advice from parents whose dc's attend private school

[freakazoidroid]

New thread my other has been hijacked!

please see my other thread "parents from private schools" in education for my original question.

Advice from parents whose DC's what attend private school?

I think the atmosphere of an indie school probably depends hugely on where you are, so its hard to say what they will be like. But my ds is at a private pre prep/prep (junior school of a 2 - 18 foundation) which is very friendly and not particularly posh. Quite a lot of Land Rovers in the car park, but thats the sort of area we are in, and most are muddy. No one super rich afaik, and judging from ds's class 'what I did on my holidays' display, nothing outrageous in those stakes either.

At the small pre prep my dc attends there are all sorts of people - v friendly - in fact we all went out for dinner last night at the local italian. Don't worry about it!

Schools vary so much that it would be hard to make a generalisation. In my own experience (as a parent in 3 private schools to date), if you manage to do either drop off or pick-up, and are willing to turn up to "events", then there is plenty of scope to socialise, and feel part of the community. All 3 schools have parent reps for each class/year who organise a couple of social events for parents each term, as well as maintaining a contact list of parents and children. Yes, there are a whole range of personal financial circumstances, but the only "judging" tends to be on how well the children get on with each other ie a parent is far more likely to be judged by having a bratty child than by not having the latest handbag. Typically those with larger houses do end up with more of the hosting, but everyone mucks in. I did have to smirk when a particularly loaded friend of mine referred to herself (and me) as being poor, but then everyone knows someone who is better off. If you're at the schoolgate then you'll probably find some people with whom you click with, and others with whom you have less in common - no different from state school there. The parents with whom I feel less close are those who rely on before and after school care, so aren't around as much. Equally the parents I spend most time with have sons in the same rugby team so lots of time to chat on the touchline etc.

I have attended numerous functions at my DC's schools both prep and senior the vast majority of our parents are very wealthy and we're not by their standards. Most people are friendly particularly if you smiley and friendly. With regard to socialising outside of school events I have found that you get invited to friends of your DC's for lunch say when dropping them off and often a group meet up for coffee before the end of tern etc. What you find in the rest of life applies to school parents some are lovely some ghastly some brash some interesting some reserved some you don't get on with some you hit it off with immediately how much money you are they have does not effect these things.
Dont worry about your children at his prep my DC's best friend parents were on the Sunday Times rich list and my other DC's best friends parents were the much despised on MN Russian Oligarchs and a heridary peer. All the children came to our house and stayed the weekend/parents came for lunch etc. regularly and and vice versa. I'm sorry to disappoint many who posted on your previous posting the children and the parents in all cases were very normal and friendly. Not once did we feel they were looking down there noses at us.

I'm a childminder and so is my DH. We are definately not rich :)

We tried the state sector. DS is gifted. He had a miserable time at his state infant school because they couldn't cope with him and we were in despair. One of the parents suggested we try the local prep. I was very worried when I saw the schools they send their children on to, Eton and Winchester featured rather prominently and that was just so far out of my comfort zone it blew my mind! I just couldn't see DS at any of those schools and I couldn't even begin to imagine myself as a parent there.

The headmaster was a lovely man. He reassured us, encouraged us to tell him all about DS, showed us round the school and generally treated us exactly as though we were fee-paying parents. He has never changed from that attitude and nor have his staff.

The parents, too, are friendly, chatty, and couldn't care less about how much money we had. We live on a council estate. All the parents know it because they've seen the address lists. It's never made a difference at all. They happily send their kids to us for sleep-overs, parties, playdates. They willingly have DS back to their homes. I did have a shock that first term when I read the address list and realised that the mum I'd been laughing and joking with most of the term was Lady someone-or-other but she quite plainly didn't bother about it so neither did I and yes, she does have a clapped-out old banger she drives around.

I am a private school parent - have children in three private schools and am a former parent of a fourth.

Please don't worry. There are plenty of people just like you. You will make friends and be included if that's what you want.

We are on the lower echelons and feel very welcome and valued. Our children are invited to sleepovers and no one expects anything in return. I find the 'rich' extremely generous, and have never felt that I need to match them (if I could).

It is funny that some of the richer kids are envious of us. We live in a town centre location where my kids can walk to the cinema, shops, catch a train to London. They are stuck in their palaces in the middle of nowhere and need to get their parents to drive them to everything. They envy the freedom that my kids have.

