Missing DS who at boarding school...

[Trix2323]

DS2 has been at boarding school since September. He wanted to go and that he is very happy there (at least, he us that he is). We speak regularly - he calls us whenever he likes, which is just about every other day.

I miss him very much. Could anyone share some practical, sensible thoughts and ideas on how best I can deal with missing him?

Do you write to him Trix? I know it might seem silly when you speak regularly anyway but I loved getting letters at boarding school, and I wrote a lot of my own too. I think it's comforting on both sides because you can work on them for a while if you're the writer and as the recipient it's something you can keep and re-read and so on.

Your post has a couple of gaps in it but I think you meant to write '(at least, he tell us that he is)'. Do you have doubts about how he is getting on? If that's part of your distress then I think it's important to talk them through with him, though I realise it must be hard to be objective and to give him the space to be honest when you are missing him a lot yourself. Obviously it is normal to be homesick sometimes. But on the other hand I think it's impossible for parents who haven't boarded themselves (unless you did?) to appreciate just how much children don't tell their parents about life at boarding school. So if you have an instinct that something is wrong I think you should speak to him about it.

It would be more worrying if you didn't miss him to be honest. Of course you do. Maybe keep reminding yourself why you chose a boarding school and the benefits/reasons of that choice which presumably outweigh the alternatives.

Have never boarded, or had a child who boarded , but I do know what it's like to miss a child who is away on school trips/at university and kept reminding myself they'd soon be back , and the benefits they'll be getting from what they are doing etc

trix can sympathise with you... IMO one reason that we as parents miss our DCs even more is because suddenly we have extra time. I used to find the worst time was about 4 - 8pm from after school until my DH cam home as it was lonely (am not sure whether DS1 is at home). So try and arrange to do something at this time. Letter writing is a great idea too.
It does get better especially when you see what a great time he is having. Do though give him the chance to say both positive and negatives things about school? We always used to ask what was the best thing that happened today and what was your least favourite thing. However, there is a difference IMO between making sure your DS can tell you anything and parents looking for problems (not in anyway suggesting that you are in the latter category) as it can make it difficult for everyone. Chat to the Matrons as well as his tutor as they are usually very aware of how children are feeling and are experienced with parents missing their children as well as homesick children!
My DCs have boarded since prep school (last one about to leave school) so have been where you are.... it is normal to miss our DC and it is normal for them to be homesick or have an off day - they would if they were at home.
Hope you are enjoying half term!

DS1 started full boarding nearly 7 yrs ago when he was only 7 over time you just get used to it. I think a lot if it is not knowing what's going on. Teenagers (I don't know how old you DS is) are often less forth coming than primary aged children and this doesn't help. Do you attend things at the school? Matches if your DS is in them, school plays/concert even if your DS isn't in them inter competitions art exhibitions etc I think it helps you to feel part of the school and perhaps reinforces you decision about choosing that particular school. Since September weve attended about 4 things and have not always seen our DS but you come away thinking how good the school is! It all helps.

My DS1 (12) started full boarding at Christmas, Being brutally honest I am surprised just how much I miss him!
I agree with actual writing - I look for funny cards that will make him smile - although I learnt early on not to be too soppy!
We also have him home every sunday morning for rugby and then tend to take him for lunch. Can you go and watch his matches?
Emails are good and if you still need something can you work on a journal for him to show when he's older?
What also works for me is to put all three tired children in a room for two hours without anything electrical. Then I remember how peaceful it is without him (he's the one that antagonises everything!) and wave him back off with a smile!

Yes I agree the "tea-time" slot is the worst- I now just spend longer cooking a meal for DH and I, take the dogs out for an evening walk which I couldn't do before because I was on the school run. My DS and DD like postcards, sweetie parcels etc and we see them every two weeks ( sometimes more frequently if matches on etc). In the first few weeks they phoned and told us all about their days etc. A term and a half in and they phone and ask lots of questions about what is happening at home and wanting to know what I am doing, which in turn has led me to get more active now I am not worrying about them and wanting to be in every evening to answer the phone. Now I just text them and say we are out tonight and they ring to find out the news, how we got on etc later in the week. Its a new way of life and needs adjusting to- it was their choice not ours. I find it hardest but I think it was the right thing to do for them both for different reasons so that helps- DD gained her confidence and lots of friends and DS just more into school work and trying new hobbies etc.

