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My son isn't going to like this one bit.....

19 replies

Tigermoth · 13/11/2001 12:59

Right, here's the situation. My 7 year old son has been on the waiting list of a nearby school for 18 months. A few weeks ago they phoned me to say they think they have a vacancy coming up in his year. Now they have just asked if dh, ds and I go to see the headmaster on Friday morning, with a view to this vacancy.

The school is a small CofE Church school with good Ofstead reports and results. Class sizes are small - just over 20 pupils (very rare in SE London) - and it is heavily oversubscribed. My son is already a member of a Beaver troup based at the school, and goes to the Sunday school there, so he knows many children there. So far so good.

However, if we move him, it will be his third primary school move and he says he is happy at his present state primary and doesn't want to go to this school - and hates the church bit. Last week he told my husband that the boys in his Beaver troup told him they didn't want him in their class, and he seemed very subdued. However, whenever I see him with the boys they always seem to play happily together. It is possible my son is embroidering the truth to convince us to let him stay where he is. We are going to discuss the mater with his beaver leader, but even it there is no truth in it, it shows our son unhappy about the move.

I feel the new school might meet my son's educational needs more effectively than his present school. According to his teacher, (and other teachers have said this before) he has difficulty concentrating in class, and while his general behaviour is not a major problem, his inattentiveness is: we have just had to stop him from attending swimming lessons for two weeks because the teacher said he was putting himself in danger by not doing what he was told. He is fairly clever, his hearing has been checked ad infinitum, but he is reluctant listen to instructions, finish work or work alone. There is also a problem with playfighting and playground bullying at my son's present school. He is coping ok, not a bully or a victim, but tells me some pretty scary stories.

For these reasons I feel a smaller class in a smaller school would be good for him. But I know he will, initailly at least, be unhappy with this move - and I know it won't take much to make him rebel.

Advice please!

OP posts:
Rhiannon · 13/11/2001 17:44

Tigermoth, are you sure you're talking about your son not mine?!

I have the same problems you describe with mine, it has come to a head at school recently as I have been told that he is a "bully". Nightmare situation as you can imagine.

My son is in a class of 9, he is easily led, distracted and can be a complete PITA. He is a bright boy and over achieving academically. I took him out of the state system as I knew he would drown in a class of 30 as he needs more attention than an average child due to his behaviour. In your situation I would jump at the chance of reducing the class size for him, as long as there is no danger of the new school increasing class sizes.

Debster · 13/11/2001 19:07

A primary teacher friend of mine tells me that apparently children suffer more educationally when they are moved around alot during their early school years than if they stayed in one not so 'good' school.

I think you need to be absolutely sure that a move is the right thing to do for your son and not because you want him to go to a so-called good school. Not that I'm implying you wouldn't be.

Not much help I know but just my thoughts.

Suedonim · 13/11/2001 19:32

Moving schools was the best thing that ever happened to my daughter. She flourished in her new small school, where she had been lost in the crowd at her previous one. My son moved schools three times and hasn't suffered from it at all.

You son, Tigermoth, may be unhappy at the thought of moving, but it could just be fear of the unknown. Most adults are jittery about new situations, such as a job change, so it's understandable he's worried. Other things to consider are your deep-down thoughts about the new school, its atmosphere and whether it feels right for your son. Good luck with your decision!

Chanelno5 · 13/11/2001 20:03

Hi Tigermoth - Just to complicate things further, I'm going to say the opposite of what Debster has just said, although this is based on my experiences with my ds, so obviously every child reacts differently. My ds (aged 5) recently started reception at a different school to the one where he spent his nursery year. A few months prior to this, he had changed from a different nursery class at a different school as we moved to a different part of the country due to dh's job. Confused yet? Anyway, like you, I was facing a big dilemma. On the one hand, he had just been through the upheaval of one move and seemed to have settled and be progressing well in his new nursery class' but on the otherhand, the other school which had offered him a reception place was generally thought to be the 'better' school. Also, the majority of children living in our immediate neighbourhood also attended this other school. After a few sleepless nights, I went with my 'gut instinct' and accepted the place at the other school. Even then, I was 100% sure that I was doing the right thing, especially when ds told me that he was worried that he wouldn't make any friends at his new school, and also because the school he was presently attending was a pretty good school aswell. Anyway, we went for it and quite honestly haven't looked back since, it really has been the making of him (and me!). He is really happy, has made lots of new friends and is progressing really well. He's no angel, make no mistake from what I'm saying (but that's another story!), but I think because he is so settled and confident in his new school, his general behaviour and concentration have really improved too. From reading your post, Tigermoth, I really feel that your 'gut instinct' is to go for it (as mine was), but you just need someone to say it to you. I would say, that if you like the school after your visit on Friday, and think that your ds would be happy there (and, indeed that ds likes it too!), then go with your instincts and accept the place. There's no doubt that smaller class sizes are better for pupils and would be especially good for your son. I know that it would be another move for your ds, but it just might turn out to be the best thing that you could do for him, like it was for mine. Whatever you decide, I'm sure that you will make the right decision. Good luck!

