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Original poster

DD (4.5) crying all the way to school every morning, how would you handle it ......

20 replies

sandyballs · 12/10/2005 13:03

...... I've tried calm, ignoring her protests that she doesn't like it.

I've tried angry (like this morning ).

I've tried talking to her about anything that might be worrying her. Her responses range from missing her twin sister who is in another class, to missing me, to the fact that another boy in her class keeps saying she is tall (confused face)!

It's wearing me down, I can't stand another morning like it, while everyone elses kids skip happily into school. The teachers assure me that she is fine two minutes later and when she is picked up she is full of chat about things she has done, so why the big drama in the mornings?

I would be grateful for advice from anyone who has been through the same thing. Another mum sympathised with me this morning and said her son had been the same, when I asked for how long, she said "oh, only 2 years"

OP posts:

kcemum · 12/10/2005 13:24

Your DD an my DD1 could have been singing of the same song sheet, We had this when she first started school (now a big year 6)and it lasted a few weeks,
we overcame this by leaving for school as late as possible without making her late for class so that we didn't spend too much time in the play ground, I also used to totally ignore her and would chatter away non stop so she wouln't be able to get a word in edge ways ( I used to sing sometimes too).

It will get easier in time she just knows which buttons etc to press

Fimbo · 12/10/2005 13:27

Could you arrange to meet up with one of her friends on the way to school? Then she will have someone to walk into class with.

Original poster

sandyballs · 12/10/2005 15:22

Thanks for your replies. I'll try both suggestions.

OP posts:

dizzydo · 12/10/2005 15:26

would a star sheet work, i.e she gets a star every time she goes in without a fuss and at the end of the week, or ten stars or whatever she gets a treat. It might help break the habit. Good luck

zippitippitoads · 12/10/2005 15:29

the other way of looking at it is that she comes out of school happy, it would be much worse if she was crying at the end of the day instead of the beginning..I also think tiredness plays a part

Original poster

sandyballs · 12/10/2005 15:31

She is very tired, absolutely shattered even though she's going to bed quite early. Will try star chart too.

OP posts:

kuoni · 12/10/2005 15:32

Total sympathy. Mine is doing the same
Her reasons are equally as vague, no obvious bullying/problems with teacher etc and comes out of school quite happy. Just finds the getting there bit stressful and anxious.
I think I am making it worse - saying stressy things like "hurry up or we will be late" and "have you got this/that - don?t forget it.." etc making the whole morning routine feel rushed and anxious. As I know that she is likely to play me up, I am uptight, making her worse, worrying I have forgotten lunchbag/reading book/PE kit/sim bag/coat/jumper/library book etc etc etc.
I think I am going to try to destress, get everyone up earlier, loads of praise for getting ready, promise to go in plenty of time so that we can collect conkers on the way etc to see if I can turn it around.
Just sharing my thoughts as maybe your family morning is as rushed and anxious without realising it as well - perhaps it is all making any separation anxiety worse or even causing the problem? Just a thought

spidermama · 12/10/2005 15:33

My dd was really depressed throughout reception. She is now in year two and is over the depression but the best I can say is that she puts up with school.
That's one reason why I believe she'll be better off home with me so I'll soon be home educating.
Radical, I know, but I don't think all children thrive at school.

Original poster

sandyballs · 12/10/2005 15:43

I saw your other threads on home ed Spidermama - good luck with that. It's not an option in our case though, apart from me not knowing where to start, I think both DDs would miss out on the social side of things.

