Am I being unreasonable?

[FiveHoursSleep]

DD1 is in year 5. She's in the top sets in her academic state primary, enjoys swimming and horse riding, plays the piano and double bass, sings in the choir and enjoys drama, and is social and outgoing. Academically she could be pushed further but she seems to find plenty to keep her busy and is progressing well. Our primary school sends 3-5 pupils to super selectives every year and her teachers think she will have as good a chance as any.
We are in a non grammar school area. We have two local schools with 70+% A-C ( including maths and English) and 30+%A-A*s, so both reasonable schools by any one's standards. I am happy for her to go to either of these schools but DH went to a Grammar school and he'd like her to go to one too.
We do have a number of super selectives within an hours commute from, but obviously competition is fierce for these.
In September, we got her a tutor with a view to sitting the 11+ for 2-3 of these schools but as time goes on I am less keen on this option, and would rather she went to a local school.
The closest super selective is half an hour way and is quite strong in music, so I'm happy for her to have a crack at that, she's had some tutoring so we might as well give it a go.
DD is quite happy to try for as many schools as we want her to, but will be happy to be at the local school as well.
Everyone around me seems to be getting more and more stressed about secondary schools as the deadlines draw closer, AIBU
to be adopting a what will be, what will be attitude?
A lot of the school mums I have spoken to have been obviously shocked that we are not going to be trying for every Grammar school that we can, even if they are miles away.

In your position I wouldn't go for a grammar school.

And in fact I didn't go for a grammar school even though we had one 20 minutes commute away and I was sure DS would get in and loads of kids from his school did.

I didn't think the commute was worth it when I was perfectly happy with our local - and it's results weren't as impressive as yours.

DD2 is off to our local ordinary Comp in Sept.

She didn't want to try for the Grammar. She wanted to be with and gain local friends. DD1 goes there and they are a feeder school so it's very familiar.

Neither she nor I fancy the commute to the grammar, the HW, the long days or the fact that I'd still have to drive her part of the way. (way easier to find work without being tied to this)

IMO properly clever DCs of well educated parents will do well at any half decent school. Between us DH and I can tutor anything except MFL. A tutor for that is less than the Grammar school bus fare.

I know DF, bankrupting themselves, to send their DCs private (non grammar area) think I'm mad.

Only time will tell, but if DD2 does end up teaching. Which has always been her ambition. I really what her to have seen what it's really like.

Perhaps then she'll find something better paid and less stressful

You are not being unreasonable but neither are the other parents. You view the local school as acceptable and they don't, neither is right or wrong, it's just a question of perception and what one thinks is enough. What is good enough for one is not good enough for another.

I feel very strongly that dd1 will be happiest not commuting miles to whatever secondary she goes to. I think its a valid factor.

Hard to keep one's head when all around are losing theirs....

I would never underestimate the embuggeration of a difficult journey to school.

If the 30mins grammar is a straightforward journey, then I'd apply on a "might as well" basis, then 70% school, then 30% school (unless latter is particularly good in everything else). It might be worth looking at other schools to use all your choices, just in case you fall into an admissions black hole. Or are you very confident of getting either 70% or 30% school.

In which case, the only thing you need to stress about is remembering to get all your applications in on time, and checking they have been received. And let other parents worry about whatever they want to.

my DDs primary has been mentioning the 'local grammar' since year 3, she is now yr5 and I'm making decisions

I have discounted the garmmar as it is 45minutes away on a public bus, I have a younger DD and work in the opposite direction so I won't be able to take her

I personally think and hour and a half travelling a day at 11 is too much. Plus very few children from my area go to this school as we are outside catchment -they take out of catchment if you score in the top 2% of the entrance exam so lots of pressure! this means that she will be entirely dependant on me for her social life for the next 4-5 years

the local school is adequate and although I want the best for my child I also have to weigh up the pros and cons and I think there are too many disadvantages to the grammar
EVERYONE has told me I'm mad for discounting the grammar but I think a motivated child will do well anywhere and having to work in a comp vs being spoon fed in a grammar (I went to one, we were definitely spoon fed) is a much better grounding for uni and work in general

OP, with schools that do so well locally, I don't really see any reason to be stressed, so find it hard to understand why others are. You have little to lose by taking the exam for the nearest GS, although when you say half an hour away, is that a brisk walk, driving, or public transport? It does make sense to discount the schools that are further away. Also have a look at the 3 realistic options and see which you and your DD would actually prefer.

workshy, I would say that you don't really have a 'local grammar'. So you are most definitely not mad not to want to send your dd to a school that is just about accessible, but no more. Some parents do consider it, but if you are not desperate for DD to go, 45 minutes on the bus (plus a walk either end?) would be pointless.

