Boarding School: for those of you whose dc are doing it, what are your top tips?

[HolofernesesHead]

HI there. I posted a while ago saying that we are thinking of boarding school for our dc. It now looks likely that they will go - we've found a school that we all love, whose ethos we are comfortable with etc etc. The dc are very excited, and I am for them too. but...I'm aware that it's not an easy thing to do (for me possibly more than for the dc, although I'm aware it'll be hard for them sometimes too).

So what did you do to ease the transition into boarding? Is there any MN folk-wisdom about how to be a great parent to dc who are boarding?

Obviously, there are lots who would simply say: Don't do it. I'm not keen to spark off yet another boarding-bashing thread, so this is just to ask for those of you who have decided to board your dc, how's it going, and what advice would you give a newbie?

Great to hear that you are all excited. Mine were too and it has been a positive experience for them. How old are your children?

They are 8 and 9, Going. Young, I know. The school we've chosen will allow them to come home for the weekends, and to be in phone / Skype contact every day. How old were yours when they started?

Mine were 8 & 10 when they started 2 years ago and DC3 is just about to finish his first year aged 8. Top tips would be give them a list of what they have taken and laminate it so they can check off what they are bringing home (we lose lots). Make sure they have plenty of photos from home we got ours the plastic wall hanger photo frames and they chose what to put in them. We make sure that every holiday they get a daddy day and a mummy day, where they get a whole day on their own with each of us (hard work with 4 DCS)

Mine are really loving it, the second term was the hardest for all of them and they still don't like going back in Jan as Christmas is a fun time and it makes them miss home more. Mine rarely ask to come home on non exe at weekends now as they love being in school with their friends.

Be prepared for the calls where they cry and say they miss you and want to come home now, in our house I ask what have they done to get told off and then they usually fess up and get over it. They normally call when something has gone wrong and they are sad, generally I get them to go find matron or the housemistress and chat with them and call me back later. It is hard but if you get upset they get more upset and as they are away they will exaggerate the situation to you.

Mine have trunks, they are easier to pack than bags or suitcases and they also have a tuck box for their personal possessions (teddy, iPod etc).

When they come home for the first break don't expect to do much they will be shattered and sleep in loads. Oh and from experience if school phone and say don't worry don't they are great at taking them to A&E and sorting out the minor scrapes, the only issue I have is that they usually phone when after they know your DC is ok and the other DCs will have phoned with an amazing story of how x is dying and you should drive down now

It is hard but if you pick the right school (you will know once they have been ill that you have) then it is great and for us a life saver as moving every 2 years was destroying their confidence and education

Pimms, thank you so much for that answer. It's really helpful! We'll be moving a bit too often too, that's why we're looking to board. How far from your dc's school are you? Do you get to go to plays / matches / concerts etc?

I also have a DS going to boarding school in Sept. He is also really looking forward to it. I too could do with some advice on the best ways to still feel part of their day when they are not there beside you every evening.

Mine started full boarding in yr 3 one now in yr 9 chose to carry on full boarding when he changed to his senior school.
My advise be positive "it's going to work". Be honest with them of course your going to miss them and vice versa but this because you love each other. But even if they cry don't you cry generally I'm don't agree with the ethos of not showing your emotions in front of the children but this is different. Your DCs need to believe that you believe that your doing the right thing. They are going to be homesick in the beginning that's normal but you need to remain positive emphasing the good things the relatively short periods of time till holidays the fun dorm raids teddy fights extra curricular activities hopefully more interesting lessons 24 hour friends.
We sent a letter/card that they had on the first morning and letters cards and small gifts weekly. Comics are good but can be heavy and thus postage can be high, second hand books from amazon e.g. my son is mad on modern art and a fantastic selection of 2 nd hand on amazon, small soft toys funny pencils anything that they like and are fun will be much appreciated. Don't keep phoning in fact some schools won't let you for the first few weeks it will upset them we never phoned more than twice a week.
Secondly on the first day quickly settle them in and then go hanging around will not make saying good bye any easier for either of you.
Thirdly if your DC's have any medical/dietry problems etc tell those who need to know in advance. On the first day when you and others are arriving house parents matrons etc will not be able to give you loads of undivided attention.
Boarding is a life changing opportunity your children will learn life skills at any early age that many don't learn till their teens or even at university. They will inevitably be more independent of you but this does not mean they don't love you. IME most children take two terms to settle (I work in a boarding school and our HMs and matron would agree) so don't despair if they're still tearful after a couple of weeks. Keep going remain positive.
My DS2 started full boarding when he was 7 he was the youngest boarder the school had. He was so tiny the smallest track suit trousers had to be cut down to fit him. After two weeks he came home and he made this comment "I realise that when you love someone you don't have to see them everyday. You don't love them less when you see them every couple of weeks."
The best days are of course exeats end of terms when Im so excited that they're coming home.

