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Original poster

Is it normal to be this stressed

28 replies

shinybaubles · 14/03/2012 08:54

My very lovely ds1 who is 5 has two assessments in two days next week for private school - and I know he is behind the English education system - we are overseas and formal education hasn't really begun. I did let both the schools know this and was very honest about where he is in terms of education, hoping that if they were going to say no they could just do so without assesments. That said he can read and do some maths. But I am really stressed - I mean it's begingin to make me feel quite ill. I did think about really making him study for them but he is 5 - all I can do is read with him everyday.
Our move back to the UK is pretty dependent on him getting into one of these schools, and I am very aware of this but do not wish to put him under any pressure, as he's not happy about moving. Is it normal to feel like this. I have told him he is going to see the schools and see if he likes them, is this the correct approach or should I make him aware they will be assessing him. Any advice would be lovely.

OP posts:
milkshake3 · 14/03/2012 09:10

Why don't you look for a school that does not assess at 5 for entry? These schools must be pretty special if your location in the world is dictated by him getting into one of them. There are lots of good schools. Which area are you moving back to ( you hope!?)

Original poster
shinybaubles · 14/03/2012 09:12

Canterbury - it's aplace both dh and I would feel happy in, but we are very flexible about where we live it's just important to get ds into a good school.

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Maybetimeforachange · 14/03/2012 09:18

Assuming that the schools you have chosen are not academic hothouses and you have been upfront with them then it should be more or less a formality. Rather than looking at his academic standards they are more likely to be making sure that he can sit in class, listen to a story quietly and that he seems engaged and would fit in with the current class. They will also most likely want to get an idea of exactly where his needs are so that they can plan for what help he needs. At this age he will catch up really quickly. Would he currently be in reception or year 1?

We moved my DD earlier this year, in year 1, and the assessment was extremely informal. She spent an hour in the class, went to assembly and then read quite an easy book and did a very simple maths sheet with the teacher. We had told them that we were confident that she was doing well academically but had we said differently they would have still been able to support her to catch up.

stillfeel18inside · 14/03/2012 09:20

I think if you're feeling this stressed, you do need to take a step back and consider what you mean by "good schools". There are lots of private schools that don't select in this way at 5 but have great success later on when it comes to getting them into their next school.

Original poster
shinybaubles · 14/03/2012 09:25

I don't think they are hothouses - I suspect they are academic - and I was totally honest. He would be currently in year 1 but is not because we are not in UK. Even if they wanted to put him back a year I would, be happy with that, I would also be happy to have him tutored during the summer so there is less of a gap come September.
I am probably over reacting we have a lot going on as a family at the moment, and it seems to all hinge on this.
Did you tell your dd that she was being assessed?

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Original poster
shinybaubles · 14/03/2012 09:28

I am totally trying not to project my stresses onto ds. I suppose there are schools don't assess, but the problem is we are coming back to the UK and since dh works from home we can live almost anywhere in the county - it's really hard to just pick a location and find a school - I know most people have the opposite probelm they are tied to locations and schools by jobs. I have no family apart from my sister and she lives in London where we don't want to live. So it's a bit like sticking a pin in a map.

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Maybetimeforachange · 14/03/2012 09:45

NO, we told her that she was going to visit a school to see if she liked it and that they might ask her to do some reading and maybe a sheet. We kept it extremely low key with her. Ultimately, there was a space in year 1, she is a bright enough co-operative girl, it wasn't a highly selective school and as a private school they would want the income so we were relatively happy that she would most likely get a place.

I think that they key thing you can prepare him for is perhaps chatting with him and making sure that he can answer any questions they ask him confidently. Things like, what does he like playing? what is his favourite book? They know you are coming from abroad so I am sure that they will have realistic expectations. My experience of looking round for yr1 places in independent school is that there were places everywhere other than in the top tier all through schools.

Original poster
shinybaubles · 14/03/2012 10:02

Thanks Maybe that's also what I have told him, they do have space I asked very clearly and they both have space for him and his brother as long as the assessment goes ok. I will do as you suggest with regards to the chatting.

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Buzi · 16/03/2012 16:47

Wow u have really got uself stressed ! England is full of schools .....you also need to think about whther or not there are secondary schools later in the area. If your child is very immature by all means put him back at the beginning I wish I had done that with my son but you can't do anything for those assessments they usually just get them to draw a picture and tell them about home etc and they might ask them to solve a few puzzles or something. I think schools also try to suss out the parents so don't go in there being stresssed !f I was you I would get yourself some family counselling you can do it on the phone google the daischain i think it is called. ...costs a bit but may help you to work out what is best for your son. It isnt healthy for you all to be swinging on this especially as he is only 5 . Lots of theae private schools are overrated their popularity is merely a function of peoples fear of the local alternatives and the private schools are selective...Why dont you guys live somewhere nice where there thigsnto do andw be happy by the way the weather and economy here sucks so maybe move to phuket abd put them in dulwich college ....sun !

Buzi · 16/03/2012 16:54

Ps my dds and nieces and nephews have been to some ofbthevso called to the best in the country...there is no magic school that turns dds into special dds. If you think that you may be bitterly disappointed ! I dont understand how behing he is ? In private schools and v academic at 5 theybstart to read and learn phonics and count bubbles etc..it rampsmupma bit in year 2 . If dd is v immature I would put a year back if mature carry on.

