Hi newbie here - stressed out DD

[lookbutdonttouch]

Hi I am new here - just joined today, I have lurked a little...

I have one DD who will be taking the entrance exams for the grammar schools in Trafford this Autumn. Yes we are tutoring and God its hard.

She is very bright but very sensitive and any criticism (constructive from the tutor) or mark below 80% and she feels like a failure. I dont know what to do to help!

She is on the gifted and talented thing at school although that doesnt seem to mean anything.

Her nerves are the problem and could well scupper her chances.

Very tempted to forget the whole thing and send her to Knutsford.

Not actually sure what help you lovely lot can provide but I needed to put it somewhere!

Thank you and hello.

Welcome - I only have second hand knowledge of tutoring and the GS system but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I have a very wise friend who firmly believes that good children will do well wherever they go with the right support - from the school, their peers but most importantly their family.

One of the issues of tutoring is that it can be self-fulfilling cycle - the DCs are tutored to get in, whereas without it they are not GS standard; and once in, need continual tutoring in order to keep up with their peers.

If your DD is so unhappy about it then I would be tempted to give her the choice as to whether she continues through the process.

You've still got time, so I'd go steady on the pressure. If she's already doing well enough to pass(?) then she shouldn't have to do much more with the tutor - what does he/she think about her chances? I think it's probably a girl thing too. Boys often far too laid back. Is it a girls GS?

What's in Knutsford - a good or bad school?!

I agree with Cameron. DCs really are a product of their parents. My youngest is going to local good comp in Sept, but encouraging him to keep up his music and start at a local drama club to help with the extras schools either don't provide or don't always encourage enough. The drama thing because it's a great sociable, confidence-building for boys' older friends who go there, (eg some are going to Edinburgh fringe this summer).

Make sure that the tutoring isn't placed as important or the focus of her attention, you really need to boast her confidence and assure her that while going to the good school is great, you'll be happy and she'll do just as well at Knutsford. No pressure at all, even consider not giving her a grade on work.

Make sure you spend lots of time with her away from the process.

I don?t know the system in Cheshire or how competetive the 11+ is around you, but we were in a similar position last year. Dd has now been offered a place at a highly competitive selective school, all children are different but I can tell you how we coped if it will help...

Dd is a perfectionist, so we went easy with the preparation. She was easily capable of doing everything she needed to do if we kept the pressure off. We prepared in a slow low key way over about 6 months ? filling in the gaps in her maths for example by introducing new concepts in fun ways on the back of an envelope when she was not tired (things like percentages and adding fractions that she hadn?t covered at school at that point). I looked at past papers and we worked through similar problems to those in the papers together without her being aware they were based on past papers. I didn?t show her papers until she was confident with the sort of problems so she didn?t panic. For VR and NVR she had the Bond 10 minute tests in the car as puzzles to do for fun. All the way through we kept the pressure to a minimum, made it fun, and stressed that it didn?t matter if she didn?t get in. As her confidence grew she became more motivated to prepare herself and spend time practicing things she felt that she found hard. The hardest thing for me was not panicking when I heard how other parents were tutoring. I just had to keep reminding myself that there are other ways of preparing.

well aren't you lot lovely! Thank you for the replies.

I am happy that she has GS ability already, I really dont think that if she got in she would struggle. It is def more a case of panicking when presented with 'test' situation and, tell her it is timed and eek.

I have had a word with the tutor (who is lovely) and explained the latest and he has backed off, upped the praise and is working on the confidence. He said he was pushing her as he knows she can do it. He also said that the bright ones with perfectionist tendencies do tend to struggle in test situations....

I have said to DD that it doesnt matter in the slightest, we would like her to do her best, we will look at ALL the schools and just take it as it comes and that we are so proud of her anyway and for trying etc. However no matter what we say the response is always 'you are my mum you have to be proud of me'.

Knutsford is a lovely school, it has all the extra-curricular stuff, music and a theatre which she would love but it isnt as good academically. DD would have to travel there rather than walk to the GS too!

Love your suggestions rememberingautumn, if you dont mind I will wrap her in brown paper after school and post her to you til September?

Thank you all - this helps!

Your daughter sounds a bit like mine, anything less than an A* makes her feel an abject failure. Although she attends a grammar school and achieves excellent marks, I can't help feeling that she might have been happier and more relaxed in a more academically mixed enviroment.