Holo, we are currently 162 very long miles away from DCs, grandparents are only 20 mins away and have watched matches,plays, picked up sick etc. We generally get down for all plays and music performances, if DH can wangle work in the area he will do a sports match. We have also been prepared to visit during holidays to let the participate in cubs over night hikes and I even made it down to a coffee morning (which was hard as DC4 is in reception up here)

Would agree with Happy sending post is great, kids love post mine get a present each Saturday morning. I have sent paint by numbers, foil scrapping, moshi monsters, go go's etc anything little that they can play with after Saturday school and a note saying I love you. DD2 (5) draws pictures for them and posts them any awards she gets at school so they know what she is doing. The parent portal at our school is great, you know what, when and how they are doing everything. They sometimes ring and I ask how being captain of the first team was and they are shocked that I knew

Our school has a high number of boarders whose parents are a long way away but have grandparents in the area so they do special events which only grandparents can attend, it helps the boarders get over the day pupils always having parents watching. Also the day pupils parents are lovely and regularly invite my DCs out for sleepovers at weekends, or pick up and arrange transport for birthday parties etc.

Get them to do as many after school activities as possible, cubs and scouts are great as they meet others from the local area if the pack is an open one.

My DCs have said they don't like being away from home but they do love the fact that they will never be the new kid again and that their friends will be their friends till they leave school (their school goes up to 18)

Lots of good advice above.

Mine started boarding at 8. Be prepared for the first couple of terms to be really hard: I remember sitting on the stairs with him at the end of the first exeat saying that he just wanted to come home and not board any more and sobbing his heart out. By the end of term he was thanking me for sending him and saying that he wanted to be headmaster when he grew up. No matter how awful those early conversations, you need to stay absolutely positive: one of the things they worry about is how you are and how you will cope. You can make it quite clear that you adore them and miss them without being negative about boarding.

I think it is good to take the lead from the child on how much s/he wants to be in touch or come home. For the first year mine came home every Saturday night and he still likes to spread his exeats to minimise the length of time without seeing us. On the other hand he never ever calls home- the nearest I get is the odd misspelled e-mail. He finds calls unsettling.

Send lots of stuff: even if you can't think of much to say send a note or a card several times each week. Mine likes to get cuttings (usually the cute animal stories) from the newspaper.

Really make the most of the time you do have with them- don't sweat the small stuff just enjoy each other's company.

Send favourite stuffed animals with them. They really help

Trust the staff. The have settled in innumerable cohorts of 8 year olds and will deal brilliantly with homesickness- mine got a lot of brisk dogwalking and lavender oil on his pillow!

It really was worth the initial struggle. He is now happier than he ever was at his day school and has a lovely bunch of close friends from all over the world. They have dorm raids, an elaborate trading system for contraband sweets and lots of messing about in the woods. Much more fun than anything I could lay on at home.

Good luck!

Thanks for all the advice!

