How to (diplomatically) tell primary head we are moving DD? Any advice?

[jasperc163]

We intend to move DD1 from a small village primary to an indie at Yr2 in september. Not had any major issues with the school, just underwhelmed, so it will probably be a surprise to them. I need to go in and tell them this week.

The problem is that we have DD2 starting reception in 2013 and may decide that we would like to send her to the village primary (not the village in which we live) for a couple of years or so (we were pretty happy with reception yr, just disappointed by progress in Yr1). So I don't want to put the head's back up any more than necessary.

Has anyone got any suggestions as to how to approach it in the best way?? Dreading it!

Many thanks

Was DD2's place given to her because she had a sibling on roll?

I did this recently. I wrote a very short lesson notifying them of our decision, thanking them for their help and support over the years, saying I thought it was a great school with great teachers, but at the current time I felt my children would benefit from (in the case of dd) smaller classes and (in the case of ds) an accademically selective environment.

Hello FridayOL - no we haven't made an application for DD2s place -that would be next yr so she wouldnt get any advantage from that pov. But they would know that we were probably unlikely to leave her there beyond yr 2.

GooseyLoosey - thanks :-) V small school of 70 so was going to go in rather than write. Would you suggest writing first?

I told our head just last month that ds is leaving in September. (He is in Y1). I have been very disappointed with his school but am very confrontation-averse so was wondering just what I would say to the head. As it happens, she didn't even ask why he was going, just where and trotted out the usual platitudes about how thay would be sorry to leave him.

Basically, your dd won't be the first child to leave for whatever reason, nor the last. If you tell the head that dd1 is leaving but that you hope dd2 will be joining the school in the future, I'm sure that should be sufficient to avoid any offence being caused.

(I gave notice in person, by the way. I asked if the head wanted confirmation in writing, but she said that wasn't necessary).

I did both on the same day - e-mailed head before school and then spoke in the playground.

Thanks alot Bradbourne :-) I am prob making a mountain out of a molehill.

Has anyone been in the situation where they have moved one child out but then sent a 2nd there (if only til a move to prep at yr7)? Were the school funny about it?

We moved DD2 at Easter from the local village school to a selective indie school. DD1 had gone all the way through this school only joining indie at Year 7 but DD2 is very bright and we were totally underwhelmed with the school by now. I thought the head would be surprised (she is half way through year 5) but she did not ask a single question, did not mention it to DD2 and did not even say goodbye!! Totally reinforced my view we had done the right thing!

I'll be impressed if OP's head cares at all.
I just wrote a short letter to let them know DS wouldn't be back for y6 & that was that.
No, I tell a lie, the secretary asked me for a forwarding name of school+address to send his records. That was the sum total of official response.

2 DC were still at the same school, & DC4 to start there soon. Nobody has ever asked if I intend to move them (I doubt I will).

All of DS's old teachers have asked about him since, how he's doing, some of them repeatedly! But HT has no interest.

DS would have been projected to do well at y6 SATs, so I suppose they had a slight incentive to keep him, but then again, obviously not.

Maybe it's different at a very small school.

Thanks - i am no doubt having a guilt trip for nothing :-) Luckily both DD's teachers (jobshare) left on maternity leave at easter (what timing) and I have no relationship with the new maternity cover teacher, so my only worry is the HT.
We havent yet decided whether to put DD2 into our own village primary for a couple of years (avoided it with DD1 as we don't think it is very good, but of course its aways nice to be in your own village) or to send her to this other village school (next nearest where DD1 currently goes), so just want to keep our options open at this point.

I think it is a shame you didn't bring up your concerns about year 1 so that possible problems/ issues could be raised and discussed for the potential good of the school. I appreciate this is easier said than done. In the unlikely event the Head asks you why you are leaving- be brave- tell her.

I agree please be honest with the Head about what problems you feel there are. At least then there's the possibility of things being improved for the other children left at the school.

Other than that there's no need to feel guilty I would have thought.

I was even worried about telling them that DS2 wouldn't be starting in YR in September (DS1 is in Y1 there at the moment).

DS2 got into an indepedent school but DS1's year was full so he's on the waiting list (The school is lovely but there are various reasons for us choosing the other school - mainly for juniors and secondary)

Its daft as they probably couldn't care less, but if DS1 gets a place mid next year I will be terrified of telling them - again I'm sure they won't care and as KS1 sats are reported externally then that wouldn't bother them either!

I moved ds2 in Yr1 whilst leaving his older sibling there, so I did talk to the head and explain my very specific reasons for moving him. In fairness he did try to address my concerns, and offered actions that would have helped, but it was too late and I had already accepted the other place (and the move worked out very well for us).

I have to say that I would be surprised if you were to send your younger child back into a state school for reception and Year 1 if you are planning for private by Year 2, given how key the foundational years are. Either way, as it is a state school you either get in via the entry criteria or you don't - she can't stop your dd from going there, and she will of course suspect that she will only have your dd for a short while.

Why wouldn't you send DD2 to the same school from reception?

