please tell me get a grip and be happy with "average".

[cupofteainpeace]

I need to tell myself to be happy with DD report (y1)!
She is doing just fine (at expected level) in everything and is "quiet and well behaved" in class. Although I am delighted with the behaviour thing (issues there in previous year) I am dissappointed that she is average. Now deep down I know this is wrong to be dissappointed and that I am a pushy mum. I definately should NOT compare with DS (top of class type pupil).
However, please tell me to stop being stupid and be happy with "expected level".

She is so young and a lovely bubbly strong little person. She is so special to me, that I have difficulty accepting the fact she is average.
I find it hard reading DS's report (A1, A1, A1, top of class score ect) then to read her's which is much more normal.
Now I'm rambling so I'll shut up. Thanks for listening!!!!

Rivens right, a happy child is what people should aim for rather than x level.

I was bright but wish i'd hid it, you get pushed at home and at school and expected to reach a certain target all the time - in the end I started to hate learning and it was the main reason I snubbed university.

As long as my DS tries his best and enjoys school thats all I want, I never want him to worry that i'll be disappointed in him if he's not top of the class.

My eldest is an unrecognised genius average academically, but is happy at school and works hard

I was the opposite, top of the class but miserable and never really fit in so you'd think I'd just be happy that she's happy. But. It still makes me feel a bit sad that she needs to work so hard to stay in the middle. I was kind of hoping she'd inherit the genes that made school easy without the awkward stuff that I had alongside that. It makes me sad that she didn't read What Katy Did by torchlight under the duvet in Infant School like I did. I have no idea why it makes me sad. I know it's irrational.

That doesn't mean I'm not INCREDIBLY proud of her. She has a work ethic that I never had which I think will stand her in better stead when she's out there in the big wide world. She is loving and fabulous and kind and happy and smily. What's not to be proud of?

I tell her all the time that I'm proud of her and I'm chuffed she loves school and that the work she does is fantastic.

Doesn't mean I can't feel a little bit of sadness that she won't be a high achiever academically.

I always find myself shaking my head and sighing heavily when I read threads like this. Minds are malleable and expandable. New developments in cognitive science show you can get incrementally more intelligent, there's proof. Intelligence is not a hereditary life sentence but a multi-faceted resource whose many aspects can be cultivated. No one has an ability ceiling that's pre-set at 'average'.

Fourthousandholes your DD sounds like she has a different personality to you rather more than just not being academically gifted in your opinion. Children have a habit of 'becoming' what might be believed about them. She might have the potential to go on to do very well academically.

We often make decisions about our children so early on it seems to me. I have parents say to me 'Johnny can't be in the school play, I know it's a great part, but he's shy, he'd hate it'. Perhaps, but more often than not they are projecting their own fears and Johnny might benefit from the opportunity. At sports day you hear parents talk about their 6 year old 'Look at him, not an athletic bone in his body. So rubbish at sports' and these 'facts' can become self fulfilling prophecies for all sorts of reasons.

Take the child that is seen as 'bright' in reception because they are unusually verbal for their age. This might be because the parents are high brow types who are inadvertently extending them above their peers just through conversation or perhaps they are 'reinforcing' numeracy and literacy at home. Once a child is seen as bright, middle ability or less able these labels tend to stick. They are often subconsciously applied. Our friend the bright, verbal child if they don't go on to live up to their early billing (say a level 3 at KS1) excuses will be made for them. They are bright, perhaps there are problems at home/fallen in with the wrong crowd, why haven't they made the expected progress? It's rare a 'bright' judgement is rescinded. I've seen children like this fly and honestly believe you could place a 'middle ability' child in a similar environment and situation and they'd achieve the similar results.

If a less able child goes on to do unexpectedly well often people will start talking about their incredible work ethic etc rather than wondering whether they were actually 'bright' in the first place.

I wish the belief 'you can't get out what God didn't put in' wasn't so powerful and resilient. I've seen children achieve amazingly when they truly believe they can. A growth mindset will take you so far in life I wish one on all children and their parents.

Probably the worst thing you can do for a DC is label them 'bright' in yr 1. Some are just simply late developers.It always make me smile when people list what their 3 yr old can do and ask 'will the school cope with them'?. All it means is that they have a reasonably bright DC who has been around adults a lot. They may well get overtaken later by the 'average'. The hare and the tortoise is a good fable!

see the thread for mums of the average and below-average on this forum.

I think that once you STOP focusing on your kid as 'unrecognised genius', you can start seeing them more as a personality. One that doesn't depend on achievement to be valuable and worthwhile.

In your life, who do you value most: the true friends, the warm caring people, or the high-achievers? Really?

It's interesting how as a society we seem to value natural ability, as has been discussed before over the steady, eddy plodder. Exoticfruits most would prefer to be a hare rather than a tortoise. The hare who has the ability but dozes on the job is far more glamorous that the tortoise who puts one foot in front of the other rather placidly.

Agree Allegrageller that the warm, caring people are those we value most. We so often seem to underestimate an individual's potential to develop thats the thing.