Original poster
shinybaubles · 16/03/2012 17:07

Thanks Buzi - he is not imature just been educated in a different system where they do little formal learning until 6 - and since he is not yet 6 - he most likely is behind.

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Buzi · 16/03/2012 17:53

Why dont you ask the school nicely after he gets in What to do...they may have ayoung teacher who wants some cash for the hols prepared to bring him up to scratch pr maybe he will hit the ground running.is it private or state ?

Buzi · 16/03/2012 17:55

I expect the assessment is a formality to screen out real trouble shool likes fees and double or triple acts even more !

Original poster
shinybaubles · 16/03/2012 17:55

Private.

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Trix2323 · 16/03/2012 17:56

No, I don't think it is this normal to be so stressed about a 5-year-old doing a few tests for admission to a school.

ime, schools like to give the impression that everything is totally oversubscribed and that waiting lists are miles long even when that isn't true. This is because they want you to feel that you are lucky if you get in. They do everything so taht you won't think they are desperate to enrol your child.

If he can do a bit of maths and read a bit it should be fine. I have the impression that indies just want to see the child to satisfy themselves that there are no "red flags".

My advice - since you have asked - would be to relax a bit. If he has been in a Continental pre-school, what they are doing at that age is not nothing, even if it is not prescribed and assessed in the same way as the UK system. I doubt that he will be as behind as you fear.

I have just moved a child from a state school abroad to a UK indie and the transfer has been fine, despite certain "gaps" in knowledge, and that is at a much later age.

Original poster
shinybaubles · 16/03/2012 18:31

Thanks Trix, I am trying to relax I guess these are my issues - I am not putting pressure on him, I have been waiting to come back home for almost 5years, and now it is almost a reality it's scary and stressful atm. It's a bit like we're almost moving back but until I know he has a place in a school I can't see it as really happening. If you get that. And that's making it stressful.

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Trix2323 · 16/03/2012 19:36

Shiny, he is five. If you are looking at independent prep schools, there are over 2,000 of them, and loads of really nice ones (to judge from the websites). And you can live anywhere! If you don't get your first choice - which you probably will - there will be other very good ones.

Will you be looking at boarding later on?

Contrats on moving back, if that is what you want. I can understand the stress there and that nothing else can be fixed until the school in upon. I am in a similar situation with schools - I can't wait for it be sorted out!

Original poster
shinybaubles · 16/03/2012 19:41

Hi Trix - well tbh he is 6 next week - but still a baby.
I know we have appointments at two next week - so fingers crossed otherwise dh has declared we are moving to Devon or the Bahamas - Confused
I am hoping it doesn't take the schools too long after assessment to say yes or no, do you know how long it takes before you get an answer.
I hope you get everything sorted too.

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Yellowtip · 16/03/2012 21:58

shiny it's not only not normal, it's completely unnecessary and also counterproductive, because your DS will pick up on your stess.

I think the problem is that he's your first (and only?) so it's harder to know the system and gauge what's required.

Surely you should decide where you as a couple want to live and then let schools flow from that? Putting this much premium on schools, especially when you can afford to pay and so have a significant degree of choice, is getting your priorities wrong?

Relax!

conorsrockers · 16/03/2012 22:01

There are lots of very good prep schools that don't require assesments in and around Tunbridge Wells/Cranbrook area. Lovely place to live too ;)
I can understand why you're stressed about it, you just need to take it cool for the sake of your little one. He needs to feel safe and relaxed about it all and he will need to get those vibes from you. It's not about what they know already or whether they mastered Shakespeare while still in nappies., it's about so much more and the teacher will be able to assess whether they are a good match for the school and vice versa.
Have a glass of wine and try to forget about it!

Trix2323 · 16/03/2012 22:08

When I applied to prep schools, with one I was practically offered a place on the phone. I was able to supply quite a lot of evidence of ability, which I guess helped. When we actually visited, DS was told, to his face and in front of us, "We'd love to have you".

At another, with DS age 4, I was told something similar despite DS having a few problems.

I really think that the fee-paying schools - probably including the one of your first choice - will be welcoming you and your DS with open arms. They will never tell anyone how many vacancies they actually have, or how many extra pupils they could accommodate.

Original poster
shinybaubles · 17/03/2012 05:51

Yellowtip he is my first but not only I have ds2 who is 2 also. But you're right in that I have been struggling to understand the system, I was only partly educated in the UK and I no know one with children to ask questions of etc. We did decide to live in or around Canterbury, but when you have no ties a particular place it's actually real hard just to pick an area from a map and say lets move there.

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Original poster
shinybaubles · 17/03/2012 05:53

conorsrockers - really dh is quite interested in Tunbridge Wells - could you recommend any so I could have a peek if this doesn't work out? Thankyou for the support.

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Original poster
shinybaubles · 17/03/2012 05:54

Thanks Trixx - good to know. Kepp your fingers crossed for us next week.

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conorsrockers · 22/03/2012 03:30

Marlborough House - v academic/pushy/twinset, Dulwich Prep (Cranbrook) - still academic, little less pushy, not at all twinset (!), St Ronans - more outdoorsy and arty but still v good results, kids struggling academically at Dulwich/Marlborough seem to gravitate towards there... they are a little more laid back. Three very different schools, but all VERY good - really depends where you think you would fit in and you would only know this by going there. Canterbury - Kings/Kent College, don't have any first hand experience - but I know they are both good schools, (which I guess is where you are looking) - sorry for the late reply, keep writing it up and connection drops on phone - 3rd time lucky hopefully!!

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