Sunflowers - We were similarly underwhelmed by our primary school and
we did raise the matter with the school but their attitude was that their objective was to raise the whole class to Level 4 before they left Year 6. The fact that DS and a few of the others were Level 4 at the end of Year 5 meant that the teacher could leave them to thred water for a year while they focused on the other kids.

In year 6 we told the HM in the playground that not only did DS get an offer, he got a scholarship for the indie that we applied to. I did think that if xyz got mentioned in assembly for being the third girl from the right at the local professional panto then DS would at least get a mention for getting a scholarship to a highly ranked indie. DS didn't get a mention at all.

I suspect that the OP's HM will be similarly disinterested in her reason for going the indie route so I wouldn't spend too much time thinking of the best way to present your real reasons. Just mutter some neutral platitudes and leave it at that - you never know when you might need a reference from him :)

Thanks everyone :-) Much appreciated.

In response to specific questions - we may not able to send DD2 to same indie school initially for financial reasons. Otherwise we would. DD1 did very well in reception at this primary and now in yr 1 has a reading age of 9 (she does read alot at home too). However all classwork now is very average and she isnt that excited by it (and she isnt a hard child to stimulate) and at parents eve they would just say all is fine because she is 'on target'. Next year not likely to be better as she is in mixed year class and is October birthday - next year she will be in same class with younger ones up to 1.5-2yrs older than some. I know this can work fine but I have concerns in this case.

However I am loathe to be too specific given that we may send DD2 there for a while (unless our actual village primary improves). As you say LadyMuck they can't refuse DD2 (if she gets in as not guaranteed if no sibling there) but it is too small a school to deal with an awkward atmosphere).

I told the head dd was applying to a different school, told him when she got in and then wrote a greasy letter in follow up, giving no reasons why we were moving her, just plenty of nice things about his school (which I believed, the other school just happens to be better for dd).

He thanked me for being honest, said he was gutted she was going and we left it at that. ds is still at the school, so I did want to be polite, but I also take the view these people are professionals and should behave professionally when they're told a child is leaving.

I don't think you need to go into any details. I am sure the head will be happy
to have an unexpected vacancy to offer to someone else on the waiting list.
A lot of children will have passed through the school before/ if your second child goes and I doubt the teachers will remember.

Obviously the fact that you are taking DD1 out will mean DD2 cant rely on the sibling policy, but i doubt DD2 is otherwise disadvantgaed in terms of admission criteria. ie. if the school has places they will have to take DD2, and if they dont have enough places for everyone who applies, they will have to apply fixed critera and wont be able to select on a discretionary basis (eg taking someone who lives further away ahead of your DD2 because they have taken against you). And once DD2 is there, I would be extremely surprised if she was treated differently from the other children (or if you were treated badly) - as others have said, they are professionals. At my DD's lovely indie pre-prep, there was a parent who complained constantly, the type of parent who I am sure would complain about any school that did not regard her DD as the star and give her favourable treatment. The school were always polite and professional with her.
If the school is oversubscribed and you are taking a place that you dont plan to use for long, then that could have the effect of keeping someone else out who would stay for the course and does not have the indie option. I think you have a right to a state place for so long as you want it, but it is an observation that comes up on here sometimes about whether it is fair on the other child to do this.

Hi WineohWhy - yes i understand your point re places. The school wasnt oversubscribed when DD1 went (as it is the 3rd nearest to us and we got in without appeal) but I realise this may be different next year (even then though we are way down the pecking order having lost the sibling card). However we don't know when we will have indie option for DD2 so want to do the best we can in case. As you say, we have the right to a state place as long as we want it.

I think I have got my script in my head :-) Will prob turn up at school now and find HT not there!

We moved DD to a private school half way through yr1 leaving DS, yr4 and with the intention of DS2 joining the school. DS2 will get a sibling place so no worries there but if there is any reason why siblings dont get a place i.e more siblings than places I expect that DS2 will be one of the unlucky ones as the school runs a lottery for places.

I felt under quite a bit of pressure to tell the school ASAP as the new head wanted to speak to the current head as there is a lot of movement between state and private in our area and she felt it was the right thing to do to maintain good Head to Head relations. I told the head of infants first who, despite being wonderful in the past, was very off with me about it and just kept repeating "you need to do what you think is right" and didn't even tell the head so when I spoke to him it was a complete surprise.

I stressed that we were moving DD as she was very unhappy but that DS would be staying and that our decision was no reflection on the school as we have always loved it and were very disappointed that DD was leaving but we had to put her interests first and we were looking forward to DS2 joining. The fact that I was crying hysterically throughout the whole conversation meant that he was very nice to me about it. A week later he sent a letter wishing her luck in her new school. The head of infants has not spoken to me since so it will be interesting to see how she is when DS2 starts.

Well I 've done it. HT was very nice about it but looked totally shocked and I feel really bad!

I also felt dreadful about it and absolutely dreaded telling the school but it was a real relief once done and DD has just blossomed at her new school so I am well over feeling bad about it. Her old school is massively over subscribed so I really don't think that they cared, they just rang the next person on the waiting list and a new girl took her place within a week of her leaving.