There is many a tortoise who get the limelight in the end! As an adult no one knows, or cares, if you taught yourself to read when 3 yrs old or you didn't get it until you were 9yrs old.
It seems to me to be competitive parenting-'my DC is above average, therefore I perform better than the average parent'!

Cortina I think you make an excellent point, she is still at primary school so way to early to make assumptions. What I think of her progress thus far is very private (well, shared with millions on the internet but anonymously) so I will encourage her to reach her potential rather than just assuming that she will always be average and treating her as such.

I think that subconsciously I assumed she would be a mini me but my rational brain knows that that's bollocks and I will never treat her anything other than as her own person.

She has come on in leaps and bounds this year and I am very proud of her :)

The "unrecognised genuis" ^^ uo there was very much tongue in cheek.

exocticfruits - so agree a lot of it - is my child doing well so I must be a good parent - its exactly the same as my child sleeps through
and I so agree motivation is just as important as picking things up easily

I agree that lables given early on often tend to stick. Who knows how any young child will turn out in the end?
I am not saying that I am lableing my daughter 'average'. I am talking really about my own feelings being totally irrational - as FourThousandHoles said.
Why do I find her good report dissappointing? It makes me question why I feel like that. Am I such a bad mum to secretly feel this? Or do others harbour these kinds of thoughts too??

Yup, get a grip.

DD is 'just average' but is popular, happy, has many friends and loves school. When I think about the skills you need to get you through life, being popular, making friends and having a happy disposition will see you a very long way!

You're not a bad mum to feel like this - you're being very normal in that you want your child to "succeed". We all want that for our children - and I've been as guilty as you of similar feelings.

Our problem isn't in wanting success, it's how we define success. I have to fight against seeing success as purely academic success, because those were my parents' expectations - my friend is far more concerned about her DSs being sporty. Some parents value popularity. We're all wrong - we should just be valuing happiness.

Ah - hassled, you've just hit a nerve there.....
I was very successful in a particular field and went on to forge a decent career out of it. I was always the best at this at school, and county wide also. Went to a specialist college and did well generally. Therefore I probably expect my DC to be top at something too. Never actually thought about it like that. As it happens DS is academic, DD has not shown her colours yet (she's only 6!). That at least puts some perspective to my feelings.

If only we had a crystal ball!!!!!!

Think others have said similar but being academically bright is not the be all and end all. When I look back to the people I was with at school, many of the very successful ones were in the B streams and many of those in the A streams didn't end up with the best careers. There is a lot more to it - for me I could get good grades but lack the social skills to survive in a competitive environment. I really wouldn't worry. My DD also seems to be around the average mark. I'm just hoping she'll end up doing something she really likes.

Not all students will progress at the same rate in different aspects of a subject. For all students there will be a degree of ?trade-off? with strengths in some aspects of a subject and weaknesses in another. Students who have median attainment overall may not be average at anything. They may be above average on some things, and below average on others.

An average child is 6 may not be an average child at 16 but a star performer who works hard. I actually think it is better having children who are not the best in Year 1 because they learn early that they have to work. I was top when I first started school being an October-born with all the confidence etc. My academic career peaked at 11 and went slowly downhill afterwards until I got a third in my degree. Too cocky and sure of myself from a young age. My DS and DD both below average when they started school, (summer borns) are now both well regarded by teachers for their hard-working abilities. DS (now Year 6) is in the top groups for everything and is a real perfectionist who is not content to do the minimum. As someone said it is a long-term game. My Sister (average all the way through school) is a very young director at the BBC now and has really worked hard to get there. I have done pretty well. Our other sister who was considered the bright one was never career oriented, didn't work in her exams and gave up work the minute she had kids. Has not worked since. Therefore it means nothing! Rather average and hard-working than above average and a cocky little child who thinks they can do very little.

Please don't do this. Be happy. She is young and sounds like a lovely LO. Don't compare her to anyone. Also don't push. At risk of sounding like an inflated head I shall let you know that I was avg all through school and also graduate education, was never pushed to study by parents, decided to go on and get a PHD eventually, also a scholarship for it. My mum always said do your best and left it at that. He has given up all hope for me as I was very 'so-so' in school and very distracted in college.
Grades never make any difference in re long run!!
(goes and hides in a corner emoticon)

I think that you will find that most of the world's successful people were not necessarily great at school, and certainly not in yr1.
Any class will have the bulk in the middle range, a few above average, a few below and maybe one or two high flyers and one or two SN.
In the same way a school production will have mainly the chorus with only a handful of main parts-yet come Christmas it will be full of moans on here that posters DCs are on the back row of the chorus-most will be!
You can't have the bulk above average, or they then become average! In the same way you can't have a play with 30 main speaking roles!
Just relax-average is fine. (lots of DCs-like me-liked being out of sight on the back row of the chorus!)

I think something that isn't perhaps being addressed is the harsh reality that in this modern cut-throat, dog eat dog world, there is a real need to achieve via the recognised measures of academic success in order to be able to get through the doors of life. The office boy rarely if ever climbs the greasy pole any more, and those that do, the 'barrow boy made good' are recognised and commented upon, such is the rarity of that 'way up'. Hence exotic's 'world's successful people'. They are the stuff of magazine articles.

