What do you do when dd (aged 5) says she is lonely at school?

[LucyJu]

DD is in Yr1 at a small village school. She started in September, having spent reception year at another school (house move necessitated new school).

There are only 4 girls in her year group, (there are 8 girls altogether in her class since Yr1 and Yr 2 are together). Of the other 3 in her year group, she has never been allowed to join in with 2 of them, although she has made a transitory friendship with the third. However, this third girl is almost never at school and seems to be absent for at least a day or two each week. Not sure for the reasons behind this poor attendance.

She occasionally plays with the older girls but most of them seem already to have established friendships and it seems that most days she just ends up playing on her own.

What can I do to help? It breaks my heart when she says how much she's looking forward to dd2 starting school, "because then I'll have someone to play with" (dd2 is 4 months old!). I try to encourage her to be friendly, smile at people and say hello... I've tried inviting other girls over to play and although they seem to have a nice time together, it doesn't seem to help the next day in the playground.

Any ideas? DD is, admittedly, a little shy, but this didn't seem to stop her forming friendships in her first school. I'm seriously considering moving her to another school, but I'm worried that the same problems may re-occur.

Oh how heart breaking - it is a very small school and I guess if friendships are already formed it's going to be hard to penetrate those. However, I'd just keep going with the playdates for a while - could you invite more than one girl over at a time so there is more of a group get together?

Also, what about out of school activities - do you know if any of the other girls do anything that your dd could join in with? Socialising with them out of school might help too...

You can speak to the teachers about creating a circle of friends. When ds1 was having problems with taking turns and shouting out in class, they created a circle of friends for him that he would play with but obviously was to aid his learning. You could ask for something similar so that your little girl isn't left out.

What about trying to encourage links with children at other schools? I know they may live further away, but at times at school I was very lonely (bullied really) and what kept me going was having friends that were nothing to do with that environment. I was older though and I think in your case its may be more a matter of time.
Also, what is the schools policy over this? I know some schools make a big thing about children not being allowed to exclude other kids - and it would seem even more important where there are few alternative playmates! And presumably in such a small school they must have a pretty clear idea what is going on....

Thanks for your responses. DD does quite a few activities after school just so that she can play with other children. She also keeps in touch with some of her friends from her old school, but obviously that doesn't help during the school day.

I will make even more of an effort with play dates, too. Any other ideas?

Anyone?

Lucyju
I do feel for you and your dd. Small village school can be increibly clichy(sp?) and as she is so little is natural to wantto protect her socially. I was in a similar situation before we moved and it was hard. I tried to fill my dds time out of school with a number of activities fairly unsuccessfully, so I do understand .
One idea, if its a small school, is to socially jump a year. Can your dd play with a girl(s) from the year above? Like a "buddie",the teacher might help you broach this. all the best.

I definitely think you could ask the teacher to get involved. It's fine to leave kids to find their own way with friendships but it sounds as if your DD would benefit from some help, understandably.

The teacher could introduce table moving so that the friendship groups are split, giving everyone the chance to move their allegiances a bit and hopefully giving your DD a 'way in'. Or giving your DD and one other child a specific task to do as a team, there must be any number of ways she can pair people up in class or help the group to mingle?

I would just give it time, as well and keep on inviting the girls over to play, I'm sure in the long run it will make a difference.

It must be heartbreaking to hear her say she's lonely but I think don't panic and move her again, it's probably easier on her to try some more strategies where she is.

DD1 started reception in Sept.

Although she knew all of hwr class from pre school, when they went out to play, dhe didn't have the confidence to join in, especially as the older irls wanted to play with the little ones. DD1 would just stand by the teacher at break times and say that she didn't want to play. She then said that it was because she didn't knoe the older ones names.

So the teacher made sure that DD1 got to chose a friend to play with each break, and she finally came out of her shell and played with the older ones.

It is heartbreaking, I could have cried when she said that she stood next to the teacher.

Maybe the teacher could encourage her tp play, or with othwrs to play with her.