feel upset and depressed after chat with nursery teacher

[dexter]

Help! can I have some opinions?
Posted about my son's nursery last week but things got worse yesterday. My son is three and has been going two mornings a week since sept this year ie about 8 weeks. From little or no feedback, I was 'spoken to' yesterday by my son's nursery teacher - she began by telling me that he had made great progress that day, joined in more and played with another child. She then went on and ON about how he doesn't socialise, always says no when asked to make something, or paint something, and how MOST kids are socialising well by this stage. I told her that he has always been a 'doer' ie he will always make up his own games, do his own thing - and quite often other children will join in with him - but as yet he doesn't really 'join in' with others - I said to her I feel he will, when it matters to him. And I said I felt it is early days, only a few weeks - and that I would hope he's socialising by next summer, not worried about it at present! She seemed so down on him that I asked her if she thought he was weird, at which she did backtrack a bit. But I was so upset after I left.
Much of this conversation was in front of my son, which after I left I felt really bad about. I have felt concerned before that there doesn't seem to be any real WARMTH shown about my son, but put worries aside because this is 'can't put my finger on it' sort of stuff. I just want them to accept him for who he is. He's a gem, never hits or fights and is very gentle, though he is VERY strong willed and will refuse to do stuff he doesn't want to. He speaks extremely well for his age and is used to being spoken to, so has an answer for everything. He is emotionally a young three I think, not so 'streetwise' as some. I just say this to give you a picture of him, don't know why.
I just felt so depressed after this chat - after all, she was supposedly telling me this was a GOOD day! Is it me? Or is she over the top? I'm quite prepared to be wrong, I just would value your opinions.

I think the staff are expecting a bit too much of him tbh. He's only 3 and he's only been at nursery for a few weeks.

From what I've seen at the local pre-school, children of this age who play with others a lot are the exception rather than the rule.

I think I'd make a distinction between socialising and joing in with activities. Agree with coppertop that many children at this age play alongside other children stll rather than with them.

I can see that the nursery may have concerns if they are unable to engage him in activities at all but I think you need to be asking how they are helping him to join in and integrate with the other children. And I think the teacher handled it badly by comparing him to the other children and in front of him too. I'd be tempted to go back and have a longer chat when your de isn't around.

thanks guys. That's the thing, he has joined in many a time! I guess she's saying it's a bit of a battle - but he DOES join in. And I felt got at, because all this was said after a day when she said how much progress he's made!! It seemed needless and negative.

Yes, you're right the joining in and socialising are two different issues.
Thank you coppoertop, it's good to get the feedback that he is normal and plays in a similar way to others!

And if you don't feel entirely happy with the set up/staff or whatever, consider changing nursery. The opinions of the staff seem quite judgmental seeing as he's only been there a few weeks - give him a chance to settle in! Them, not you!

My DS is 4. He rarely does pictures or makes arts and crafts stuff at pre-school. He likes playing trains or cars or whatever. He's got some little friends now (4 is more the age they form friendships IMO). They don't force him to do stuff, the children can choose what they do until story time when everyone has to sit on the carpet (so they can tidy the rest of the hall really).

Ask the keyworker if you can meet with her privately, a few minutes before you pick up your son, to elaborate on your recent discussion. The manager should be able to provide cover for this time if you get up a meeting with advance notice.

I teach this age range and would say that (in my experience) the children mostly play alongside eachother. This is definately the case with the children in my class right now that have started in September. Also as we all know, kids develop diff. skills at diff. rates and therefore no educator should be comparing like for like at this age.

Also wanted to add that I don't think children should be made to do things, such as arts and crafts things, it they don't want to. Our role is to encorage not to force children to do activities as the real emphasis on nursery education is for learning through play. A boy in my class never wanted to paint and then one day he started to. He was ready.

Note to your child's teacher: celebrate that he has a wonderful imagination and can play happily by himself. Get a few children working on a group task together, such as building a city etc. with the teacher helping the kids work together. After a while, children will have the tools to do this naturally by themselves.

Ask the keyworker if you can meet with her privately, a few minutes before you pick up your son, to elaborate on your recent discussion. The manager should be able to provide cover for this time if you get up a meeting with advance notice.

I teach this age range and would say that (in my experience) the children mostly play alongside eachother. This is definately the case with the children in my class right now that have started in September. Also as we all know, kids develop diff. skills at diff. rates and therefore no educator should be comparing like for like at this age.

Sorry you are still having this problem dexter.

My DS (4 and in Reception) still is not keen on crafty stuff. Some boys just aren't.

Echo what others have said about playing alongside rather than with at this age.

However - at this stage I would seriously consider whether the nursery is right for your son. The teacher seems either inexperienced or naive.

I think children are this age are so different and your son sounds normal to me. It's so easy for the nursery staff to worry parents unecessarily and they should know that. I also think it was unprofessional to birng this up in front of your son. Tbh, if I didn't feel like I got on with the teachers in my children's nursery or that I got bad vibes from them, I would consider moving nursery. I have to feel 100% happy with the nursery otherwise I would just sit and worry at work all day. The teahcers in our nursery are always very positive and my DS1 is no arts and craft person either. He has got very good social skills and plays with others very well, but there are plenty of children I know who don't at this age!

Thank you guys, it's soo good to hear your views. I am seriously considering changing nursery for him but I don't want to do anything in a hurry, as he's only just started really! I've decided after reading all your comments that I'm going to write a letter to them just to confirm in writing what I said to them the other day - that I am NOT concerned about his socialisation and it would be a long long time before I saw it as a worry, so I would like them to take a relaxed attitude to this. Though I shouldn't have to SAY this!!! Shimmers, I shall most certainly be saying to her that (stolen directly from you hope you don't mind!) kids develop at different rates so he should not be being compared with others at the stage. Really don't feel I ought to be saying this though, and I shall keep a really sharp eye on them - although my son is articluate and confident, he is very easily daunted so I do not want him cowed by them. I'm investigating the pre-school which is attached to the local infants, which I guess will be more use to him anyway, as he'll meet the peer group there that he will go to reception class with.
Once again, thanks so much all and thanks for getting back in touch budababe!!!!