Re: being involved you are obviously less involved, some may see this as one of the advantages! No prep agruements and if you are further away no standing on a freezing rugby pitch or watching an unbelievably tedious under 9 cricket matches! Best of all no watching plays where your DC is in the fourth row of the chorus and can just see the top of his hair for 2 hours. The majority of parents at my DS's old prep were absolutely ghastly they probably thought I was too so another positive is that you can have little to do with them. When DS was in Yr 6 we moved and put 200 bloody irritating miles between us and his prep the positive was that no one asks you if you want to be the class rep (wince) or on the PTA and we no longer had a think of an excuse why we couldnt go to the quiz night!
It's the time you have together that matters. I was lucky I didn't work in the holidays when they were at prep. You don't have to do anything exciting to bring both you and your DCs enormous pleasure simply family activities family dinners walks trips to the cinema just being together. We thankfully never received any prep in the holidays when my DS were at prep school he only did revision in the last Easter holidays before he sat his entrance exam so no projects and also you will never again be asked to provide a polar bear costume for Friday. That alone makes it worth the expense!
Do remember your DCs friends may not be local and in the holidays they will want to see them last summer my DS was away for 4 1/2 weeks out of 9 With his friends. This can be hard but they're making their own lives and you have to let them go.

Yes, true - I've heard that taking friends home for the weekend is quite a big part of the boarding culture! I will miss the dc like mad - but it's becoming 'when you go to boarding school' rather than 'if you go to boarding school'. The dc are both really excited - I overheard ds telling his friend about it earlier and was enthusing away. We're already planing a load of nice things to do when they are home so that we can give them ots of lovely memories to take back to school with them.

having dropped mine back at school last night the three of them didn't even wait to say goodbye to me as they had missed their friends over Easter so also be prepared for standing like a lemon with no one wanting to say goodbye to you :( although it is good in a way as it shows me they are happy :)

One tip I was given before my DCs started prep school at age 8 is find out exactly what happens on the first drop off day. Sounds basic but schools do things in a variety of ways.

At our school new children started in a staggered fashion through the day. You had a time to arrive where they were met by their housemaster/mistress and a buddy. The buddy showed them to their dorm where they dropped their bags/cases in their dorms, took out their pencil case and after a quick good bye went into their new class. Parents went and had a coffee with the headmaster and then left. The housemaster phoned that night to update us.

This method was tried and tested and may seem quite quick but it worked for the DCs. It was probably toughest for the parents but we all survived as there were no long drawn out farewells which can upset the children.

My DH emails the DCs every morning and has done since they started at prep school. Our last one leaves school in June!! In return they usually email back but only if they want to. Agree with the sending of letters, postcards etc and of course amazon goodies. We too have amazon prime as it is next day delivery for free which is great for them.

It will be strange not to have a child at boarding school this autumn after 12 years! You will find there are tough times, a bit of homesickness etc but we have never regretted boarding them. So I hope all goes well for you.

Thank you! Going, your post reminded me of reading about someone who had lived a certain life and in old age said 'I have regretted parts of it, but I've never regretted all of it.'

I'm glad to have found this thread! I've a 9 yr old daughter going to boarding school in September too. Small boarding house and going there is 100% her "fault" - choir school ... I'm just at the stage of thinking "hang on what happens when" "what do I still need to get" etc. We've had a lot of useful information but I keep remembering stuff I'm not sure about.

Making family time count in the holidays is going to be so important - her younger brother will be staying at a day prep but also a chorister so they will both need their "share" of our time and the eldest will feel "entitled" to it lol.

Be positive & embrace boarding.

My son started in yr9 & loved the first two terms. After this it went downhill. He adored the school yet detested the rules & regulations of boarding. Could be a lot to do with him being a teenager who liked to call the shots! A great housemaster did his best to help, as did brilliant matrons.

Good advise offered above & your child is younger than mine so he'll find it more exciting & terrifying in equal portions. I know there will be those who bash boarding, but my son chose his school & no amount of me putting him actually put him off! I'm glad he's going to be a day pupil from now on... Or at least till he goes off to uni, but what he's learned from boarding could never be taught by me.

Best wishes to you & your child OP. It'll pan out because you will make it work.
;-)

Hi. I am not familiar with boarding schools but just wanted to pick up on the suggestion of bashing. I think it is hard enough for parents to make decisions regarding their dcs without bashing and even though it is not something I have considered, who knows what may happen in the future?
So I would like to say good luck to all those setting out for the first time, and if anybody does wish to bash they are very narrow minded imo.
I am watching with interest as my dd may decide in a few years, this is what she wants to do.