Is my 5 year old a bully??

[mrsdil]

i have been having problems with ds since he started reception this year. I am regularly told that he has been fighting etc by the teacher although he is one of the brightest in the class.

Tonight i have received a letter from headteacher saying he has been showing signs of bullying behaviour towards other children at lunchtimes and therefore he wont be allowed to play at lunch times twice next week.

I have spoken with him at length about this and he understands what bullying is and that it is wrong but he says (and so does teacher) that he has not actually hurt anyone, just chased them etc. when they were playing games such as "star wars" and "incredible hulk". He attends a martial arts class and the teacher has spoken in length about bullying etc...i thought this would have a positive effect on him. he has never bullied or hit out of school.

Not sure of other things, need to see head on monday.

I have confiscated all ds toys etc but what else can i do to make him understand that he must behave at school!

I hate to think of him as a bully...what can i do?

Just wanted to add that he is the oldest and tallest in his class.

Maybe other kids and teachers think he's a bully because of his size, rather than his actions? He could look aggressive when chasing a smaller kid.

mrsdil-the only information I get from my ds about school is that in the playground the boys seem to form teams and fight each other as imaginary superheros!
My Ds is the youngest in his year (4 in July) and relishes this playfighting. Seems to work The problems occur when they go too far and somebody gets hurt-it is not intentional but they seem to have difficulty in controlling themselves when they become over-excited.
The school use a time-out technique for anybody who is getting too excited or aggressive-they stand by the wall for a few minutes to calm down before joining in the play again. The teachers recognise that boys like to play like this and rather than stopping it they carefully control it instead
I suspect if your Ds is older and bigger than the others he may be perceived as aggressive when I suspect in fact he is simply doing what little boys like to do!!!!!!
I hope you have an understanding head teacher

mrsdil - the only way you can be sure, is to watch the children playing yourself, without them knowing you are there. I have done this with my children, to get the real picture of what is going on in the playground.

I think you can probably believe your ds when he says that he doesnt think he is bullying anyone - but it is possible that he is scaring someone without meaning to. This happened to someone I knew when she was a small child, she had been playing as she thought, with younger children, the teachers very tactfully made a general announcement, and she realised (as a small child!) that she had been too aggressive with the littler ones, so stopped immediately.

Does everyone who deals with bullying or potential bullying know exactly what it is, or at least work to a common definition?

I'm not trying to sound superior or anything: I'm not saying I have the perfect answers, but in my experience, behaviour that is really not bullying can get labelled as such, and with adults misinterpreting it, it is very hard for young children to truly appreciate what it is.

I think the term can too easily be stuck on someone who has been a bit mean once or twice - what child hasn't? - or who has played a rougher game than others would like, or who has had an argument with another child and solved it in a physical way. These things are not bullying, as I understand it from a professional point of view and from a personal point of view as looking back, I realise I was bullied at school but didn't really know what ti was at the time and never did anything about it.

I would say that bullying is a systematic targetting of one child for perpetual teasing, physical abuse and general meanness. It usually happens by groups, not individuals.

From your description, it seems as though your ds might have been a bit rough, but it seems, from your limited description, granted, that there seems to be little bullying existing in this scenario, and even little understanding of it being mentioned or explained to you.

I have read this back and I can't help but think it could be construed as having a go at the original poster and I certainly don't mean that and hope it isn't read as that. I just wanted to highlight the point of misunderstanding to inform and also to reassure that often when children are seen to be 'bullying' it is, in fact, nothing of the sort.

I think a meeting with the class teacher and head is a must before any further sanctions are carried out with your ds.

HTH

Just on the bit about being taller than everyone else in his class - I can say from experience that size makes a difference in the way you are perceived. I have always been tall and even at primary school I was expected to behave more maturely than my friends, many of who happened to be small for their age. I remember a dinner lady telling me off for playing with my friend - "a great big girl like you running about like that" she said. I was 8!
It sounds as if your ds is just playing normal boisterous boy games, but because he's tall he appears older and stronger than his friends.

Have you thought about what impact the karate sessions are having on him?

I would really like my DS to do karate, but I think 4/5 is a bit too young (more like 7/8). They are likely to act out what they've learnt in the playground at that age. But I may be wrong.

When you talk to the school mrsdil ask them if thet have the SEAL materials in school . This is a set of materials aimed at developing an emotional awareness in primary aged children. There is a really good unit of work called " SAy No to bullying" It is really useful for making explicit to children what bullying is and how to deal with it. Bullying is repeated, deliberate and unfair. Have a look here SEAL
I am not quite sure if your son's behaviour falls into this category. It may be that the other children encourage him to always be the " chaser" and that what the school need to do is to help the children play together in a vareity of different ways.
Adults assume that children instinctively understand how to play together and actually they need to learn and be taught lots of different skills in order to play happliy together.
Good luck.