I have one at each type of school and I'll be honest I feel much more at home in the playground of the state school. But I'm a chippy northener so it's probably my fault and I tell myself it's not about who I get on with - it's about whether the kids feel like they belong... and both of them have taken possession of 'their' respective school. Unless there's some other problem most kids just get on with it.

Mine went to private schools and due to house moves have been to 3 different ones. All have been fine and now the DCs are older we are still friendly with parents from the last 2 schools (first one is not in easy travelling distance so tend not to see them although still get Christmas cards)

We met some lovely people and some not so lovely ones, just the same as in any school

Nice one freak. Hope this one doesn't get taken over. I also posted on the other thread but then gave up. My older dd is in reception of a lovely girls' school and has had a great first term. We started her there in the nursery class because she had huge problems in her old nursery due to having glue ear. Her hearing was poor, her speech delayed, and she could not cope with the background noise of a large nursery class with no apparent structure to the day. She has really blossomed in the last 16 months and is a chatty, happy, more confident little thing and it has been worth every penny. The parents I have spoken to have all been really nice and a few are becoming friends. Interestingly the ones who are actually rich are the most normal people, with one of two 'new rich' being a bit snobby.
It really depends on the school and like I said on the other thread, if you dd is happy at nursery at her school there is every chance she will be fine in reception

Jajas - I agree regarding the chip.

I am also a Northerner from a very working class background (as KATTT says above somewhere) and I do often stop and ask myself if the reason I don't automatically get on with everybody is because I have chips on my shoulder. (DH is from a far more privileged background and gets on fine with everybody)

Similarly, my DS has friends from one extreme to the other.

As I said originally on the other, hijacked thread, I haven't found it that easy to make many good friends, and to be very very honest, I do find a fair proportion of the other mums very shallow and insincere. But that applies to most other parts of my life too (work, hobbies etc). So maybe I am the one with the problem

Early days for us. Some people friendly, some friendly only if they want something (eg their DC needs to make friends, they need info on school choices), some aloof, some unfriendly (eg in a circle having conversation, will keep backs turned to someone on their own stood next to them, reading in car every day rather than chatting unless they see someone they know, not saying hello)

Some I never see cos of their / my working patterns.

Our childminder does pick-ups often, no-one speaks to her and she's had a couple of awkward incidents, dislikes doing pick-up.

Lots of awful, inconsiderate parking and no apologies, eg for boxing you in, making it impossible to get to / fromschool gates with buggy.

Tbh, it's one of my main reservations about continuing with independent education, eg likely that the parents' attitudes (eg "I am more important than all of you") will rub off on their DC.

But IME the nearby "outstanding" tiny catchment primary seems just as bad, with added tensions due to people stressing about getting in / where to go next.

There is no single thing as "private schools", hence no single experience. I would look closely at specific schools and try and get a feel for the vibe there. And understand the market: why do people want to go to that school and what is its constituency, for example. Does it have a "swank factor". Ask the head when you look round - although your question needs to be creatively phrased, along the lines of "one of my concerns is that the social demograhic is not very wide" because you will not really get a worthwhile answer to the question "are some of the parents snotty cows".

We live in an area famed for its iffy state schools, so (and I know this becomes a vicious circle and unfortunately one that I am perpetuating) we have a lot of private options. My dcs go to a small local private school which effectively is the type of schooling you would get in an excellent state school. It isn't one of the schools that people aspire to go to because it implies status or has leafy grounds and the children don't wear boaters or knickerbockers - and of course that drives or influences the demographic of the school a bit.

Among the parents in our dcs classes there are a couple who make me go every time I deal with them, a large number who are cheerful acquaintances and a couple who have turned into real mates. Its probably pretty much the same anywhere.

i'm also the one with the chip on my shoulder and feel a bit of a fraud sending my dd to her school but I have learnt to relax in her first term because everyone has been really nice and no one has questioned how we afford it and why we chose it (unlike RL!).

The school DS2 and DD1 went to was lovely. We did find the parents at the Junior Dept more stand-offish that at the Senior school, but a lot of them were WAG types who looked down their nose at people with no money. We did get into the habit of wearing suits to Parents Evening The 'old money' families were the ones whose DC were kitted out from the thrift shop, and were happy to accept us for who we are.

DD was friends with a girl whose house backed onto a private wood. We could have fit our whole house into a corner of their deck yet they always made us feel welcome and never patronised us.

You get nice and nasty people in all walks of life.