What do you say about a teacher your child hates?

[Caligula]

What's the correct way to deal with this?

Every Wednesday morning he has this teacher and he dreads it. "She's always angry with everybody", "she tells me off" etc. etc. We're now at the stage where there's a phantom belly-ache, headache etc. every Wednesday morning.

I don't really know what to say to him. I've tried jollying him along and saying "If you just do as she says and behave well and try your hardest, she won't be angry with you", and I've laughed about her and said "everybody has bad days sometimes, Mummy does too, you just have to remember not to wind people up when they're having a bad day", but nothing seems to work.

Should I be doing anything about this?

I had a teacher like this when I was 5, I got sent for maths one morning a week as they had assumed that because I was a fab reader I would be fab at maths.

Well, I wasn't, I was rubbish, and this teacher scared me. So one day when it was time to go, I went to the toilet, didn't come back, and was found crying there about an hour (felt like it, was probably only 10 minutes!) later.

They never sent me again.

This sounds like a similar situation, so if you have a word with the teacher and explain that he really is unhappy, maybe they will rearrange his day? Teachers seem like Gods when you are little - either benign or malignant, but still as powerful as Gods.

Hmm, I doubt if they'll rearrange the day as it's the whole class she takes on a Wed morning. His form teacher does something else as she's deputy head.

Hiya
I can sympathise with you on this. My dd2 had a different teacher for literacy when she was in yr2. She was a fantastic teacher but incredibly hard and we would see the start of the problem every Tuesday evening (had this teacher on a Wednesday)with tummy aches and bad behaviour at home. Wednesday mornings before school were horrible. eventually my dd1 made a big mistake in the lesson and was ripped apart by this teacher in front of the whole class! I went in an demanded that dd be removed from this class. I was told I was being "precious" over the incident, but I stuck to my guns as she was only in this group as she was able to achieve a level 3 in her SATs and this group were being pushed. I said SATs were unimportant compared to dds mental state. They agreed and moved her!! In key stage 2 we have had the same and it is horrible, but unless you have something specific I think you just have to put up with it. DD currently has a different teacher for maths on a Tuesday and she worries and gets stressy but I keep saying how great the teacher is and what great results she gets with her groups etc etc and I think we are seeing a difference in her attitude towards this teacher now. I also went and saw her own teacher briefly before school one morning and just said she was worrying a lot about this and they spoke to dd and reassured her, so maybe speaking to them would be an idea? good luck and let us know how you get on.

Can you sound out other parents to find out if this woman is upsetting the rest of the class as much caligula?
I seem to recall your ds is little, maybe too small to be able to deal comfortably with her by accepting that not all grown-ups are nice and that you may have to just grit your teeth for some lessons.
I think you are helping him lots by listening to his grievances and laughing about her, for starters. I can remember being petrified of my Reception teacher and having all my attempts to explain this to my parents brushed aside
I would definitely sound out some of the other families and if this anxiety is shared by several children then I think you need to speak to the regular class teacher as soon as possible.

Rather than advising him to behave well, try helping him by reflecting his feelings, so that he will perhaps feel that at least Mummy understands. After all, he may be behaving well already (I remember similar issues with teachers as a child, and it was so frustrating when my parents, albeit well-intentioned, made it seem that the teacher's behaviour was anything to do with my behaviour.)

Things like "It must be so annoying when you're doing your best, and she doesn't appreciate it." Or, "Yuck! Wednesday morning - Mrs X. Better get it over and done with, and then you can get out into the playground/enjoy Gym with MrsY/etc"

Don't know whether it will help, but on the rare occasions that my mum came out with something like that, I felt so much better about those lessons.

One more thing, don't let him slip behind with homework for that teacher, even if it means you help him more than you would like. If he goes in knowing that he is prepared then it will be less daunting for him, and it will be easier for him to convince himself that her bad temper is nothing to do with him.

Rather than advising him to behave well, try helping him by reflecting his feelings, so that he will perhaps feel that at least Mummy understands. After all, he may be behaving well already (I remember similar issues with teachers as a child, and it was so frustrating when my parents, albeit well-intentioned, made it seem that the teacher's behaviour was anything to do with my behaviour.)

Things like "It must be so annoying when you're doing your best, and she doesn't appreciate it." Or, "Yuck! Wednesday morning - Mrs X. Better get it over and done with, and then you can get out into the playground/enjoy Gym with MrsY/etc"

Don't know whether it will help, but on the rare occasions that my mum came out with something like that, I felt so much better about those lessons.

One more thing, don't let him slip behind with homework for that teacher, even if it means you help him more than you would like. If he goes in knowing that he is prepared then it will be less daunting for him, and it will be easier for him to convince himself that her bad temper is nothing to do with him.

Hmm, I did say to him once "Oh Mrs. K, she's a force of nature, like the weather, you just have to put up with it whether it rains or snows or hurricanes" and he laughed, but then afterwards I wondered if I was being too dismissive about her and being undermining of her. I want to re-assure him that it's all right not to get on with her and to carry on working etc. in her lessons, without giving him the feeling that because Mummy doesn't like her either, he's allowed not to work/ behave in her lessons, iyswim.

I don't think it's undermining her authority. Somehow you need to show your ds that you expect respectful behaviour from him at all times, while simultaneously supporting him and showing him that you understand his frustration and distress to do with this teacher. He's going to have to learn to cope with the fact that sometimes you have to deal with people with whom you don't get on. I'm convinced that children who are supported by their parents, and who now that their parents accept their (the children's) feelings, can deal better with such experiences.

But what would I know?! I've not had to deal with it myself from the parent's point of view, only experienced it myself as a child - and also as an adult at work.

I agree wtih PC - imagine if you came home and told your husband that your boss was being horrible to you and you hated him, and your dh said, 'well, are you working hard? Maybe if you did your job better he'd be nicer to you.'!
He's opening up to you and I bet he feels criticised.
Sorry if this sounds really harsh. I don't mean to be, esp as it's exactly the sort of thing I hear myself saying to ds and cringing when I do
I think sympathise with him, say, 'oh dear, that does sound horrible', then say, what do you think you could say or do to make it not so horrible for you? let him come up with his own suggestions - possibly with your help too - eg thinking about playtime, or popping something extra nice in his lunchbox on days when he has the horrible teacher.

I don't think he does feel criticised, I've only ever said that he should make sure he works in her lessons once, when we were going through options. Because of course when your child tells you the teacher's always angry with them, it does cross your mind that it may be their fault!

But I don't think it is his fault, I do think it's because she's really not a nice woman. But I also think there's not a lot you can do about someone who isn't a nice woman - you do just have to put up with them.

It irritates me that she is allowed to be so negative though. I know that she goes in for the "negative criticism" school of classroom management (from other parents) and in view of the fact that the whole of current thinking is about positive parenting, positive praise etc., I wonder why that's not extending to primary schools. But I also don't want to make a big song and dance about it to the school.