DS1 and nursery again - help!

[Greensleeves]

I've just taken DS1 to nursery again and he refused to go in when the doors were opened. He quite often does this - "I don't want to go in!" but he doesn't want to go home again, either, and he's fine once he's in and never cries when I leave him. This morning he had been quite awkward all morning - "I want to put my shoes on the wrong feet, I don't want my socks on" etc etc, so I wasn't surprised. If we had been at home I would simply have asked him a couple of times to go where he was told, firmly, and then picked him up and put him where he was meant to be. I would never hurt him and I don't get angry and shout - I just move him, if I need him to be in the dining room/bath/bed and he won't move. Both dh and I have done this a couple of times over the refusing to go into the nursery (because he's blocking the entrance!) and over him refusing to go into the right room and take off his coat. We never thought anything of it, but we have noticed before that the nursery staff seem to interfere and think we are being overly harsh. I'm starting to worry that because of the disproportionately harsh way in which dh and I were brought up, we just don't know how to bring up a child and we are getting it all wrong. I thought I was being firm but fair.

Anyway this morning, because I know he has had a rocky week and I think he might be picking up anxiousness within the family, etc, instead of asking him, warning him and then moving him, I sat down next to him and said "if you really don't want to go into nursery school today, if you are too tired, that's fine, Mummy won't be cross, we can just go home and you can have a nice nap instead". He ran in quite happily. The he saw one of the teachers/helpers, and immediately parked himself at her feet and said "I don't want to come into nusery school!". I was just opening my mouth to speak when she basically moved in between him and me, sat down with him and started saying "I've noticed how you like to be on your own, XXX. Don't you like lots of other people? Sometimes I don't like crowds. Do you prefer to play on your own?"

I am gutted. I didn't know he was playing on his own at nursery, or that he was being thought of as a generally anxious child. I didn't know he was an anxious or solitary child. I would have expected him to have bags of confidence, because he is adored, and well treated, and has kind patient parents who don't shout or smack him or undermine his confidence. What am I doing wrong? I feel like such a lousy mother, I feel as though I am failing him and ruining his life, and I don't even know how!

I don't think you said how old he is but many children like being on their own. There's nothing wrong with that at all! In fact, I think it can serve them well later on in life that they don't feel that they constantly need people around them to be happy.

Many children (even school age ones) hate the crowds on going in to school. It's quite frightening when there are lots of adults and children around and probably seems quite manic to them.

I think the teacher was probably trying to do you a favour by engaging him straight away so that he didn't run out or get upset.

Sorry - he's 3.4

At that age it seems to be the norm rather than the exception for children to want to play by themselves. From reading your other thread too it seems as though the staff have a very fixed idea of what they think a child should be doing by a certain age and don't seem to take into account that children are also individuals.

I also really hate it when people talk to parents through the children IYKWIM. If they thought there was a problem with his social skills they should be addressing you directly, not telling a toddler "You like to be by yourself a lot, don't you?" Unprofessional IMHO.

I can't understand how you have got to the 'I am a lousy mother' conclusion. Your ds sounds lovely!

A little anxiety at going into nursery must honestly happen to every child. In fact, some children howl every day for weeks when they first start nursery. Many children do not start actively playing with other children (so engaging other children in their activities) till they are much older. I know my first child didn't do this till she was at least 4.

Hi Greensleves

Agree with foxinsocks - the teacher ws prob trying to avoid him getting upset when you leave and to tell him that it is OK to feel a bit dismayed by all the kerfuffle (love that word!) that goes on. When my DS was in Nursery quite a few of the children had their own little routine of heading for a fav toy and sitting by themselves to play with it. I think it gave them a chance to settle in in their own time IYSWIM.

It doesn't mean that he is unhappy at nursery nor does it mean that he is destined to be lonely forever. Lots of 3 year olds don't "play" with other kids yet.

You are doing fine as a Mum. You are feeling supersensitive ATM becasue of all the issues with your Mum. But you know exactly the behaviours to avoid. And you love your little boy unconditionally and that is just what he needs.

You mustn't balme yourself all children are different. My dd was like that and still quiet and reserved now. It will pass and is about maturity as well. My dd never went to a childminder and I think she just like being at home to be honest and spent alot of time with me.
I used to worry but I don't now, she is much older now and is not the most confident person but that is how she is. larsxx

Many, many children get anxious when they are very young, about going to nursery and playing with others. Is he your eldest? He is so little. My daughter was painfully shy up until about the age of 7. She even developed a nervous tic because she found nursery and then school so stressful. When she was about 4 I went into the nursery to pick her up early and found her sitting in the corner on her own eating her lunch whilst all the other children were playing outside and having fun. I was devastated to find her so solitary. I have told her about this recently and she said, oh well, I can't remember it so why did you worry. Now she is nearly 14 and as confident as the rest with loads of friends and a cheeky madam. When they are littlies they are finding their way. It is great when children can do things on their own without always having their friend holding their hand. He is an independent boy - don't worry - you sound like a brilliant mum.