The half an hour commute would be walk, bus and train- so a bit of a faff, especially with her bass! I do think girls do better at all girls schools though, so would like to give her the opportunity to go to one.
It's only 15-20 mins in the car so not hard for me to pick her up if she's sick or drop things off if necessary. The other super selectives are at least 40-60 mins away by car. It just seems too far, considering we are on the outskirts of London!

Half an hour is no commute at all. That's a short journey to school. And all journeys to school are a faff with a double bass, aren't they?

I am very biased towards academic schools, so would definitely try for the nearest one, and maybe the others too. But if you are truly happy with the local school and she is too, then it's win win, isn't it? let her sit for the nearest grammar. If she gets in, you can choose then. If she doesn't, that's also fine. Sounds like your attitude is really healthy and positive in that she will feel good about either choice.

You are blessed that you don't live in a rural area. Our very nearest school is a twenty minute commute. It hapens to be a super selective grammar, amongst the top performing in the country. The comps are further away. Twenty minutes? Tish! It used to take me two hours to get home from school (bus plus train plus 25 minute walk uphill over a golf course full of predators).

Happens, not hapens.

What kind of predators?

I think you are unreasonable. I want my child to exceed their own expectations. Not just comply with a pre determined commuting schedule and timings you have decided is acceptable. Half an hour is absolutely nothing. To be honest, an hour commute is not exceptional in London, and very manageable IME.

Presumably all sorts. It was a golf course. And hard by an open psychiatric hospital from which the poor troubled patients often tried to escape (it was back in the days when far too many people were detained). My parents never fretted at all, even in the winter months when it was pitch black walking up. Honestly, were they mad or is the modern world? I just find the horror at twenty minutes a joke.

If the logistics are not doable then that, as they say, is that.

But just be careful that you are not setting your DD up to take the easy road in life. Avoiding homework or indeed academic rigour is a red flag to me, for an able pupil.

I used to have the option of at least an hour on the bus, going sort of two sides of a triangle via the city centre and main train station (ie the bus would spend quite a long time at some stops and would be heaving not just from the school but then fill up even more at the station then at the shopping centre) OR a half hour ish walk (if I put my head down and went really fast). The problem with the walk was that only about 5 minutes of it was on a proper road with plenty of traffic. The rest of it was through woods, cutting through a park (the park wasn't so bad) and then going alongside a train line, which while safe from a railway perspective (there was a fence between the line and the path, so although it would be noisy and whooshy when the Gatwick express or similar went by, it wasn't going to hit me) was a bit dodgy nonetheless (the only place in my hometown I ever saw needles just strewn around).

I usually walked. Nowadays I do sometimes wonder what were my parents thinking but I suspect that there was no telling me, at that age.

Out here even the nearest schools bus takes over an hour (for a -20 minute car trip because the council are too tight/thick to provide a sensible service).

The grammar would be nearer an hour and a half, 10 minutes car then public bus. Because it's not a school bus they then have to wait around and don't get back till well after 5pm.

This is not a private school so no prep, HW still has to be done at home. (OK DD1s private school friend spends so much time chasing a hockey ball she still brings home prep at 6pm.)

But for me the real pain is the fact that I still have to get her to and from the bus.
The last 3 miles is a narrow and at those times busy single track lane. A pleasant cycle in the middle of a quiet Sat. afternoon, but very dangerous on a dark winters morning with half asleep late commuters.

I've been tied to the school run for 10 years, now the DDs are old enough to let themselves in it would be lovely not to plan life and work around it.

5 years of driving at least an hour a day versus an easy walk leaving you to work/get on with things

It's really a no brained for me. Dd walks 3 minutes to school and because of this she has much more time to meet with friends close by and do her homework/access the library after school.

Seriously, 5 years of driving when you dont have to ?!?

What Laurie said. A no-brainer. Your local schools seem excellent and with that many A/A*s one imagines that the top stream/set is just the same academic environment as a grammar in any case. Try for the nearest only - assuming you are within catchment (and a dead-cert) on the locals. If not a dead cert on the locals, then try the others too by all means but put them lower down the list.

It's just struck me that with that many A/A*s most local parents must be thinking the same as you, OP, so maybe everyone around you is the exception rather than the rule.