who should tell Dd1 to do something???? Me or the teacher??

[sparklymieow]

DD1's teacher keeps telling me nearly every day to 'talk to dd1 about not shouting out in class/to sit nicely/to not use her writing slope as a drum etcetc' Now I don't understnad why I should be telling DD1 about this when it is happening in school, surely the teacher should be telling her. I don't go in and say to the teacher 'can you talk to dd1 about sitting nicely at the dinner table/going to sleep etc'
Surely if it is happening at school the teacher should take responibly and deal with it at the time..?! I don't mind talking to dd1 about something if it something like her stratching or pushing another child but some of the things seems petty. Dd1 has CP and learning problems, and it seems to me that the teacher doesn't want to know and help her.

I would say it's down to both of you.

IMO the teacher should approach DD when she is doing these things... like how are you supposed to ask her to stop using her writing slope as a drum when you are not there.. and then when you bring it up at home she has no clue of what you are talking about!!!

I think you should say to the teacher, "Can you correct her at the time? Because if I bring it up later she has no idea how I know what went on in school" Or something like that...?

Thats what I thought FF, I mean it is happening at school, Ican't tell her off for something when I wasn't there to deal with it.

Hiya, it certainly seems like she's taking the easy way out by asking you to talk to her. I'm like you, I think that behaviour whilst at school, should be dealt with by the teacher - surely when a child is at school, it should be up to the teacher to check their behaviour etc. Does your little one have any one-to-one help in the classroom?

sorry I disagree -- it is up to parents to make sure that kids are polite and well behaved in class by enforcing good manners at home and making sure that they are used at all times and in all situations..

The teacher needs your help she has lots of other kids to look after as well as yours and if she spent most of her time addressing these issues, when would she teach?

I know it is harder for your DD as she has CP and the teacher should take that into account, but I don;t think you can delegate your child's behaviour management to the teacher...

I think it's down to both of you - I would expect the teacher to be talking to her about it at the time, but you need to reinforce the message at home.

I'm sure she does say something at school .. Maybe she's just asking for you to reinforce the message at home? sounds like a potential misunderstand

I think it's good that the teacher is involving you and asking you to reinforce the message about behaving in class.

I think you need to say something to DD, but also perhaps have a quick chat with teh teacher.

When my dd kept getting told off in class I had a chat with her about it, and tried to find out why she was getting in trouble all the time (having never been in trouble before) Once we had discussed why she was getting told off (being distracted and then talking in class) I explained that if she listened hard to the teacher it would help her, she started to behave.

I know my dd hasn't got CP, but I do think it works best when what the teacher says is reinforced at home.

Obviously you need to check that the teacher is also telling her to behave in class too.

Sorry, I meant that if a child misbehaves or annoys other children in a classroom, then it is up to the teacher at that moment in time to put the child right - of course, it goes without saying that it is the parent's job to ensure children learn good manners and good behaviour at home. I never meant to imply that teaching good manners was a teacher's job.

But how can I tell her tonot use her writing slope as a drum when 1. we don't have one at home and 2. if its happening in the morning and I am being told about it later on, how can I tell her off for it? I guess that the tecaher has already said something to her. I said that I don't mind talking to her about bad behaviour and we tell her everyday to behave and not to do this and that (whatever the teacher has talked to me about, the list is getting bigger)
The sschool have just got 3 1/2 hours support for her, but it isn't enough.

No-one's saying you should tell her off for it, just tell her that there are some things she shouldn't be doing in the class because it upsets the other children and that banging on her writing slope is one of those things. It's not a matter of telling off, just letting her know that there is something she's doing that she shouldn't be doing.

and I do teach good manners but with Dd1 she is very easily distracted and has a poor contraction span. She needs support really but the education dept are a pain here.

I think she just needs to know that you know what is happening in school and that she can talk to you if there's any problem and then you can talk to her about how to behave and why its important??

maybe?

She is getting better at learning the rules of class, and we do try and reinforce the class rules with her. The teacher did an assessment recently which shows she has a delay of about 1 1/2 years, so she is still struggling to take in all the rules, she has just learnt to put up her hand for example

SM I don't expect you to tell your dd off tbh, but is it worth having a chat to her about school, see if she tells you about the teacher telling her off? Then you can talk to her about it. Without telling her off, can you tell her what she should be doing?? eg Listening in class, sitting nicely etc Which re-reading your thread you are already doing! Sorry

Since I don't know you and your dd, I am not sure how best to approach things. But I would go and have a brief chat to the teacher and ask her what she would like you to do. Explain you do tell her to be good each day, but perhaps you can sit down and look at how you can work together on this.

