Why are parents so secretive about trying for selective schools?

[choccyp1g]

I was chatting to another mum at the PTA-thingy last night, and the conversation got onto secondary schools. I said DS will be going to the local (very good) comprehensive and innocently asked what she thought for her DD. Cue much umm-ing and ahh-ing and "we're considering all the options". I (accidently) piled on the pressure by asking where her elder daughter goes, and she almost whispered the name of a private (selective) school.

Given that my DS could probably get into Grammar, if we'd tormenting him with coaching, (too late to worry about it now), do you think she's trying to keep the competition down? Or was she maybe embarrassed because she thought mine wouldn't stand a chance?

Or was I asking a rude question? It seemed a normal topic of conversation, but I felt as though I'd asked something very personal. All the other Y6 parents had been chatting about the same thing during the tea-break, with no obvious embarrassment.

I'm not that stressed about it, though I do feel a bit guilty at not making DS at least TRY the exams. He insists he wants to go to the same school as his mates, and

If I am misunderstanding what you wrotemalcontent then I apologise but I think the comment aimed at colleger who I'm assuming you don't know "home ed with you would clearly be worse!" is unbelievably rude. This is meant to be an interesting debate not a slanging match.
I unsure as to why people keep things secret I cant believe its to reduce the competition because the information regarding admission to any independent/selective school is not exactly classified information. I suspect they will feel embarrassed if their child doesn't get in for whatever reason and that is why they keep it secret. Although a friend of mine didn't tell me she was applying to Eton because she knew my views on it and didn't want to hear me banging on about how dreadful I thought it was!! I suppose I do like to bang on a bit although I have tried to mellow my views on the subject but at least I try not to be rude.

No, you're not reading it wrongly. My point is that Eton probably at least pretends not to think that state schools are untouchable and of no value, whereas Colleger has said explicitly that she does think. Therefore, as unbelievable as it may seem, Eton is not the place of education which would engender the most snobbishness and most sense of entitlement and superiority is, because home ed from someone who says she wouldn't touch a state school would, on that measure at least, be even worse.

So you feel home ed shouldn't be done by those who don't want to send their children to school or who think home ed is better than school? Presumably it should only be done by those who really do want to send their children to school but accidentally didn't through some bizarre chain of circumstances that I'm finding hard to imagine right now.

Collager does sound a little smug, it's true, but at least she doesn't sound smug and rude and judgemental.

It was never really meant to be a conversation about home ed, was it?

But no, I think that in the very specific and fictive category of 'which kind of education would produce the most snobbish child', education by someone would say she actively does not believe in state education would win out over Eton.

What I never understand is that whilst I, and presumably some others, would not send our child to private school because we do not believe private education is a good thing for society or anyone in it, and therefore we do not believe private schools ought to exist or that anyone ought to use them - what do people who wouldn't send their child to state school think? That there shouldn't be any state schools? That no-one should send their children there? Or just not them?

And that confusion is why I think it is silly to say somebody saying 'I don't believe in local comps' is exactly the same as saying 'I don't believe in private education'. It's a bit like 'aaaaaah, but if I replaced 'ginger' with 'black' in that sentence, you'd be a racist, aaaaaah, do you not see?'

But anyway, to disapprove of private education is to disapprove of 7% of the population, off whose noses I very much doubt it is a whole lot of skin.

I genuinelly wasn't trying to sound smug. I have home eded successfully and I'd do it again if my kids did not get into the schools that suit them. I am anti state education in it's current form and the fact that over 50% of parents would send their kids to private school if they could afford it speaks volumes.

I am not anti state education per se however, but I wouldn't send my child to one, other than maybe a grammar school, as I believe home ed to be far better than comprehensive education.

I would be v careful about telling people I was putting DS into an exam for a selective place because of the whole competitive parent thing and possibly / probably having to say that he had not got in. And, beyond discussing relative pros and cons and sharing info and experience, it isn't really anyone's business, is it? I would be especially loathe to dicuss it with someone who piled on the pressure!

She didn't say she didn't believe in state education.

She said that she didn't believe in sending her child to the local comp, a sentiment that could, admittedly, be finished off by "...because I don't want little Tarquin mixing with all the riff-raff, dahling" (snobbish) but could equally well be finished off by "...because I think home education will provide a more rounded and individual education than any school could do" (evangelical about the wonders of HE, albeit in a tactless and rather smug way). In fact, from experience of home edders I'd say the latter was far more likely.

No, she said she thought 'sending your child to the local comp was wrong'. Now unless she meant by that that only she thought it was wrong, only for her children, in which case the phrasing was rather misleading, I think that's a pretty unreasonable and unpleasant sentiment. Really, all the parents (the vast majority, of whom it follows an awful lot are good, involved, caring parents) who send their children to the local comp are 'wrong'?

What's the answer? If private education is good, how many children would you like to see privately educated? And where would you like the rest to go? If grammar schools are good, how many children should pass the 11+? And where do the rest go? And what if yours didn't?

But she didn't say "sending your child to the local comp was wrong but sending your child to the local private school was A-OK". You seem to be assuming that she thinks private education is good, and better than state education, but in most cases (unless you are taking a narrow view and defining "private education" to include home ed) that's not what home edders think. If you are defining home ed as a type of "private education" and therefore automatically a bad thing then, well, I don't agree with you at all but I don't home ed myself so am not inclined to spend ages debating the issue.

I hate discussing why we have chosen to privately educate our children so she probably didn't want to get into a discussion about it, it is boring having to justify it to people.

The local comp is wrong for both my kids, grammar is wrong for one of my kids, different private schools are needed for my kids and home ed is great although with one of my kids it doesn't suit me because he is a little b**r!

In a utopian world I don't think anyone should go to school, and if they must then they should all be in schools that mirror the values, ethos and class sizes of a few private schools. Many private schools are dire!

Malcontent I find your comment that private schools shoudn't exist and that people shouldn't send there children to them and that they are bad for society rather bizarre. It is variety that makes our society interesting and successful we know fr

Oops pressed wrong button and posted comment before I finished writing it. We know from history that a homogenous society such as those found in Mao's china does not necessarily being success. In an ideal world all state education would be of such a high but some people will always choose to educate their children privately. And why not?

Meant to reas of such a high standard that all children can reach their full potential. Sending off iPhone and it's very easy to press wrong buttons!

Blimey we really do know it all here don't we!!

We made various choices at primary and secondary that were different to other people's choices because we felt they were the best for our children. I've always tried to be sensitive not to imply that the local school / private school / out of catchment grammars that we did or didn't go for were the best / worst option so as not to upset those who chose the opposite route, or indeed didn't have that option for practical or financial reasons.

I may well have umm'ed and ahh'ed so as not to imply that I thought the local comp wasn't any good and cause offence.