Do you have a daughter starting Boarding at Senior school this year?

[SparkleSoiree]

DH and I are considering allowing our DD(11) to begin boarding in September at a girls school. DD has expressed an interest in this and I was always against it thinking she may not cope emotionally (translated I would constantly worry) but a few things have come to mind after thinking it over and I think we now have to give it serious consideration.

The school is just under an hour from our home but we will be flying out to Australia soon to live for 3-5 years with DH's work. This is where my concern comes in. Grandma and Nanny/Grandad will be here for her to spend weekends with but we would want her to be with us during holidays etc which would mean a lot of long distance flying for her in the year. This would equate to around 15 weeks a year with us. She already does quite a bit of flying with us through the year visiting family across the country so is used to travelling but not long distance. Our preference is take take her with us but she has asked us to consider boarding for her as we will be returning to the UK within 3-5 years and she doesn't want to come really and lose her life here for that period of time. I want to bring her with us to Australia and will do if after all consideration it is best for DD but I feel we ought to give her wishes some thought in relation to this.

Does anyone have any experience of similar situations? If so what were the pitfalls for your child, how did/do they cope and although every situation is unique do you regret your decision? We just want what is best for DD and she has agreed that she will come with us if we believe boarding is not for her but she just wants to know we have seriously considered her request.

So now I am looking for your boarding experiences - please!

a few kids who board at my daughter's school are looked after by grandparents and I always feel really sorry for them.

I would take her with you, it is the chance for you all to experience something that is life changing. My dd who is 18 went off to uni in September she is very independant and had family nearby if she wanted them but it is not the same as mum and dad. We make sure we see her every 6 weeks she loves her new life but does miss us and home. We are around seven hours away from her but I could not imagine being on the other side of the planet! But that is just me.

What if she wins something? What if she wins a cup or award and has to go up in assembly and get it? I couldn't bear not to be able to be there.

I'm a peripatetic expat mother of boarders who board successfully. My two pennyworth is that 11 is too young and 13 is the youngest age I would ever consider it. They still need you a lot and Australia is just too far to make journeys other than at main holiday times. This will matter a great deal and is likely to cause you both distress.

There are fabulous schools in Australia, so no good reason to choose to stay in the UK for education and it seems an awful shame for your daughter to miss out on the family adventure and all that Australia has to offer to stay in a boarding house being brought up by a housemistress and her friends from the age of 11. I have lived in Australia with children. It beats boarding school, however great the school, honestly!

Postings rarely last the length of time you expect them to. Take her with you and if she feels the same at 13, send her then. The comments about yo- yo mums are true - your heart will always be in two places - not conducive to a settled or happy life at all. She wants to stay because she is scared of moving, but she will settle fine. She should not be given the choice at this tender age. Take charge of her and let her know that you will help her to settle and make friends. Good luck.

I boarded from 11 a very long way away from home (but within the UK). My parents moved house at the same time I went away to school. This meant that I had no "home" friends or ties of any kind where my parents lived. Your daughter will no doubt enjoy the boarding experience (as I did!) but not having any local connections or ffiends in the holidays is a massive thing especially in the teenage years and I see now quite how much I missed out on as a result. UNless you are confident that she would be able to make and keep relationships going in Australia while she is away then I would say take her with you - it will be a fabulous experience for the whole family!

WOW - ok. Thank you for all your responses, I really appreciate it.

The intention was to always to take DD with us. However we had already embarked upon the admission process for a particular school when we found out we were moving to Perth in Australia. We will be flying out there in February. DD has always been against Australia although we have initially ignored it then tried to counsel her and assumed she would eventually come round. The school we had preferred is a full boarding school although I am still waiting for them to respond to my initial questions about overseas boarders so I am not yet 100% of their capability and experience.

We are not leaving the decision up to DD and we do love our daughter as much as anyone else however she is very independent, bright and knows her own mind and in keeping with allowing her a voice in our family we have to give her request consideration even if we don't want her to go.

There are quite a number of things raised here that I had not considered which is why I asked for experiences from people who could offer some perspective for me. The issue of not being able to get there quickly in an emergency or being able to watch certain events is sitting in my mind. Flights and traffic issues is another I hadn't considered. I feel I will be anxious being so far from her. We are in Surrey and although one grandparent is very close and the other grandparents are a 3hr drive away there are lots of other family in the area. However I don't feel comfortable about grandparents taking on 'our' role - just feels weird.

My initial enquiries into certain schools in the Perth area is that they are full. One in particular has a three year waiting list. I need to do more research this week to find viable options to see what the comparison would be.

My daughter's happiness and welfare is my ultimate concern and my eldest never boarded so this is a first for us all and we feel a bit overwhelmed with everything that has been happening recently in terms of getting ready to move. So when DD asks us to give her request serious consideration I have to do what I say I will do and think it all through properly so I can have all my reasoning to hand when we sit and have the discussion.

Thanks everyone.

Honestly, however bright and independent she is, there is no way she can know her own mind in a case like this. I am a great believer in family democracy, but in this case I think you really need to decide for her and take her with you.

Just put her into care. Much cheaper.

