Suggestions and ideas for helping DD1 settle into new school. Breaking my heart at the moment!

[mrspink27]

We have been out of the school system for 6 months while we travelled overseas and made the decision while we were away that the DDs would not return to independent school but go "local".
They started at the end of January in mixed y3/4 and y5/6 classes. DD2 (y3) has settled well and seems happy enough - she is more gregarious anyway and the types of friends she makes are quite transient. We have had a couple of girls back for tea and she seems ok.
DD2 is a different case entirely. I think that she wants to wake up one day and this all have been a dream. She is so unsettled and sad at the moment. I actually found a doodle which she had written which read "I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself!" She is in Y5 which I know is a difficult age to "break in" to existing friendship groups - and also a term and a bit in to the year. She has had our phone number to share with anyone she wants - but I am not sure whether she has given it to anyone, but the phone hasnt rung yet! I have asked for a class list, but because of data protection there isnt one and the class rep hasnt been forthcoming either. At year 5 lots of the children come to school on their own and the melee at the end of the day means that identifying parents tends to be tricky. There is a learning mentor at school who supports new children and I have spoken to her a bit, but DD1 is desperate not to be identified as "not coping" or "receiving special treatment". She tends to make friends who will be her friend forever.. if that makes sense, more meaningful than DD2 I suppose I am saying. I also dont want to "engineer" a friendship if it is not right for DD.
I know it's early days yet, but she seems so sad and emotional. Guilt is even worse because it was ultimately my decision to withdraw them from their last school. It is horrible watching her struggle so much, she is a very bright girl and I know this is affecting her learning - although she will catch up I am sure.

What more can I do? Any suggestions or ideas welcome. I suppose we are all still learning and are all a bit fragile... but I didnt imagine it was going to be this tough.

it just takes time, and patience.

my DCs (y2 and 4) moved school (again) in September, and for DS1 who is 9, it has taken about half a year to "fit in" a bit. He now talks about other boys, wants so-and-so to come and play at our house, but saying that, at this age there aren't that many "play dates" any more.

I find that doing something he loves doing after school, with some of the boys in his class, has really helped (judo club and construction club). What does your DD like to do?

It has been hard to watch from the side lines, and I have been there for him when he was sad and missed his old friends, but ultimately, he had to do it all himself, I cannot micro manage his life.

It takes time, patience and faith! It will be fine.

I would encourage out of school activities, find groups and clubs out of school for her to join. The last couple of years at primary and the first few at secondary can be hard for girls.

You could also buy a copy of Queen Bees and Wannabes, to gen up on the subject.

To be honest, I'd put her back in her old school for yr5 and yr 6 if you can stretch to it financially, then opt for state secondary. Age 10ish is a sensitive age for girls and maybe this move is just one step too far for her. If she goes to state secondary everyone is 'new' and making friends is going to be easier.

I would love to be able to send her back, but we really, really couldnt afford to, our fees were subsidised as well and I am not working there any more and so it would be an unmanageable bill at the end of every month. Also not sure how I could move one back and not the other... even if we could afford it.

Thanks for your help so far.

We changed school when DD was Yr2 and DS was Yr4. DD sailed through. DS - well, you pretty much described him in your OP when you described your daughter!

It took the whole of the first year and nearly every night I got a list of complaints and negative things other children had said or done to him - mostly perceived rather than actual. Then we had the summer holidays; he trudged back in for the start of Yr5 and bugger me, all kids delighted to see each other and the 'newness' had just disappeared - all of a sudden, he was just one of the gang!

It was a feckin' long year though!

"I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself!"
I work with children and if I saw this sort of thing I would be very concerned. Talk to the form teacher/head teacher/learning mentor explain what you've found I would hope that they would take this seriously and offer some sort of suggestions to help.
Also talk to her tell her what you've found say you are concerned for her.
I know you dont want to engineer things but I think you should try ask her who she likes/quite likes/acknowledges exists/someone on her table or ask the teacher. If you cant find the mother can you put a note in the homework diary/bag invite her for tea/cinema/girly activity you've got nothing to loose.

OP, I hope things settle down soon. Have you told her why she is at her current school and why she will did not return to her old school? An explanation may put things into perspective for her. Also the time frame may help her; it's only a term and a bit in yr5 and then yr6 and then she's off to secondary which is going to be REALLY exciting!
Clutching at straws here... but sending lots of good wishes

Thanks everyone for your messages.
While we were away we had lots of family discussions with the DDs about the future and, although the final decision was made by DH and I, the girls were involved at all times - we talked about the reasons why we were thinking about/deciding on etc and then when it came to available places for schools the DDs visited with me and really chose the school themselves.

I think she will settle, eventually, and I have now talked to the teacher again (a man!) and he seems to be taking it seriously now. I think we may do a party towards the end of the term, maybe an egg hunt or something.

It is just so hard to see her struggling and feeling so helpless - while she is at school she has to get on with it.

I really recommend getting her involved in some outside interests. My eldest DD really struggled in years 5 and 6 and she hadn't even changed schools. Just girls of that age can be nasty sometimes. My DDs outside friends really helped, she did swimming, choir, youth group, and riding.