parents evening just for us !

[shades1]

after last weeks episode of being called in to see the head teacher as my DS had swore at another child, I have been to pick him up tonight and asked by the teacher to come in, they are having parents evening after half term, however they want us to come in on another night as we need more than 5 minutes.

They have said that he isn't pulling his weight and could do better, and that they have had issues with his behaviour.

I'm really worried - any advice ?

What age is he?

Make the most of the opportunity; find out what is going on at school, and work together to see what you can do. It is very very natural to feel defensive about your ds, but please don't be. Make sure you stress to the school that you want to work together with them to sort it out.

(I have been through all this a few years ago with my ds1 btw. He is now 8 and his teacher told me on Monday that he is sensible, responsible, a model pupil and a joy to have in her class!)

DS2 had a ropey term at the beginning of year1 when he basically was playing up and wouldn't do his work, and the teacher was having a "little chat" with me at the school gate 2 or 3 times every week. We tried him with a home-school record book, which we wrote in and the teacher wrote in every day to help communication, and also whenever possible to stress the positive. It worked really well and transformed his behaviour, and his relationship with his teacher. He is also doing well this year with his new teacher.

Hope your meeting is positive and helpful.

He's 5 and just started year one, he had an up and down year in reception and we worked with the school with a reward chart, which they only kept up for one week.

I'm worried that he's now got a reputation and it's easy to blame him, he tells me that the others are too quick and don't get caught, he admits to being involved - he told me of an incident the other day where he wasn't there and still got blamed and told to go to the teacher by another child.

DH says take it as it comes and see what happens, but I am seriously worried, I'm even begining to wonder if he needs some counselling or other help - I can't believe I'm even saying that, he's only 5 and is mildly naughty at home, I've seen much much worse outside

Hmm... Please try to focus on his behaviour, not that of other children. I know it is difficult. But if his behaviour is not acceptable, that's what you and the school need to be working on; not what other children may or may not be doing.

Honestly, I do know what this is like. But I have seen people go through this - parents and teachers - and often the problem is not resolved. When there were difficulties at school with both of our boys, we accepted the situation as the school described it, and worked together with them, and as I mentioned earlier they both came through it and are now well and truly out the other side.

If your son suspects any discrepancy between your view and the school's view it could make things worse. And if the school suspect you are being defensive and protective, they may react negatively as well.

Oh, just another thought that might help. When ds1 was in constant trouble at school we did a deal with the teacher.

School would address any issues arising in school, including any punishment/negative consequences necessary.
We would not punish further at home.
BUT in order to ensure that ds1 knew that we knew exactly what was going on, his teacher would keep me informed on a daily basis of any incidents.

I know this is an awful thing to go through, and I do feel for you. But I want to encourage you that if you and the school approach it in a positive manner problems in yr1 really can be turned around completely.

HTH

Thanks Roisin,

how did you deal with the "but so and so does this" - I'm finding I'm sounding more and more like my mum, I've just about stopped myself from saying - "would you put your hand in the fire if so and so did" - will the teachers help us with that too ?

thanks for sharing, I'd begun to feel like a real failure as a parent, my DS's don't have any grand parents, all have died, so I don't have the benefit of talking to others with experience other than MN

I think it's positive of the school to be taking special steps to help your DS and not trying to sort it in a standard 5min slot. As Roisin says, make the most of the opportunity.

Shades, you're not a failure as a parent, if you were, you wouldn't be on here desperate for advice or worrying yourself sick about his welfare.
Just because your child goes through a difficult time, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

Shades - I do know how awful it is when your kids get in trouble at school. I remember one particular week when I cried basically all day, and then hardly slept at all at night, because I was so worried about ds1. Thinking of you!

You asked how I handle reports about other children's behaviour - the answer is I stonewall I'm afraid, and keep repeating about his misdemeanors. For example:
Me: Mrs Smith tells me you hit a child in the playground today. Is that right?
Him: Yes, but Jamie was doing it too.
Me: I'm not interested in what Jamie was doing. Did you hit someone in the playround?
Him: Yes, but Lewis told me to do it.
Me: I don't care what Lewis was doing ds1. I want to know what you were doing. You hit someone in the playground, didn't you?
Him: Yes, but I wasn't the only one.
Me: Ds1, you hit someone in the playground, and that was a wrong thing to do, wasn't it?
Him: Yes
Me: And as a consequence you were sent to see the Headteacher weren't you?
Him: Yes
Me: How did it make you feel being sent to the Headteacher ...?
Etc., etc.

If you just completely ignore the comments about other children's behaviour, and concentrate on their individual behaviour and the fact that it was unacceptable, and keep repeating yourself ad nauseum until they give in, you usually get there in the end. The thing to focus on is the fact that what he did was wrong - there may be some reasoning/explanation behind it, but no matter what it is it doesn't excuse his behaviour, so it's better just to focus on the unacceptability of his behaviour first. Then if possible move on to talk about how in future he can prevent himself behaving badly - but always trying to focus on him and his responsibility for his actions, rather than getting side-tracked into tales of other children's involvement or influence.

HTH

Thanks roisin, it does, that's what we've been doing with him.

I feel more positive about our parents evening I just hope that they're coming at it from a positive angle, "here's a boy who's bright and if nipped in the bud can be an excellent pupil" angle and not "your boy is badly behaved and what are you going to do about it"

We got the letter yesterday confirming the appointment and it's as much about his targets, although I know they want to discuss his behaviour too.

I've got an imaginary voice matched with your name now keeping me focussed on the positiveness of this. Will let you know how it goes after Wednesday.

on another point he seems to have reverted in his comfort too, he used to play with my hair for comfort but stopped about 18 months ago - he's started to do it again this week - hope it doesn't mean anything.

Hope it goes really well for you, and it is a positive meeting, and a real turning point for all concerned.

I've got a very busy week at work next week, so may not be on much. But I will be thinking of you on Wednesday.

How did it go Shades?

well we went and I was worried about absolutely nothing, his teachers obviously care very much about him, it was a wonderfully positive experience.

What they wanted to discuss with us is that he is very quiet in class, something that came as quite a shock, and they recognise that he is obviously very bright but for some reason won't work for them, and isn't very good at working independently.

for example today he was sitting on the mat with 3 other children to read thier books, he wouldn't read in front of others but quite happily read with the teacher at play time.

We think it might be because he doesn't like to get things wrong, he can be quite a perfectionist, he might need his confidence building as he responds very well to praise, they actually said he looks sad as if he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders in class, but outside is very bright and bubbly.

Plan of action is a reward chart to be brought home from school at the end of the week that will tell us how well he's done, in his efforts in class, to work independently and to not distract others.

fingers crossed

Oh that's great. I am really pleased for you.
Sounds like really good school and teacher.

Thanks for the update.