Reception choices - what would you do?

[yellowhouse]

I appreciate I am leaving this extremely late but I am having a last minute panic. My son (my third child) is due to join his brother and sister at our local oversubscribed state school. The older two have faired well there, even though I have had wobbles about the lack of stretching but that's a different story. However this year we had a very bad year with DS2. To cut a long story short, he was diagnosed with coeliac one month ago and now he is catching up and doing well. His brother was diagnosed with it too.

However for DS2 it was a terrible couple of years really. We did not appreciate it at first, but especially this year, his mental and physical health were in a bad state, he missed most of preschool and was just upset and ill most of the time.

The teacher came home to see him for a visit and was not very positive about him, saying he was "really behind", that he was "not at all like his brother and sister" and that she was very concerned about him, especially as they have a very large class this year (30).

Now although I don't think he is that behind, the preschool seem happy with his development and I would say he is average for his age (milestones on the EYFS are spot on), in comparison to his siblings he seems very behind (his brother, only 1 year older than him is exceptionally bright, so an unfair comparison really, plus we don't know how bright he really is, seen as he spent the last year lying down on the sofa in agony).

I feel it's going to be a bad start for him if he is being constantly compared to his siblings and also if he doesn't get the care and attention he needs to make a full recovery. He just needs a bit of time really to catch up on himself, he has grown 4cms in 1 month and his mental development is catching up accordingly, but it will take longer than 2 months.

Would you consider moving him/changing him to a more nurturing environment if you could (not sure what options we have)? I am panicking big style...after everything he's been through I just want him to be somewhere where he is given a helping hand to get himself back to normal, that is my main goal...I wish I could keep him at home for another year....

PS and I can't really keep him home as a) I work and b) the school is massively oversubscribed so if I give up his place we won't have that option...

I would contact the school and ask them how they are going to support your ds who is "really behind".

If he is behind, then it could be an advantage to have it noticed so early so they can work with him, rather than sending him to a school that says "he's doing very well" all the way to SATS where they suddenly let it drop he won't be achieving the "expected level".

Look on it as a positive thing. "No he's not like his siblings-he'll be treated as an individual". I know when a teacher says that dd2 isn't like dd1 then often that means they are being treated in the way that's best for them on their own.

If you ask how they're going to support your ds and they say "well, I'm sure he will catch up" then imo that's the time to worry. They've spotted a potential problem and are hoping it will just go away.

Your poor ds2, so hope he's got the worst behind him now. It can't hurt to at least explore the other options available. Is there only one reception class or could you ask to change teacher? Personally I'd be quite reluctant to go for a different school (and you may not have another good option anyway) but rather have another chat with the teacher or head and explain your concerns/hopes for DS2 next year and make it clear that you do not want to hear any unhelpful negative comparisons with his siblings.

I think those are both positive suggestions, thankyou. My preference is for him to go to this school with his siblings, not only because of my own convenience but because he knows many children and has many friends there already (all his siblings' and his own!) so in a way that is half the battle won for him.

My DH thinks we should let him start and review the situation regularly with his teacher, making sure we are happy with is progress and doing what we can at home....and that's probably the only option we have right now...thanks again for your advice!!!

could I just say that we've been in a similar position to you - and changed to a more 'nurturing' school .
Nearly 12 months on ,the new school is kinder but there are other issues which the old school didn't have ! In hindsight, I wish I'd tried to sort things out with the first school before moving ,I've come to realise that nowhere is perfect .
My advice would be to give the school a chance , before you uproot your youngest . After being so poorly he'd probably appreciate going to a familiar setting .All the best xxx