Batters · 13/11/2001 21:35

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Robinw · 14/11/2001 06:29

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Robinw · 14/11/2001 06:35

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Tigermoth · 14/11/2001 18:04

Thanks all! I'm glad there is such a range of different views and suggestions. One of Mumsnet's great strengths, I think. It's frightening how dependent you can become on an internet site - or should I say a virtual mother's network.

Your comments will definitely help me formulate my questions to the school's head on Friday. I have spent my internet time today looking up the new school's ofsted report and contrasting it with his present school. That has helped clarify things, too. The new school seems to have strengths in the areas most needed by my son.

Since I last posted, I have quizzed my son about feeling an outcast at the Beaver troup. He says only one boy told him he didn't want my son in his class, and he has four friends there - all in the same year as him. So that is one problem out of the window.

Rhiannon, Yes, our sons seem uncannily alike. What is a PITA, please? Like you, I feel my son is drowning in a large class. If he is asking for the teacher's attention so much, the chances are he's not getting enough of it. Not that I think bad teaching is solely to blame for my son's inattentiveness - other pupils manage to work quietly.

Debster,thanks for your warning. The prospect of further unsettling a boy who isn't the most settled of pupils has me worried, too. Furthermore, I have not yet been shown round the school, or met any teachers, so I don't know what we are letting ourselves in for. The school doesn't allow random visits from the parents of prospective pupils, unless a definite place for them is coming up. So many local children want to go there, I get the impression the school selects you, not visa versa.

I think, as Sudonim and ChanelNo5 have said, that I need to consider my deep down thoughts about the school and whether it feels right. Hopefully I'll be clearer about this after Friday, though we only have a half-hour time slot. If possible, and if this process is leading to the offer of a place, I want to make another, longer, visit without my son and talk at greater length with his prospective form teacher.

Chanelno5, thanks for telling me about your first-hand experiece of this. As you rightly guess, I am veering in the new school direction, but I do not want to go down that route unless I've considered every possible thing.

Batters, you've hit the nail on the head. I am not totally convinced that my concern over my son's poor concentration will be addressed by a change of school. Having read the ofsted report, I am encouraged that the teaching seems to be very good in this respect. However, I think that my son needs to be allergy tested next, and possibly, if that bears no fruit, to see an educational psychologist, too. It's so frustrating, because his general behaviour, especially at home, is improving all the time - he's a pretty good boy with me most of the time. Anyway, expect more postings and questions about this on the site very soon! If my son changes schools, obviously, I'll need to let him have time to settle in. Don't want to overload him with school changes and appointments with psychologists all at once.

RobinW, I think it's very true that I'll have to make a great effort to reinforce school bonds. It's going to mean me joining the PTA, taking some holiday from work to help at daytime school events etc. Unless the parents get to know me a little, my son may not get invites back to tea and holiday play dates. I think you are right to say friendships are more difficult to make if everyone has paired up already. I will have to do my bit. Thanks for reassuring my about the church aspect, too. I will pass on this news to my son.

Must go - have children to collect!

Thanks again. Any more advice very welcome!

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Mooma · 14/11/2001 20:23

Tigermoth, PITA had me guessing too, and then it came to me...pain in the a**e!
Good luck with whatever you decide. I think we know our children better than anyone, but it's hard to take a risk when it's their happiness at stake. Speaking for myself, two of my children moved schools this year at my instigation, and it has been a great improvement for both, educationally and socially. They are themselves again.

Lisav · 14/11/2001 21:06

As a child I moved around a lot as my mum used to buy and sell houses like it was her hobby. I went to 3 primary schools and 2 secondary schools and I hated every single move.
It lowered my self confidence, I made no lasting friends and my work suffered. It's no fun being the new kid, believe me.

