Busting a gut to pay private school fees for badly behaved daughter...

[mulranno]

I have 4 children. we both work full time really long hours to pay private school fees for daughter who needs learning support. However her behaviour at home is so bad that I resent making so many sacrifices to pay her fees. The other children miss out on our time as we are working so hard. Is it wrong for me to swap to state because I don't think that she deserves it?

If she has ASD she willl be very much better off in the state sector, who are legally obliged to support her and you won't be charged.

Does she have ASD?

I've always found the easiest solution is earning more money (paid 5 sets of school fees). Could you not get a better job or yo both take on a second job and then the fees would not be such a burden or start a business? Think laterally. She's not going to get into the grammar school her two siblings go to so she is probably best in the private sector. Will the last child get into the grammar if not been in private prep like the rest?

Hey, this is similar 2 a situation that happened yrs ago between my mil and sil. Sil was at a local school, she was badly behaved at home, and was always pestering my other sil, and dh (this was when they were kids). Mil was at the end of her tether, and decided that she'd put sil in2 boarding school. It did her the power of good, and she is now a successful account, with a huge house, dp and 2 ds's who are now teenagers themselves. BUT, she has next no relationship with her mother, and is a very cold unfriendly person. personally feel it is bitterness 4 being dumped in2 boarding school, so far away, and she spent w'ends there 2, so hardly home.
What I'm saying is, don't resent her 4 it, just move her 2 state school local 2 you, as I have a feeling she may be well behaved and timid there as she's really not that happy there. Maybe cut some of ur working hours, and spend some time with her on ur own doing girly things. Put yourself in her shoes, and see it from her perspective.

you can move her to the local state school in order to free up funds to send your youngest to a private school in preparation for 11+; however there is no guarantee that her behaviour at home is going to improve because she changes school. In fact I suspect the opposite at least for some time as she adjusts to the change. I doubt really that the bullying you observe or the demands she is making on you and dh will go away simply because you are home from work earlier. Might need quite a bit of work and I am not sure I would know how to go about it. Is there any help you could get with that?

Is it possible that the reason she is so timid at school is because she is very aware that she is behind her classmates. You say she is working a year or two behind her age, a lot of her classmates are probably working above their age.

I think state school and more time with you would be good for her and for your other children.

Don't judge that all state schools pastoral care is not as good as private.

My friend's son has severe depression and is at the local comp. The support he has had there has been excellent , his mum (my friend) has worked in mental health in a hospital so knows what to look for and cannot fault the care he has received by the school.

Obviously not all schools are like this, but they are out there.

Have you considered counselling for her or perhaps CAMHS?

Longdistance, it sounds as if she would have had a bad relationship with her mother if she'd gone to boarding school or not. At least your mum had some happiness and so did her daughter.

Have you talked to her about what she would like and feel happy with?

Do you think maybe she acts up as she doesn't get much time with you as you are working long hours? Maybe she is just after some attention and is acting up at home to try and get some? I think Xenias suggestion of getting a 2nd job would be the worst solution, if you are already working more then full time at the moment and took a 2nd job, this would in no way benefit your children. Its not all about education, children need nurturing too.

Is she actually happy there? Does she have good friends? I sent my oldest daughter privately for many of the reasons you state. She has OCD which can manifest itself as bullying and controlling behaviour at home - I don't tolerate it but I recognise the signs as those of stress. However, she is very happy at her school and is an angel there, always picked to show parents round etc. Sport is an outlet for her which is the main reason I wouldn't countenance the local state school. We have two others, one of which has just started privately and the third will go in a couple of years (currently at good state primary although the differences between it and the private prep are many - the prep is better in nearly all areas).

You said that your DD herself wants to be closer to home, so in that case surely she wouldn't see this as a punishment. It sounds better for all of you (including your other kids) to have her at a state school and for you to be able to back down your hours.

I would agree with going to the GP for a possible CAMHS refferal, as MRZ suggested.

I would also strongly recommend considering all the local schools once again to see which would meet her needs best. Not sure the school she is at is doing that. I would also agree that she is possibly acting out at home the frustrations that build up at school. Home is where she will feel safe enough to do that.

What does she herself say about school?

I think xenia's is the worst possible solution, I fail to see how spending more time away from the family (where the symptoms are being expressed most) to earn more money would help her in any way.

Don't change schools due to resentment but do change schools if your dd's needs are not currently being met

Are you completely sure that the problems are to do with your daughter and not you feeling stressed over fees - which she is then picking up on? Maybe she feels a huge responsibility being the only one educated privately. Maybe her siblings tease her with it out of your hearing?

Do you want to spend more time with her? Do you think changing her school will really make any difference?

If the honest answer to both is yes then it's probably worth thinking about it.

Mulranno - a very good friend of mine has a very difficult daughter who she sent to private school She was so badly behaved and difficult at home that they decided it was a complete waste of time and money to send her privately - she did nothing but moan about the other girls there. They took her out and sent her to the (very good apparently) local state - for the first year things went well and then - guess what? - back to the moaning, no motivation, terrible behaviour, moping and unhappiness. She is now leaving at 16 immediately after gcses. Sometimes it is just the child rtaher than the school.

mulranno,
I think you have to consider the needs of your younger child. If the older kids have had private middle school then its unfair to deny it to the youngest when you could afford it.

Put your SEN dd in the local high school. The local high school may well support her needs well. Let the youngest child go to prep for middle school, if you can afford it.

Otherwise your youngest child might turn round one day and say that you never loved him/ her. The youngest never had the opportunity to be prepared for the state grammar like the older two.

She has had to date what the others have had ie just private y3-6 - the dilemma is to whether to continue into secondary where fees are much higher, cost of coach etc adds to this and in reality this would mean that I would not be able to send our fourth for her private opportunity in yr3-6. Colditz I am not convinced that the private school is meeting her specific sen needs that well - however I do believe that smaller classes and the more supportive environment of a private school would benefit her more broadly. Her behaviour has always been very difficult and in fact she has had more of my time that any of the children as I had a career break when she was born until she went to school - whereas with the others I was back to work at 6 months. My expectations of being home more - as someone said earlier in the thread - is that I would just get the same behaviour -as evidenced by our weekends which require me to schedule 3 activities on a saturday morning just to wear her out/divert her attension and holidays where she can sustain a nag for 48hrs and bully her siblings 24/7 - but maybe I would have more energy to manage her more effectively. We have not done counselling but sounds like a good route - have not considered she is ASD - as home demon/outside home angel makes be think that she is in control of her behaviour.

There is nothing in what you have said to suggest she has ASD but neither does it rule it out as a possibility ( I just thought I'd missed something as it was mentioned). Children with ASD and and similar conditions often hold things together very well in school and have melt down at home. I wouldn't assume she is deliberately badly behaved in the home. Personally I would ask for a CAMHS referral.

How about family counselling to try and get to the bottom of it?

I have made sacrifices for my daughters education in terms of having to change the car, buy less clothes and only go on one forein holiday per year, any more than that and they would be out and home educated. I also have 4 children and want them all to inherit, want them all to have a nice childhood and all to have a nest egg to start them out in life. It's not fair if one child is sucking all the resources to the point of needing to downsize the family home that's ridiculously unfair on all of you parents and children.

I think the "home demon/outside home angel " is actually quite common among SN children, ti doesn't mean they are in control just that they have beocem conditioned to be "good" in certain circumstances. Can you be sure the school is being entirely honest with you ? Maybe scheduling lots of activities makes her easier to manage short term but could overstimulate and raise her expectations above those which you can reasonably met at home.