how not to be a helicopter mum

[kissafrog]

I want to start a blog on this subject - anyone wants to join me?

I don't have much to add at this point but am very interested. I was recently having a chat with one of my New York friends who grew up in Miami and she attributes her inability to make decisions for herself to the fact that her mum was a helicopter mum. Even though she is married now and doesn't look to her mum to make her decisions anymore, her husband has kindly stepped in to the role as she can't make even the simplest of decisions (seriously...DH, what should I wear today? DH, what should I order for dinner?) on her own.

Anyhow, I can see how it is easy to fall into this pattern as a mum so how can we help our child grow into their best person without allowing them to stumble and fall from time to time?

I think it can be chicken-and-egg though harlowqueen. I certainly don't think of myself as a helicopter parent, too busy trying to have a career and a life etc, but I find myself helicoptering my daffy forgetful 11yo far more than I'd have expected, and I don't to my younger two who are more capable of sorting themselves out.

And when I don't helicopter her I get calls from school and all sorts of places pointing out what my dd has not done now, which is tedious.

Don't get me wrong Fennel, I am just as guilty as the next person of doing it too, although my dd is only 5. I can only hope that my intervening now will help lay the foundation for instilling a sense of responsibility and discipline in my DD, however I am not convinced that my methods are working!

So maybe the question is how do we raise confident, responsible children who don't need us to constantly swoop in and save them, but also recognise, as parents, when it is okay to let them fail if they are going to learn a good lesson?

I have a teenager so I totally understand Fennel's point of view. However my experience tells me I stepped in too much and therefore in the end my DD wil always rely on me to step in, to bring things back to school if she forgets something or to buy flour for cookery lesson the morning she needs in...the list goes on...and I think in the end it does not train her to think and plan for herself. In the end I told the school if she forgets something please give her detention (which in my DD's eyes is a serious and shameful thing) and she learns very quickly not to be late to school and get herself organised. If she forgets things she will have to frantically borrow from her friends....finally after months and months of trial and error she now writes on her wipeboard every night before she goes to bed the things she needs to bring to school and she has improved quite a lot. Still not perfect as forgetfulness is her personality but she can still make adjustment. However in the past I will just do everything because i cannot bare it. I will tidy up her room because it is so messy...which again she will not appreciate it and she will not learn to do anything.... I read a really good book once and it basically said one of the first lesson for parents is to NOT interfere with nature... let them learn the consequence of actions... if they forget things they will have to take whatever the consequences otherwise they will never learn and we are not doing them any favour. Most of the time we have to work on ourselves to stop making things perfect for them. It is not easy but it is important to let children learn to make mistakes safely when they are young to prevent them from making HUGE mistakes when they are adults if they are out of practice. hope this is helpful.

I agree with Kissafrog. You have to let them take responsability of their acctions. I started when DD1 was in Y4. It was more at the suggestion of their teacher.She is now in Y6 and very responsible of what she needs for school. And we don't have any of "you didn't remind me" Now, DD2 has that same teahcer even thougth she is just in Y2 and it's the kids responsability that homework is done. Excuses like "mum didn't make me do it " are not allowed.
In my opinion you have to let your kids "fail" and take the "punisment".