My advice would be to let your son stay where he is happiest. If he is happy in a school he will do well there, but if he is unhappy, no matter how good the school, he will not do well. I really would listen to your son, he sounds desperate to stay in his old school. Plus, if there is bullying going on, the teachers may not have noticed, especially if the bullying is psychological, they may be his friends one minute and then decide not to be. Most bullies only pick on their victims when no-one else is around.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Chanelno5 · 15/11/2001 10:01

I agree Lisav, it isn't alot of fun being the new kid. My ds was happy at his old school and reluctant about moving, as I too was reluctant about unsettling him again by another move. However, as I've previously said, we went for it and it was the best thing that we could have done for him. He is very happy and settled, and progressing very well. He has also made lots of new friends, despite the fact that many of the other children already knew each other well. The point I am making is that if you don't try something new, you'll never know what it's like. Yes, my son was happy at his old school, but he is even happier at his new school. I'm not so naive as to thing that it would be the same in everyone else's situation, but it's nice to know that it can work. From what you are saying Tigermoth, it's obvious that you are putting your son's happiness and wellbeing first, and therefore not making any rash decisions either way. Good Luck with the school visit today.

Rhiannon · 15/11/2001 11:55

Sorry, yes you're right. When I worked in the dentist we used to write PITA on the cards of the most annoying patients!

Tigermoth · 15/11/2001 14:10

Actually, thinking about it, LisaV, I moved around a fair bit too, going to three primary schools. I, too, found it hard to make strong friendships at the new school and maintian the friendships I made at the old schools - as a child it was rather out of my hands, I was dependent on my parents making sure so-and-so was invited to tea etc. However, I had lots of out-of-school friends so didn't feel lonely, and being a little detached from the social intricacies of my class was, in a way, quite confidence-building. However it's difficult to draw parallels with my son. I was a very different 7-year old. My problem was reticence in class. His is quite the opposite.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I'll have to be proactive in helping my son settle in and make firm friends out of classroom acquaintances, so I'll have to be involved in the school and make a real effort to get to know other parents.

As for bullying, I think my son has more in that line to contend with at his present school - but as the new child, he will be extra-vulnerable. So it's swings and roundabouts. I will definitely be asking the head on Friday about the school's anti bullying policy.

PITA, thanks Mooma- so now I know.

Thanks, everyone for all the positive stories about changing schools.

Incidently, if my oldest goes to this school, the sibling rule will, of course, mean my youngest will be quite likely to get a place in the reception class - another factor to consider.

Any more advice welcome. Any good questions to ask the head at our meeting tomorrow?

I'll let you know how we get on.

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Chanelno5 · 15/11/2001 16:37

Whoops - your school visit is tomorrow and I wished you luck for today. For some mad reason I was thinking that it's Friday today (wishful thinking, of course!). Anyway, Good Luck for tomorrow, Tigermoth!

Tigermoth · 16/11/2001 13:57

Well, we went to the meeting this morning. It lasted a lot longer than half an hour - we asked quite a few questions - and we were shown round the school by the head. Our son found about half a dozen pupils he knew to say hello to, so that was good.

A quick summing up of it all: impressive but a little daunting: lots of talk of high expectations, correct uniform, good behavour at all times etc etc

Half way through the meeting the head said there was a place for ds - could he start on Monday!!That came as a great shock.

We asked if we could talk to ds at home and then confirm. Ds was touchingly ok about it, liked the school, though of course, apprehensive about the change. Luckily his best friend at school goes to his after school play club. He will continue to attend this, so they will be able to keep closely in touch.

I want ds to leave his present school in less of a rush - goodbyes are important - I feel he needs time to say goodbye and adjust to the idea of moving, so he will be attending his old school for one more week. And as we're not moving area, (in fact the schools are only a 5 minute drive away from each other) he will still see lots of his old classmates locally, and more so, as he gets the stage where he can play out over a wider area.

Hope, hope, hope, it's all for the best!

Thanks again, everyone, for your input.

OP posts:
Suedonim · 16/11/2001 14:06

It sounds like a successful visit all round, Tigermoth! The high expectations do sound daunting, but I guess it means they will also want to do their best for your son. I hope he has a wonderful time there.

Batters · 16/11/2001 14:32

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chanelno5 · 16/11/2001 15:41

Sound great, Tigermoth. Good Luck to your son at his new school, I'm sure he'll be very happy.

Robinw · 17/11/2001 06:22

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