can I get some advice on how to deal with this one ..

[mandywb]

I am currently at work and my mum just called to let me know that dd (7) has been in trouble at school today apparently.

I got the story that my mum got from dd so I don?t have the full details yet, but apparently some boy told her to scribble the 'F' and 'C' words (she said that - not sure of the words but can imagine) on the toilet wall and (she says) if she didn?t he would kill her, so she did and was caught by the head teacher :-(
Anyway apparently the head was really angry and was shouting at her and made her cry, dd was kept in at lunchtime and had to write a letter of apology. We also have a letter home to sign.
I will get more details when I get home.

Apart from asking her why she did it and telling her not to do this again, how can I stress to her that it's not ok to do this, and to stay calm about it all. Should I punish her or do you think that's been done in school already?

She has been really good in school until this year and seems to be slow in getting work done, chats lots, listens to the teacher less etc .. am finding it hard knowing how best to encourage her to concentrate and behave better. We reward good behaviour and good work that helps a little. Generally she is a bright, kind and well liked little girl - but just seems like she can't be bothered with some of it. My ds is 2 yrs older and never had any probs (and they said boys were harder !! lol).
Thanks.

Oh dear. Don't be too cross with her. There are far, far worse things she could have done and it sounds like it was very out of character.

I would stress that you are disappointed, that it wasn't like her and try to get to the bottom of why she did it. Consider that if someone was egging her on with threats then that's bullying and something the school should know, but also that she needs to think about peer pressure (the old "would you jump off a cliff if X told you?" chestnut) and that if you know something is wrong then you need to stand up for yourself.

It sounds like she's had a fright and probably learned a pretty big lesson though. Poor dd.

And I sympathise with her btw because I've been there (knocking on doors and running away . It was peer pressure, it was my fault, but I didn't turn out too badly).

Well, she's already had her punishment from the school, so I don't think you need to do anything specific. But as Suzi says, make sure she knows how disappointed you are in what she did. But also that if someone is threatening her, then doing something against the rules to placate them is not the solution (which she probably realises now!).

Thanks for your replies, i have spoken to her and it turns out no-one told her to do it, she had seen writing on the wall and decided to do it too . She seems sheepish and after talking to ds he said she was very upset at lunchtime after her 'chat' with the headteacher.

Considering we don't swear at home I am surprised she wrote those words 'crap' and 'f' word it turns out.

I have said I am very disappointed and that she will need to be extra good from now til xmas to get anything from Santa (trying to encourage good behaviour). I tried to explain that her friends mums would be shocked if they knew and maybe wouldn't ask her round to play if she did naughty things.

She has been sent to her room now (as didn't want to keep going on - but knew I would keep adding things if she was near me), and I will go and give her a hug in a bit. (She had teary eyes when telling me and it took me all my strength not to say it was ok - as she needs to know it's not ok).

Parenting is hard sometimes..

I think you got it about right. I'd let tonight be the end of it though.