My super sensitive 3 year old is now a lively and friendly 4 year old bounding around school.

I do think if you have a very sensitive and quiet child you have to work at building up their confidence by slowly putting them in situations where they can achieve and succeed. For us it started with going to playgroups, where initially he did not leave my side but slowly ventured further.

Thank God. I felt like they were all implying that my son is bitterly unhappy and anxious because of the way DH and I treat him. And that he was a loner. I was a very unhappy and antisocial child. I dread watching my children go through all the bullying and the loneliness. You're right Budababe, I am being ultra sensitive because of everything else that's going on. My other son is ill and has been howling and coughing all night, which doesn't help.

Do other parents physically move their three year olds, if they sit down on the floor and refuse to co-operate? Or is it unreasonable? I thought I knew what I was doing, but these nursery staff seem to think anything more pro-active than a high-pitched cooing sound is cruel!

Thanks everyone for replying so quickly, I have got myself into a real state about this

Greensleeves, you are doing fine, please don't worry. Sometimes we can take what teachers say to seriously, IYKWIM. We all want our children to fit in straight away it takes times. I had one mother say to me that dd was so popular and that made me think mine wasn't.

Ignore the comments let him develop at his own pace!

Greensleeves, I physically move my 2.4 dd all the time, esp when it comes to getting dressed for nursery, going into the buggy. Her arms are flailing and she protests at the top of her voice, very often in public. I know other parents sometimes look surprised, but they don't have an intense/tricky toddler like I do. But like you, I do it without much emotion, after giving a few verbal reminders that that is what I would like her to do (haha - just leads to stalling and finally outright nos).

I never thought I was harsh. This is what I consider limits/boundaries for a toddler. She has a chance to comply, but if she doesn't, some things are just not negotiable (like going to nursery because mummy has to go to work). Of course, when I can, I do let her have her way when it doesn't matter. I am a softie, really.

As for solitary behaviour, if you are worried, try to arrange to speak to the nursery staff to find out what they really think. I personally don't think it is an issue with your ds. My dd can also be tricksy at dropoffs and when I pick her up, she is playing on her own. I asked the staff about that and they said she settles once I am gone and is first to join in for table/circle time. But when it comes to free play, she prefers to be on her own. I wouldn't believe it because at home, she clings like a limpet to dh and I. Your ds is still little. Give him time! And if he prefers his own company for now, nothing wrong with that

Thanks blueshoes I will go on thinking the women at the nursery are a bunch of wet knickers then!! Honestly, you could mew in a gentle and non-threatening way at my ds until you were blue in the face, it wouldn't move him one inch.

He doesn't avoid other kids or run off into corners, as far as I have noticed. I was really shocked when she said it. Not during the actual play sessions, he's perfectly sociable - He just doesn't like joining in at the carpet times, or going in through the door in the morning. I think what everyone has said is right. He just needs more time to settle in, and I should stop panicking. Thanks.

Yes, I used to move my children if they wouldn't cooperate.

DS2 is a year older than your son, and he was parallel playing with a friend here last week - I got all worried that maybe he can't interact properly. But lots of children like to spend time on their own and most children have some anxiety about starting nursery.

Please don't worry that it's your fault - these are normal pre-schooler behaviours.

just to hijack completely -
GS - a lovely MNetter who is a good friend of mine has moved fairly locally to you, doesn't know many people, and would be very grateful for someone to meetup with for coffee/tap water/some form of adult conversation during the day! let me know if this appeals!

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MTS - yes, in principle, I would love to. I'll CAT you (don't want to put my email address up here) and we can go into more detail I live in St Thomas, by the way, quite near the river. Most of central Exeter is accessible to me, but I don't have a car. Does your friend have children?

I was being deliberately vague so as to not reveal details of your location to make you less easily identifiable in case of concern about snooping family! it was essbee that I was thinking of - she has two schoolage children and a car so is pretty mobile during the day!

Oh MTS, you are much sharper than me! I wasn't thinking...

saw a mum lookign anxious at nursery today
i do think oyu have to say goodbye firmly and go

I'm lucky there - he never cries or clings when I leave him. He doesn't give a bugger whether I'm there or not... today he virtually threw me out. He said "Oh , you're waiting for your kiss...here you are, now you can go!" I still haven't got used to leaving him, though

Greensleeves I think you ARE being firm but fair . Don't doubt your judgment.