Trix I also wondered from your OP if you wonder if your DS is not happy why do you think that? Has he has said to you he is but you're unconvinced? I was talking to a mum at my DS's school (he changed to his senior school last September) she was saying her son has never boarded before and found it hard in the beginning he liked the lessons but found the actual boarding side difficult. When ever people ask me about boarding primary school aged children I always say although they get home sick they probably find the change to communal living easier than teenagers who are more likely to want and need their own personal space and have developed strong ideas on how they want things done, I think it takes a least two terms for those new to boarding to settle down and of course some will take longer. I've just asked my DS who now is nearly unable to remember life before boarding what advise he would give to those new boarding: get involved with every activity going, not to get "stressy" when others tease you because it will encourage them to do it more and not to be arrogant because all the rest will despise you. Dont be influenced by others in attempt to be liked; be yourself. Boys are often very hierarchical and competive and I suspect the first few terms are spent working out your position in the pack which again those not used to boarding can find difficult. Home sickness obviously exists even among teenage boys and in my working life I frequently encounter boys who are home sick but don't want their friends to know. Most school health centres now offer a non judgemental place of safety if he feels unhappy a bolt hole where he might get tea biscuits and sympathy and be allowed to just sit quietly for a while. Finally even my experienced boarding DS was absolutely shattered this half term and looked pale and drawn when I picked him up last Friday. Dont misinterpret this as unhappiness.
Boarding is a wonderful experience for your DS. my DS has not only learnt essential life skills he has a million more opportunities than any day child so be positive and hopefully you will eventually see that the positives out weigh the fact they you miss him.

Thank you for all the helpful posts. It is so useful to have that longer time horizon perspective from others. I'm making a mental list of stuff to do - write letters and post them , re-visit the tea-time period, and get something else into my life!

I don't have any reason to think he is less than completely happy. He says he is happy, he writes letters enthusing about the "lots of fun" that he is having, he is doing well academically (and I assume he couldn't be doing well if he were unhappy).

It is just that, in the beginning I had the impression that it was tonnes of fun and that he found it a bit like a holiday camp with a few lessons thrown in (just so they don't get overtired from all that sport!). Whereas five months in, things are different. Last weekend he had a cold and couldn't play the sport (which was mostly cancelled due to weather), and I just felt upset not to be available to him when he was slightly unwell.

stoppingat3, I felt just like that when DS1 went off - the house became much more peaceful as DS1's behaviour was sometimes quite challenging. But DS2 is quite and lively in a very desirable combination, so I am finding his absence harder.

Also, I used to pick DS2 up from his extra curricular activity and bring him home, DH usually cooked. Now that he is not here, I don't even know what time to leave work.

Thanks HG for all those insights. I know very little about real boarding schools or what goes on there. (I am discounting information obtained from those Malory Towers stories several years ago!)

It isn't a holiday camp IME they work unbelievably hard and participte in loads of activities as well. Prep for two hours six nights a week endless exams then matches my DS came up to London one afternoon for a match he didn't get back till 7 pm just in time to start prep. If for any reason he misses his two hour prep session he has to find the time somewhere else in an already packed day, add in a few dorm raids and just chatting to others in your dorm till late it's not surprising they're exhausted by the holidays and have such long ones.

HG, I didn't mean that I thought for a minute that boarding prep school is like a holiday camp. But he does seem to be enjoying it as though it were a holiday camp. In his perception, there was "loads of fun" all the time. He adores all the activities - they do seem to cram every minute with something interesting to do - and enjoys the lessons. Actually, I think it says something about the quality of teaching - (subject teachers from year 4 onwards) as well as the learning atmosphere (high expectations, everyone well-behaved and attentive) - if his perception of lessons is that they are "really interesting" and that he enjoys them.

I listen to your warnings regarding secondary school and the tiredness. Some friends who had a child at the same school as your DS, when I asked what he does for exeat and half-term, answered, "sleep". Apparently, the DS would come home and sleep for most of the weekend, just because it is all full-on during term time. The DS is at a first-class university now, so I guess all that hard work pays off. :)

My DS has also slept for large parts of this half term and we have no exeats this term either. It's a very intense environment and as I always say not suitable for everyone however bright they might be. We're really lucky it works for him and he loves it.
I am a convert to boarding it is IMO a positive life changing experience for children. When I miss him or look at my empty bank account I remind myself of this.

NB also all the activities are to exhaust the children and not give them time to miss you - unfortunately the school doesn't take the parents needs into consideration!

Letters/postcards are very good - and random unexpected parcels for him to receive. What about finding a mag/comic that you could send him every week? (My DM used to do this for us.)

And I boarded under 20 years ago but think with mobiles/email and general lifestyle that people are MUCH more in touch than they were then.

Trix, I'll find out in September when ds goes off for sixth form, which will be hard as he is an only. He would be going in two years for uni, so this is his opportunity to have some semi independence and autonomy and learn a bit about coping on his own.

I will miss him loads and have to be restrained from popping over to the UK to see him, but dh has already threatened to tie me down so I can only go at half terms, as there is no exeat.

Scaryteacher: I hope it goes well for your son - and for you. My DS1 went of at 15+, and I found that much easier to deal with than the younger one.

No exeats? Is that common?

As for popping over to the UK, that has got easier - it can be possible to get over and back in one day, depending on where the school is.

Trix I think its never easy whatever age they go but we just have to know that we have chosen the particular school and age they go off with the best intentions.

Scary no exeats at PS? Surely they are free every weekend just like an exeat or do they have Saturday lessons? Our exeats go from after sport on a Saturday until Sunday night and once a year they finish after school on a Friday until Sunday evening. My DC told me that he was looking forward to university because it would be the first time for 10 years that he wouldn't have to do lessons on a Saturday morning!! He is looking forward to every weekend being an exeat!

