should be able to change in 3 minutes, 4 would be considered slow. At one of my ds's prep schools they spent an entire games afternoon changing and unchanging until everyone was sub 3 minutes

You should have a class rep who will be able to give you a class list with addresses and contact numbers, as well as sorting out mums nights out etc. At least you know who is in the class etc. Make sure that you find out how clubs work (1st come 1st served, names out of hat etc) if you don't already know.

I know you work fulltime but it is worth making sure that if possible you get to at least 1 sports fixture a term.

Label everything, including sports socks if expensive. Bear in mind that everyone shops in the school second hand uniform sale, and certainly i've found myself almost fighting over a 2nd hand rugby jersey with someone who has an entire postcode to themselves.

Ime there is little time for playdates etc. By the time they've finished school, been in a club or practice, done prep, had tea, that's pretty much it. Which if you are working, with a child at another school, is probably a relief! If ds is going to a boys school, then obviously many parents will have children at more than one school and you may find it easy to fit into a carpool of some sort.

The only other key difference that I've noticed is that prep schools seem to have swimming as part of the curriculum earlier and longer than most state schools, so if he isn't already a strong swimmer it may be worth some extra booster sessions.

He'll be fine and will have a ball!

I have always worked full time and I think the more academic the private school and the better it is the more women who work as they ave very clever and don't want to be at home scrubbing toddlers' bottoms all day. It is a badge of success to work full time as a woman and a sign of failure to be a housewife surely not the converse?

I don't think children notice wealth much or they don't understand it or think someone is rich because of a particular car they drive or holiday. On the car basis we must be the poorest parents around even though we're not. In some way showing off what money you have with expensive things is rather common and nouveau riche and the classiest parents are buying uniform second hand rather than getting their hair ironed and applying fake tan.

Our five children have had children coming into their schools at various years and I think those children have usually settled down fine. The only issues I've seen is if the child is way behind with school work and for some reason just isn't bright enough to catch up. That is very rare.

I think it dependso nthe child what they want. Some of mine (perhaps because we are a big family) are not at all bothered if there are friends coming home or not; some are very sociable. I think some of the schools rightly or the parents anyway make a rule no sleepovers during term time as it makes children so tired - that is a useful one to try to stick to. I have always liked having a birthday party where we invite the whole class as it is so inclusive although harder to achieve when they are older particularly if there is one boy they don't want and everyone else to be there which I would never allow but it's certainly been suggested to me over the years.

My ds started a prep school in Yr5 last year and LadyMuck has basically summed up everything I wanted to say. I work full-time and we are one of the least well-off but my ds has fitted in brilliantly mainly because he is very sporty but also boys worry less about social status imo escpecially at this age.

Encourage your DS to do clubs/play an instrument/learn a new sport; things he wouldn't normally consider. We had a two term rule; do it for two terms if at the end of that you still hate it you can give it up. Usually any wobble after the initial enthusiasm has worn off has gone and only once did either of my DS's then completely give up the activity.
Frankly the thought of not meeting the other mothers very often because you work full time is bloody marvellous! IME most are pretty hideous, the nicest parents are the hereditary peers with their 30 bedroomed piles (no flash cars for them), the Sunday Times rich listers (nothing to prove) the foreign parents including the much criticised Russian Oligarchs (just relieved that anyone will talk to them) and the others struggling to pay the fees. Just smile and be pleasant.
If you DS is at a prep with no feeder school and even of he's not moving till yr 9 you need to start looking at future schools its worth listening to other mothers but make your own decisions what ever school you choose there will always be someone out there happy to regale you with a horror story.

Agree with everything said already.

Also be prepared for how tired he will be. My DD joined her prep aged just 9 and was used to coming home at 3pm from her local primary with only a reading book and a few spellings and maybe a maths sheet as homework for the whole week which took her about 15 minutes to master, but at her prep she was at school until 5pm, 40 minute journey home and then usually an hour a night of homework and it was all more difficult than at her old school.

She thrived on the challenge, but the late arrival home, plus sport every day, plus the homework took a bit of getting used to for all of us.

Our prep had a huge range of parents- but the majority had both parents working either full or part-time. Houses ranged from small semis to a castle- but the kids didn't seem to care. The little girl from the castle came to tea and said "I like your house- it's warm!".

Hope he has a lovely time.

Agree with tiredness when my DS started at his boarding prep aged 7 he went from a three roomed tiny village school to a school with 20+ classrooms and had to keep changing classrooms for lessons with specialised teachers. That alone was exhausting especially when combined with 2 hours if games 4 afternoons a week plus PE and extra curricular activities. I clearly remember him falling asleep at the school dinner table after a match tea and thinking "What have we done? Most children take about two terms to settle.
I nearly forgot being able get shin pads on if there the pull on type eitheown et or under football socks and then football/rugby boots in about 20 seconds is useful and being tidy especially with games kit will save loss and time spent frantically hunting around for the right coloured ruby shirt with teachers telling you to "hurry up Henry".

Encourage your DS to join in everything possible and be interested in other people and he should have no problems making friends.

I know everyone says there is a huge range of wealth when it comes to the parents, and it really is true, from normal working parents to Rich List top 50, ladies who do nothing but lunch/gym to brilliant Scientist types and the whole range in between. Be yourself first and foremost and you will find like-minded people to make friends with too. (There will be some snooty nobber parents, as there are everywhere, you will soon work out who to avoid).