Has she tried boarding yet? My 2 DS's are 14 & 11 they are day boys but in a school which also has boarding, we chose this because we have lived overseas before and whilst the experience of living overseas for them was amazing as they get older if we ever did it again I would board them just to give them continuity of education especially with exams. Interestingly the school has flexi-boarding which both mine have done when we've had to attend something like a wedding. 11 year old was so excited about boarding but said to me he wouldn't want to do it full time until he was in the upper school (13) because they do treat the younger ones differently. Eldest absolutely loved it because of the freedom i.e could go to the gym, into town etc. So for what its worth if I was moving overseas now I'd take the 11yr with me and board the 13yr old.

I was incredibly independent and bright at 11, and my (single parent) mum worked away a great deal from me being 9. In the end she decided it was better for me to go to boarding school at 11, and although I was initially sold on the idea I hated it once I got there, but by then it was too late. I had to board until I was 16, and felt like a stranger whenever I came home, despite my mum never having moved. The school was a day school with boarders, so there was no structured weekend or after school routine, and as a result we used to so all sorts of silly things out of boredom. In the end I left school and got my own flat after GCSE's. If you have a close relationship with her this will deteriorate, even if she is enjoying school and you keep up contact, and she will need you emotionally for a little while longer (even if she won't admit to this!).

I agree with the posters that say find an Aussie boarding school if she is dead set on it, or send her at 13. 11 is too young IMO.

"DD has always been against Australia"
It would appear from your last posting that your daughters does not want to go to Australia and that she sees boarding school as a way out of this problem. I don't believe that boarding is the solution to this and I would like to think that any decent head would say the same (although in the current financial situation I doubt it).
I don't know how old the grandparents are but my DC's are all in their 80's and I don't think as lovely as they would be suitable to take that level of responsibility for a teenager with all its ups and downs and what would you do if the one closest became ill?
Boarding is also not a glorified holiday camp if it is a proper full boarding school and if its one of the big names with fab results then your daughter will be excepted to work exceedingly hard, significantly harder than her contemporaries in the state sector and than she's ever worked at a prep. There will also be wall to wall activities which she will be expected to participate in. My DS after 6 years of boarding and used to such things was absolutely exhausted at the end of this term therefore time away from school needs to be a balance of enough rest and seeing friends. When my DS comes home he wants to spend time in is own house/bedroom/bed with his things not the spare room of a relative/friend this particularly applies to shorter breaks exeats half terms etc.
You say that there are no schools but I just don't believe this. Perth is a big city and there must be a vacancy somewhere after all you are not struggling with language barriers or third world standard education.

I boarded from twelve- and my parents were nearly as far as Aus.
I went back for 2 out of the 3 holidays- and my parents took a holiday rental nearby for the 3rd.

I didn't have grandparents nearby, but some of my parent's friends were my guardians. I was always warmly welcomed for weekends/half terms. As I got older, I went to friends houses. Again, warmly welcomed! In return, friends would come with me to my family house for holidays. The weekends were highly structured at the school I was at- I cannot say I was ever bored, or particularly home sick.

I have a great relationship with my parents. I never felt like a visitor in my parent's house.

I had the time of my life- it was great for me- and academically I flourished. I cried a couple of times during my first week (and to be fair it was a 'new' school for me)- but after that I was genuinely having a great time.

I'd give it a short trial- and see how you, and your daughter get on. If it doesn't work, change it. It could potentially be great for her!

The alternative would be to find her a great school in Aus, that she could chose to board in for her remaining years once you left?

If it is Perth then please look up websites for the Methodist Ladies' College (MLC) and the Presbytarian Ladies' college (PLC) A;lso St Mary's (I think) but that one more traditional. Fantastic schools if you can get in.

Here is a wacky idea. How about looking into some of the well known schools that have opened 'franchised' versions of their schools in the far and middle east. I know Marlborough are opening a school near Singapore in the autumn. Don't know anything about these institutions other than they are a bit closer. However, if she is struggling with the culture shock of moving to Australia I think she would find the far east a step too far.
Curious to know whether she has actually been to Australia. Wondering why she is so anti the idea, other than just fear of the unknown. I think she has a valid concern that if you come back when she is 15/16 that could disrupt her education. However, life never quite works out how you plan it. You may be back in 2 years or never!

Sorry to disagree with a helpful idea, but don't bother with a franchise until they are well and truly proven. (can't think of any that are just now)

I am staggered that a parent could even consider this. How on earth would you feel if your child had a serious illness or just wanted a hug and you were on the other side of the world? I've seen some crazy things on Mumsnet but that is truly shocking.

"How on earth would you feel if your child had a serious illness or just wanted a hug"
Anyone who sends their children to boarding school has these problems if my DS rung tonight unhappy I wouldn't rush over to see him but would talk to both him and his housemaster and try and resolve it without necessarily going to school. If he was very ill I obviously would go but a couple of years ago he had swine flu, he has very bad asthma, everyone was exceedingly concerned but I couldn't go immediately to get him although I was in close contact with the school.
Having said this I do think Aus is too far away.