30 years ago, boys like my DB, 1 'O' level (but not as daft as that makes him sound: poor SM school!) got on an apprenticeship quite easily at 16. These days you're not suggesting a DC without an English Bacc. would even get a look in! The jobs and traineeships are just not there any more for the less academically able.

So, my point is, I know why a parent might worry about 'average' as measured in school- especially bearing in mind that, frankly, that bar is set pretty low!- even though we know that DCs can bloom later/opportunities to 'catch up' are better than ever they were (though waaaay more expensive than ever!).

For the record, DS1 is what I'd call a 'B' grade student, capable of A when he feels like it. DS2 is very 'average' to the extent I am sending him to private tutoring because I know he can do better and he needs to get an English Bacc to allow him to access a future that pays the bills well enough to allow him a 'nice' standard of living. I know the Eng Bacc was wheeled out as a 'basic measure of secondary educational success' but the fact remains, in my opinion, a DC who gets 2s in KS1 SATS and 4's in KS2 SATS might well have difficulty in passing a GCSE in a MFL.

Many will be howling 'Self-fulfilling!' Your DS2 will always be no more than 'average' because you say he is! My response would be two-fold: No, I know he can do better, hence the gentle but ongoing pressure via tutoring and nightly, self-set 'homework' (largely reading and spelling) and secondly, I feel that our fear of recognising where talent lies -or doesn't- in the UK causes us to pretend all doors are open to all DCs all the time so they do 'one size fits all' Y11 exams- where many will effectively leave school with just about nothing. Far better if that DC's other talents were built on at say 14 so they can access mechanical apprenticeships at 16, for instance!

So my advice to the OP is to see if there are things you can do to help your DC along as if you can, it'll boost their self confidence and ultimately buy them the keys to greater choice in life.

And thank you for your honesty in posting!

erebus - yes! Don't we all just want the best for our dc? And for our dc to be the best that they can?? Or is that being "pushy"?

Cupofteainpeace/Erebus I agree with you both. These days certain standards are required to get jobs etc. However, if asked do I want my DC to be average, I wouldn't answer the question directly but would say I want my DC to reach their potential. For one average would be underachieving and for the other might that might be tough. The term average has to be put in the context of the child. So maybe I am pushy as I too want them to be the best they can be!!

I agree with much of that, tough, except about 'average being in the context of the DC'- I'd say not really, 'average' is an absolute value, where lines are drawn across graphs, those below 'fail', those above pass. And it can be a very thin line! Which is why I am applying pressure to DS2 as should that line's position change (if the measure of average changes according to the ability of each cohort each year, for instance, rather than being an unvarying constant) DS may find himself below so we need to 'buy' him a margin of error.

Again I'd reiterate that I am not overly encouraged by the measure used in state primaries to denote 'average/just scrape through. It's not high!

We all need to try and encourage our DCs to 'reach their potential' (with the caveat of asking ourselves whether we reached ours!!). As you know I think DS2 can do better.

Fwiw, DS1 told me yesterday that they'be been sorted into their ability groups in maths ready for Y8. He's in 3 out of 5. He knows he needs to be in 2 to buy him the margin of error (esp as he knows his school is a bit ruthless in putting DCs into exam trajectories, young- ie DS has to watch that he doesn't find himself on the Foundation Maths GCSE course, or double science instead of triple as he is well able to do better!)

I did pretty well academically. When I was in year 1 equivalent my Mum was told I was "not as bright as you think". I then spent 18 months in a bottom set at Juniors, until a new head brought in mixed ability classes. I only realised how bright I was at 13 when I came second in the year. She has lots of time to develop.
I see one friend's daughter talking about University, who was on the SEN register all through juniors (for general developmental delay). I also frequently meet the most lovely cheerful group with Downs syndrome, who are leading a very fulfilled life, the told me all about their Christmas party one time, if my "normal" kids can be as happy as them I will be very pleased.

As for your daughter just think of all the talents she hasn't had a chance to show she has yet: show jumping, diving, empathy with animals, foreign languages, all kinds of engineering, cooking etc.

While I agree with a lot said by Cortina and Erebus, can I just say that I have known cases where parents have made their dcs very unhappy and finally turned them off education altogether by refusing to accept that they had limitations and that a less comfortable standard of living might actually be ok for them even if the parents wouldn't find it acceptable.

My parents were not extreme, but as highly educated academics they found it hard to accept that their eldest did not have the gifts they took for granted, so they pushed him for years and tutored him at home and were quite upset when he wanted to go to a vocational college. It took him many years to find his own path in life and he was left with a massive inferiority complex which still troubles him 35 years later.

They were never unkind to him and they were excellent teachers, but he just couldn't be the person they expected a son of theirs to be. My younger brother and I were the kind of child they were equipped to cope with, so we did well and still remember those years with gratitude.

If merely having high expectations and expert tuition could have done it, then my eldest brother should have flourished too.