Good luck.

Realy you have no need to worry. Ive encountered far more snobbery at our First choice primary school. In defence The 'Ladies that lunch type' arnt all bad either you know .... Many are very lonely and it's easier for them not to work than juggle kids, home life and husband and work.

There is a huge difference in the types of families that attend our children's school, at the end of the day the one thing we all have in common is that we are passionate about our children's education, and love our school.

My son losens his tie to put it over his neck, so we just had a quick lesson in tightening it. We also sponge it down most nights ..lol!!!

Our son took about 2 terms to realy settle, our daughter was ready to go from the tester day. We have been very lucky in that tiredness hasn't rated an ugly head, with them (maybe it did with me ) but the increase in homework was a huge shock!

Agree with all the changes , make sure he is familiar with the contents of his bag etc as he is then more likely to know if something is missing .

Also make sure he understands how important it is to write down his prep etc in his diary/prep book as he might think he will remember but he won't and tolerance for late prep is zero from day one . In my experience children coming in this is one of the things which causes angst .

We alloate any new pupils 'shadows' in their class to look out for them whilst they get their bearings/make friends, I'm sure your school will do the same!

Don't under any circumstance send in any food/drink unless you are sure you are allowed, we have a strict policy on this because of children who have nut allergies, all food has to come from the school kitchen. Check the policy on this!

Do they do prep at school or at home, if doing it in school is an option I would go for this, as then time at home is just for fun!

sorry to hijack. Mine just started today!! DS1 - 7 moved from local state school and DS2 starting KG. Was so nervous dropping them today. Really don't care about other people just about DS1 settling in and picking up things that the others will alreasdy know and DS2 doing well.

Very interesting and useful advise from people. After reading most of the advise yesterday I was suddenly reminded about ties!!! so we had an interesting time last night getting DS1's tie knotted (luckily DS2's tie has a velcro strip). so thanks to people who gave this advise.

Thanks so much everyone, for your replies. I'm sure I'm being unnecessarily nervous - its just such a big change. DH and I have vacillated about independent education for years (I went to a well-known girls boarding public school, he was at his local comp).

smallwhitewine He's gradually mastering the tie with plenty of practice. Yes, he does need a gum guard, thanks - I'd forgotten.

Ladymuck That's a really good idea to practice with the (extensive) sports kit. At his state primary they keep their school socks on for PE, and have no opportunity to shower afterwards etc. There is a class rep, and we're going to the new children's induction 2 days before term starts, so hopefully we'll meet the old stalwart parents then. Unfortunately they have decided that he can't join the after-school activities programme until his second term so we've missed out on club choices for this term.

Xenia I tend to agree with your views (on many other past threads as well) re working mothers, although I think many very able career women find they enjoy staying at home for a few years with children especially if supported by a wealthy DH. That was never an option for me anyway (I am the main earner, and in any case adore my career especially now I've 'arrived') but I do still feel some occasional envy of women who don't HAVE to work and still have the fabulous lifestyle... I think you're right about children's perceptions of wealth; I was certainly not aware of the vast discrepancies between my peers at school money-wise until well after I'd left school.

Poppylovescheese Thats very reassuring, thanks.

Happygardening Gosh, looking at next schools already?! I suppose you're right; he'll be there 4 years, all being well, and although many do go from his prep to one particular public school, I don't want him there particularly. More to think about...

Schoolchauffeur (love the name!) He will have much longer days; 8-6 most days (9-3:15 at his primary but he went to afterschool club till 6 which was play, not homework) but they do their prep at school so hopefully he'll feel freer than before. But its a much longer drive as well; I'm sure he'll be exhausted.

diabolo I think (and hope) he'll make friends easily. Unlike me he is very outgoing and friendly. I don't want to let him down by being the less gregarious and chatty mum that I am, but it sounds as though many parents are finding that their own interaction with other parents is much less than I'd imagined anyway.

Nuttymarbles 2 terms; okay, that gives me something to look forward to (like the 'magic' 12-week mark with a new baby when they suddenly become little humans instead of colicky crying blobs!). I didn't mean to be dismissive of the ladies-who-lunch although I appreciate calling them that sounds flippant. Its just that I won't be able to join in with the coffee-morning social bits and I suppose I was worried about being a bit of an outcast because of that (plus I am, as I said to Xenia, a tiny bit envious of them...)

outtolunch again Good idea, thanks; yes I think he is going to have a shock when he realises the much higher expectations of him; he has always coasted comfortably before; not I think (and hope) he'll be 'encouraged' to put in more effort.

trinity yes he has a 'guardian' for the first term; a boy in his form who also looked after him when he had his trial/ assessment day in the Spring. His Mum is lovely, and invited DS and me over for a very successful afternoon in the hols so the boys could get to know each other. Luckily they do prep at school apart from some projects.

Sorry for wittering on... and thanks, again everyone. I really just need to get over myself. He'll be fine. I'm sure he will.

OP some of the very selective boys schools interview in yr 6 for yr 9 entry e.g Eton St Paul's Tonbridge and Winchester, Harrow yrr 7 for yr 9 and Radley closes its waiting lists very early as people put their DSs name done at birth and I'm sure there are others. Talk to your head especially if you have a particular school in mind he hopefully can advise you as all are different.