Self-critical/perfectionist 5 year old...help needed

[Gomez]

I am hoping to get some advise from the wise ladies of MN.

DD1 started school in August (in Scotland) aged 5 and I am convinced she is going to drive herself around the twist. She is obsessed with learning - reading and writing in particular. From the minute she wakes up she is trying to read things, spell words, practice writing, do her numbers. Then at night she can't sleep as she is still at - lies in bed (in the dark) chuntering until 10/10.30. BUT if she gets it wrong or isn't good enough (in her opinion) then she is distraught, begins to call herself stupid/silly etc. (terms we have never used about or to her, or anyone else for that matter). We are putting her under no pressure at all. Reports from school are good so far and she appears to have settled in okay, even having had a party invite. We just can't get her to relax/switch off.

She gets homework each night Mon-Thursday plus a 'story bag' which is themed and would contain,for example, a puzzle, pupper, tape, factual book and fictional book which you then work through during the week and return on a friday.

She has swimming lessons and gymnastics during the week, we normally siwm as a family at the weekend and walk/cylce on the other day - a reasonable balance I thought. She does not carry the same behaviours through to physical challenges thou' - and is not if I am honest a natural athlete so could do with trying a bit harder here.

I am now becoming concerned and would appreciate some advice. Apologies for the length of this.

Have you discussed this with DD's teacher? They have probably encountered this before and might be able to give you some good advice.

Homework every night Mon-Thurs sounds like a lot to me, my DD is in year 2 and only gets 1 set of homework a week (apart from reading books). We then choose if and when to do any extra.

She's only been at school for 2 months, she might settle down as she gets used to it and realises that it doesnt matter if she gets it wrong sometimes.

Thanks Mamag. They only person who minds if she gets it wrong is her .

Bumpty bump for any other views.

hi Gomez
actually, that sounds to me like a fairly busy week for a 5 year old! out of interest, why do you say she could do with trying a bit harder at swimming and gymnastics?

If my daughter was doing this, Id ban reading and writing at certain times, and encourage other things, like cooking or watching a video. Explain that it's important to learn all sorts of things, not just reading and writing and numbers.

Thanks NN - I only say she could try harder at physical activities as she is not a natural athlete by any stretch of the imagination and if it is even slightly possible that she will break sweat she needs a 'rest'. I am not aware of anyone ever having voiced that to her however.

I spoke with her teacher today who I felt was very much 'And you problem is? Feel grateful that she can be arsed at all.'

We do to other things by the way but as soon as she has a spare 5 mins, of she goes bloody jolly phonic(ing) (excuse me all you grammer pedants) again!

Anyone else? Please.............I might be persuaded to buy champange at the Christmas Meet-Up .

Girls eh? They are so motivated and driven to be perfect these days.

One girl in my son's class MUST do her week's homework the day it is set. Even if it s sunny and her sister wants to go to the park or they have friends round. Doesn't rest or eat until she's finished. It is almost an obsessive-compulsive thing. My son does it night before due in only if nagged. She'll end up with 12 A* GCSES (and an eating disorder).

To mothers of boys, this self-discipline and motivation seems very enviable.

Are you taking the piss?

'Cause if so I could surely do with out it.

My 8yo DD has just read your first post over my shoulder and said 'That is so me'. And it is.

Unfortunately she can't suggest any solutions although I do think it is excellent that she is aware of this in herself.

I spoke to her headteacher about it 2-3 years ago and she said she still hadn't learnt how to deal with it in herself at 56! And I'm no better at 37! Poss DD has learnt this by watching me voice my frustration at my own inability to achieve something e.g. cursing at computer when cannot manipulate new software at first attempt. That's the problem when you're used to being able to do things first pop.

DD has just suggested: Try to be less hard on yourself by just relaxing sometimes and thinking that you're good at it.

Can you make some mistakes (or pretend to)?

"oh, silly me I was trying to balance my cheque book and I missed a cheque out - oh well I'll start again, not the end of the world. Actually I was going to have a cup of tea, so I'll do that first even though this isn't right. We don't have to be right all the time."

I have some perfectionist students, but their focus is always on the notes and rhythms, not their tone or phrasing or how generally pleasing the piece is to listen to. I complement anything I can find that doesn't fit their own personal idea of what perfection is and they say "but i played a B flat wrong" and I reassure them that everyone plays notes wrong, but what makes performances special is them being exciting.

Hopefully some of that is transferable.

Thanks Sue and apologies if your daughter had to read my later post but I was a bit cross!

I was discussing with a friend this morning who quite righty said but DD is fine isn't she. This is just how she is and SHE will need to learn coping strategies herself. And she might not.

The only person who has an issue at the moment is me and I suppose I am in danger of making it a bigger thing than it really is. Said wise friend also suggested that if this is what shen enjoys doing then let her and supply the tools and time to allow it to happen in the same way you would if her interests lay in drawing or knitting or footbal for example, why isn't it valid to want to read all the time rather than ran about daft. She is of course quite right.

Bobbybob I am sure your approach will transfer wonderfully thanks to you as well.

Oops Sue I forgot to pass my thanks onto your daugher too!

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Thanks Orinoco if I find a way to handle it I will let you know .

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