How can I help dd become more confident in large group situations?

[beatie]

I got no responses to this on the Behaviour/Development section so I'm copying it here

My dd is almost 3. She's a lovely little girl ~ kind, considerate, has lots of empathy and a nice nature. She's bright, independent, active, bossy and wilful too. So, pretty much your normal 3 year old.

I visited her new Pre-school yesterday for a 'how she's settling in' chat with the Prinicpal. She's delighted by dd, for all the above reasons and dd has settled in well and made friends. All the other children, including the older ones, like her and want her in their groups.

The only thing my dd doesn't do is singing. She won't join in the group singing, in yet she knows all the words to the new songs and sings loads at home.

She went to a different nursery last year and when I had an end of year meeting with dd's keyworker, I got a similar report. They loved dd and were delighted with her. The only negative was that she would not answer questions, addressed by the teacher, when the children were sat in a large group. She was fine in a small group setting.

DD is shy around starnge adults and especially men. I'm not overly concerned by this as dd gets on great with other children and this is more important to her for the next decade. But, I was a shy child. I did not have trouble making friends and enjoyed school for the most part but I hated to do any oral presentations or to answer questions in front of the whole class. I'm worried that DD is destined to go down the same road - even though she currently appears to be more outgoing and independent than I was at that age.

Is there anyway to help her with, what I can only think to label 'performance anxiety'? I try not to treat dd like a precious shy, child and we go out a lot and mix with different people and children. Would it be useful to get her involved in drama or dance from a young age?

I hate to think of her suffering through school the same way I did - dreading the days when I had to speak in front of the class. As our working world has become more communication orientated, I realise that dd will probably be expected to do this kind of thing from a much younger age. I would hate for her to feel like this 'fear' overides all her positive qualities, which should otherwise make her successful at school.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm just interested in others opinions. I'm not dwelling on this hugely.... just giving it a moment's consideration.

Beatie, you could be describing my 7 year old dd. My both my dh and I are quite shy and therefore have given a double dose to my poor dd. I don't have any answers for you, except to say my dd's confidence in group situations has improved greatly over time - she wouldn't even read to her teacher in a one to one situation when she was in reception and refused to take part in the school play in year one as she thought she was going to fall off the stage! She is now in year 3 and her confidence has rocketed in the last year or so and she loves taking part in "show and tell" at school and loves her new teacher, who is male, which would have freaked her out before. HTH

Beatie. We have gone through a similar experience with our DD. When she was in nursery her teacher told me how quiet she was. I couldn't believe it as she is really confident at home and with her friends and family. I felt like I wanted to take a video in of DD to show the teacher what she is really like.

When she went into reception, her new teacher also described her as very quiet and said she never, ever contributes in show and tell etc. In fact she knew very little about DD at all as she rarely shared anything about herself.

Teacher and I agreed that maybe once a week I would sent a note with something that DD could tell, and teacher sort of introduced her like "I think xxxxx has been somewhere at the weekend haven't you xxxxx? This gradually helped to draw her out of herself.

DD is 6 now and in year 2. She still has a "home" side to her which is very different to the side she shows at school but she now takes part in show and tell and is much more active in class discussions. She still prefers to be in a smaller group but is gaining confidence speaking in a large group- something I find difficult myself.

Because she isn't "in your face" bossy and loud she is the most popular girl in her class (according to her best friend).

I'd try not to worry too much about your DD, Beatie. I just praised my DD every time I heard she'd contributed in class and her confidence is growing all the time.

Thanks for your replies.

DD has been to 3 nurseries now, two whilst I was studying and this 3rd one is a sessional pre-school. She has pretty much being favoured at all 3 of them.... but nursery has a ratio of 1:3 and then 1:6 and the teachers/staff are able to take the time to get to know dd. School is not going to be the same and I am afraid that the teacher won't get to know all her good points and will just see a quiet little girl.

I like the idea that you suggested about speaking to the teacher and passing her a note so the teacher can help prompt your dd. I think that it is probably better to gently encourage children to speak in front of a class when they are young and can get used to it (without the teenage inhibitions thrown in) and better at it as they grow up.

Funnily enough, despite my childhood fear of men, two of my favourite primary teachers were the two male teachers I had.

I'm empathising rather than helping, I'm afraid...but my dd, 7, does a runner from group situations which are new to her; she's OK at school, where everything's familiar, but I'm having to help out at Brownies or she won't go. If you want to put the fear of God into my dd, just say 'Camp Beaumont'. She recently saw me looking at a school noticeboard, and asked - face like thunder - 'Why were you looking at that notice about after-school clubs?'

In general, we indulge her, and hold her hand till she feels better about the activity.