Thank you everyone for your input. It has helped us greatly fill in some blanks to our questions. We are still leaning towards bringing her with us at this point.

I'm a nurse in a boarding school. We have a lot of overseas boarders, but the furthest they come from is the far east. Australia is too far.

Having made many phone calls to tell parents that their child has broken a limb, needs surgery etc and heard how frantic they are to be with them...and how desperate the children are to have their parents there is heartbreaking.

Imagine being 2days away from your child? Please don't do it...your dd is only 11, too young to make such a huge decision.

I think one of your challenges might be finding a real FULL boarding school. So many have gone flexi that your daughter risks being left at the weekend solely with the Chinese and Nigerian contingent (these are the two pools many girls's schools are tapping to boost boarding the the face of the boys' school onslaught). You need somewhere where everyone stays at the non-exeat weekends so that there is a genuinely full range of activities and she is not left feeling orphaned. It was easier when when we were young (cue soulful music) as boarding was less flexible.
It is a really hard decision. I boarded from year 6 and it happened my parents were in Canada when I started. The flights (obviously much shorter!) were fine, but I think it nearly killed my mother. She sobbed every time we went back (Army family, so no had to board).
I would really think about taking her and looking at 13+ entry. That way she would get the wonderful experience of living and learning abroad for a while, and if you researched what would be needed for entry (and I think previous posters are right - entry requirements are often tweaked from abroad) you could stay on top of it at home. It would also open up the option of the formerly boys' boarding schools which could make finding a full weekend programme easier.

Good luck!

I teach in a school with a lot of boarders and we have several children aged 12 and under with parents abroad. Some are from that country themselves and some just have parents working or posted out there.

Off the top of my head we have or have had parents in Russia, China, Japan, the Bahamas, UAE, the Falklands, USA, Nigeria, Spain and Germany. But nowhere quite as far as Australia. Our boarders have a great time and, bar initial homesickness, seem very happy. But I would hesitate when it is such a great distance. You just never know what could happen or when you could be needed.

The worst examples I can think of are:
long before I started teaching here, there were two American brothers whose parents both worked in the twin towers. On 9/11 it so happened that they had taken the day off - but they weren't able to contact school to say they were ok for a whole day.
one of our international boarders had a parent die, very unexpectedly. They had to be collected from school in the middle of the night, just being told that the parent was very sick (they were actually already dead :()

Not trying to scare you and I'm by no means anti boarding. I just think that such a long way at such a young age could be too big a risk.

I teach in a school with a lot of boarders and we have several children aged 12 and under with parents abroad. Some are from that country themselves and some just have parents working or posted out there.

Off the top of my head we have or have had parents in Russia, China, Japan, the Bahamas, UAE, the Falklands, USA, Nigeria, Spain and Germany. But nowhere quite as far as Australia. Our boarders have a great time and, bar initial homesickness, seem very happy. But I would hesitate when it is such a great distance. You just never know what could happen or when you could be needed.

The worst examples I can think of are:
long before I started teaching here, there were two American brothers whose parents both worked in the twin towers. On 9/11 it so happened that they had taken the day off - but they weren't able to contact school to say they were ok for a whole day.
one of our international boarders had a parent die, very unexpectedly. They had to be collected from school in the middle of the night, just being told that the parent was very sick (they were actually already dead :()

Not trying to scare you and I'm by no means anti boarding. I just think that such a long way at such a young age could be too big a risk.

You've got a boarding school nurser and a teacher from a boarding school telling you not to do it - I think you need to listen to them. Eleven is very young to give your child such a decision to make.

I have 2 DCs at boarding school ( aged 16 and 13) ( both just done first term) and they now love it, But first term they really needed us around to nip down for lunch ( they are each 1.5 hours away at different schools)/matches etc . Now they are more settled they are too busy! But I think 11 is way too young to cope with that distance- take her with you for a couple of years and see how she feels. If you and she then feel the UK is manageable at 13 there are more options for schools with many international pupils who are useful travelling companions and who also don't empty out at weekends or even in DDs case exeats which are optional. She will also then have found friends to "go home to" in Oz for the holidays.

Just to be very clear this is not DD's decision, it is OUR decision and I would never allow any of my children to make such a huge decision at this point in their lives on their own.

The idea of boarding came about because we are going to Australia and not because we wanted to DD to board wherever we were. Our original intention was to bring her with us and it was DD who asked us to consider boarding on her behalf and she said that whatever we decided she would go with but she wanted to know that we had seriously considered it for her.

This week her offer letters have come in and after visiting several schools, speaking to people with personal experience, reading the posts on here and applying it all to our DD with her needs/wants/personality we have decided she will come with us. I don't feel her age is an issue but I do feel the distance and travelling time is a problem for her and ourselves. She is very independent and is ready for some more freedom despite being only 11 but if we need to get to her quickly two days is far too long to get to her even though grandparents would be there.

We have given her our decision and talked it through with her and she understand and appreciates our concerns. She says she feels better about coming with us now as she feels we have listened to her and considered her feelings. She is nervous about starting a new school in a different country but I know she will relish the challenge and make new friends.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply - it has been valuable to us.