In a way I feel for the teacher as she has dd1 with CP, and learning diffulcuties,behaviour problems and delays galore, and then apparently she also has quite a few children with behaviour problems.

Reading between the lines, I don?t think it is the fact that the teacher is asking for your back up from home, as I am sure you would be only too happy to reinforce basic behavioural rules, more that you are getting daily negative feedback and you are concerned about the teacher?s general manner towards your DD.
I would wait until the teacher makes the next negative remark and take it as an opportunity to ask to speak to him/her about your DD?s general progress and the feedback you have received. Be honest, tell them that while you appreciate the feedback, you are concerned that it is constantly negative. I would ask them what tactics they are employing to help your DD learn and improve on these basic listening and behavioural issues. If it has been going on a while, have they improved at all? If not, has the teacher tried different strategies etc. Talking to your DD hours after an incident is just not going to do much good if the school isn?t playing their part. When your DD does as she is told/sits nicely on the mat etc, is the teacher rewarding her with praise/a sticker etc? Do they always use the negative "don?t do that...} type instruction or are they trying other things such as "look at Heather everyone, isn?t she sitting nicely..." type thing to get the other children to see praise, want the same and so make their own independent decision to behave...Could go on and on...
What I am trying to say is that in your shoes I would let the school know that I was concerned all feedback seemed so negative and that I wanted to know exactly what strategies they had in place, how her behaviour rated in comparison to the rest of the class, is it improving/staying hte same, have they set targets and incentives for her to want to behave??
Hope that makes sense!

Yes, I do getupset as all the feedback is negative, this morning as soon as Dd1 walked in, the teacher snapped at her about sitting down and to be quiet, she had only just walked in, she was being quiet

It sounds as if maybe the teacher doesn't put things very well? If she meant "please tell your daughter off for me", then that is wrong. But if she meant "please can you reinforce at home the messages I am giving your daughter in school", that is fine and something that I really agree with. Also (and here I am thinking of my son, who needs to be told things in a very particular sort of way which makes sense to him) she might be meaning "you know better than I can how your daughter understands and what to say to help the messages sink in and I would be really grateful if you could help me".

I think the teacher struggle with SN kids tbh, she is a 'old school' teacher who likes things done a certain way and isn't very good at the cahnge a SN child can do to a class IYCWIM. We did havea meeting last week and she did say that dd1 will do things, as long as they are on her terms, dd1 is very stubborn, and very hard work, I have struggled with her behaviour for 5 years now and I had to have a breakdown before Social services would help with respite care. It is a continuous battle with her, I understand that and the school have been great in taking her into the school as she can't go to a SN school, I just feel that the teacher needs to reinforce the rules as much as I do.

Has she started getting her support yet?

Perhaps you could all have a meeting before this starts where you discuss how best to deploy this help. I would say that instead of trying to support her academically from the outset, your DD should be supported in a social sense. Extra time spent reinforcing the class rules etc.

There's plenty of time for academic support and IMO, this will be more productive once your DD understands what level of behaviour is appropriate in the class.

As for telling her off. I think that you should ask for a review meeting and together set out no more than three behaviour targets which the teacher will expect her to adhere to (or begin to) and which you will help reinforce at home. There is no point in expecting her to learn everything at once. Hopefully, between the three of you (You, teacher & support worker) your DD will begin to settle and make good progress.

Hi. This seems like a complex problem but all children need to know when they are doing things 'right'. It may be worth looking at what rewards you use around the home when dd is co-operative and asking her teacher whether there is a way of giving her something similar in school.
Verbal paise may sometimes be enough 'Well done, you sat and listened to the story. Good girl.' or 'I am very pleased that you haven't banged your desk for 30 minutes so I am going to give you a sticker.' Dd needs to know what is expected from in each part of the lesson, and what reward she can expect. She also needs lots of feedback when she has achieved a particular target. Think SMART - Small Measurable Achievable Realistic Targets.
It sounds like a lot but I think if her teacher could do this sometimes and her support assistant could do the same then you would at least get some positive reports at the end of the day. In terms of asking her teacher to implement this type of strategy, I would say 'Dd responds really well to praise/prizes/bribes(!) and loves being told what she has done right and being given small rewards. I know you are incredibly busy, but do you think we could reward her when she........(pick one thing)'
I wish you the very best of luck!