It's sixth form college - and he will be boarding, so the boarding house doesn't shut except for half terms, holidays and a weekend in May, so he doesn't have to come home, unlike exeats. I think he won't want to come home if he enjoys himself there as much as I did!

I really don't fancy Brussels to Winchester and back in a day thanks, and we have to use the ferries not the tunnel due to LPG cars.

he'll be working at weekends as he has AS modules in the January, and failure is not an option, especially as we may not get CEA due to the new regs. If I am paying, he is working.

ooh, I feel your pain too. My boy boards and is a chorister so the exeats are few and far between. When you live a distance too, I only get an hour in the week which after a 50 minute drive is heartbreaking. I am now working part time too which means the mid week trip is impossible.

The weekends are punctuated with cathedral duties and rehearsals so again difficult to plan anything away from the school for anything more than a couple of hours as you have to bring him back for a certain time. He doesnt keep his mobile on so no contact in the week, there is a house phone but its a quick conversation as the times to call are between end of prep and bed time total 15 mins! (there are other boys waiting for calls too so a quick chat) I am really struggling too, he is my one and only!

I havent found a solution to stem the pain yet!

My dd (age 11) is starting in September and I wake up some nights in a panic thinking I can't send her and I will find her a day school then next morning it all seems fine again! She is just so incredibly excited I am trying to focus on that!! It's a lovely caring school and has so much sport which is what she wants - is very interesting to read all your comments as we have been told we can watch all her matches etc

Surely, if you felt so guilty, you'd take him out and send him to a day school?

It's your choice whether to send him to a boarding school or not, and if you're missing him a lot, just bring him home.

Simples.

Not simple at all. You don't have children to keep YOU company, to ease YOUR lonliness. Only bring a DC home if he/she wants out.

Tenalady the arrangements in your DS boarding house sound quite strict. How old is he? I would be climbing the walls too in that scenario of lack of contact. My DS has about an hour between the end of his evening meal and the start of prep when he is free to call ( has access to mobile whenever he likes in boarding house) and/or skype chat ( not allowed to call/video on it as uses too much bandwidth) which he does most days. He also has an hour and a quarter between end of prep and bed when some nights he is busy but not very one.

If he feels the need of a private chat with us where he can be sure no-one can hear he knows he only has to ask HM if he can call home and is allowed to use the phone in HM study/office- all boys know in evenings that this is permitted if you ask.

In his early days there we didn't have too much contact as his mobile reception was poor - we mentioned to HM and he reassured DS of times when he was allowed to go outside to call, use his laptop to Skpye, helped him set it up etc and that he could have private calls in his office. MIght be worth a word with house master?

Schoolchauffeur, love the name btw lol! He is 10. I like the idea of the skyping, hadnt thought of that and will look into it as we have just bought him a laptop. He does have his mobile but is a devil for forgetting to put it on and matron takes them away in the evening at bedtime. Once the phone is out of sight its out of mind and he forgets to ask for it again!

That hour and quarter you mention is taken up with cathedral duties. He gets back from school to have rehearsals in the song school or evening song and then on to have dinner and after that its prep and bed at 8.15pm. So time is tight for him.

I know any spare time he has its normally on the computer so the skype thing maybe a help - Thanks x

Mumbles, it was his choice to do what he is doing. As a Chorister it is a requirement to board and he really enjoys it. I am the one that is missing him and pines for more contact but I have to realise what he wants and enjoys is more important than what I want. Its a tough one, I can tell you but he would hate it if i took him away from his boarding school, he absolutely loves it. x

Ah I see what you mean Tenalady, given his age and what sounds like a very hectic routine he has a much earlier bedtime than my DS. I would maybe speak to the matron though since she is the keeper of the phone to see if she could prompt him to make a quick call before bed or something. Skype ( if you haven't used it before) is free to download then you just find your contact via email address/chosen Skype name and you can "chat" typing messages to each other. Works really well for us as DS is allowed to have it on in the prep room once he has finished prep. Glad that he is enjoying his school- I love choral singing so maybe I will hear him one day!!

Skype is great but just to let you know not all school let DCs have it on their own laptops and most don't allow picture and speech as it uses too much bandwidth. At my DSs school they have Skype available at a certain time in the computer room (this is not satisfactory imo) Of course if you have a dongle or an iPhone you can get around this problem - we don't!
Does your school have a phoning time in the evening? At a prep school I know they had a specific time for parents to call for each year group. The phones would be in the dorms and you were allowed a maximum of 3 mins. Of course you could phone for longer at other times but this seemed to work well. It might be worth asking.

Tenelady, same here - it was DS's choice to board. He wants to go on to a top UK school and he loves boarding. He enjoys work, loves the sport, and was the kind of child that after he had finished his day would ask, "what can I do?". At boarding school, there is always something going on.

I have made it clear that if at any stage he wants to go to a day school near to our home we can change. Meanwhile, it is me that misses him!

The practical suggestions I got here, as well as some on older threads, were useful, and it is nice to know of others in a similar situation.