Kuoni - your mornings sound exactly like mine and it probably does make her more anxious, particularly on the 3 days that I work and have to make sure I'm looking reasonable as well them, so even less time. Tomorrow I'm getting up early and am going to try to be more organised. I do get stressed when I'm clock watching in the mornings, so much so that I threatened to throw her dolly in the bin this morning because she was playing with it and not getting dressed

OP posts:

kcemum · 13/10/2005 09:38

How was she this morning?

gingerbabe · 13/10/2005 09:56

Was just about to start a thread on this and noticed yours. Totally empathise becasue I'm having exactly the same problem. DD is just saying to me 'it's just such a long day'. What can you say to that? Teacher says she seems to enjoy herself most of the time but does get a bit tearfyl if her best friend is out of sight. We have tired walking to school with a friend, but as soon as the school gates ar ein sight she starts crying. We are up early, organised, leaving home not too early, not too late, but nothing seems to work. Like you sandyballs I've tried calm, reasurring, tough, but no approach seems to work. Also the other day when we were walking home with another child the other girl said that my daughter cries all the time. I don't want her to be known as the class cry baby and not to have anyone want to be her friend.

Think I will try a fancy reward chart, but any other suggestions very welcome too. Sandyballs, let me know how it goes with yours

Blu · 13/10/2005 09:57

Sandyballs - is this the same dd that was playing up going to bed last night (from your fuming with DH thread?)
Do you think there is a connection? A general increased need for attention as a result of being in school, and a general increase in the 'drama stakes', excacerbated by DH's tendency to misuderstand the importance in consistency?
Sounds like a general 'unsettled' phase with a big 'woe is me' factor - DS, 4 and a bit, is learning to work himself into a heightened melodramatic state of how hard done by he is.

codface · 13/10/2005 09:58

or try getting in earlier so she gets to go in before shcool to see the teascher - mayeb allt he bags coast bit scares her
what dos chool say?

merrygoround · 13/10/2005 10:09

Dd cried too each morning, said she missed me, but was apparently ok after I'd gone. The three things I did were first- totally ignored all general drama queen stuff about not wanting to go to school rather than "feeding" it by giving her a reaction - if she'd said anything specific that would have been different. Second, kept telling MYSELF that school was lovely and that I could trust the teachers to look after dd - it is a really nice place and the teachers are kind - that stopped me from becoming too immersed in depressed thoughts. Third, did a star chart - although I was happy that she seemed to settle ok once I was gone, I didn't want to have to go through the tears every morning. I chose a highly desired reward (a Dora the Explorer video) and told she could not watch it till she got 10 stickers (drew a path and 10 circles to stick the stickers on, let her choose her own stickers) - and she earned one for each "proper" goodbye, even if grudging - a hug and saying goodbye basically.

The moaning has stopped, and now I get a nice goodbye. Good luck, I know how upsetting it is and I know the feeling that you can't take one more morning!

mumfor1sttime · 13/10/2005 10:11

I used to do this to my mum! She used to ignore me! I think it lasted a week or two. I even remember doing it.

aloha · 13/10/2005 10:15

Try asking her what she thinks would help her be happier in the mornings. She might well surprise you and come up with a solution. You could ask her what she thinks would work re the boy (who is clearly teasing her).
You could also try empathising - say that you miss her too and yes, it's sad not to be with her sister (why isn't she btw?) and that it's hard sometimes to be a big girl and go to school every day. Maybe even say that you felt the same sometimes - ime kids love that - then gently point out that everyone has to go to school so can she think of any way of making it bettter? A big cuddle in the morning, a strategy to deal with the boy, a treat at home with her sis at the end of the day?
I remember feeling sad about school and tbh a star chart wouldn't have helped me.

Original poster

sandyballs · 13/10/2005 10:17

Thanks for all your replies guys, some great ideas here. This morning was totally totally different . The best morning in the last 4 weeks. I got myself up half an hour earlier and was showered, dressed and ready before the girls appeared which made me a lot calmer and more organised. Sounds so simple when I read this back . I also didn't mention school at all. On previous mornings I have said things like "oh I bet the teacher can't wait to see you", or "you're going to have such fun today" etc etc. But this morning I chattered away about all sorts but nothing to do with school, and it all went extremely well. A slight wobble of the lip when I actually left her, but nothing like before. I hope it lasts, and I hope all your DDs/DSs improve.

Blu - it is the same DD as the one in my fuming thread! She is a lot more of a drama queen/diva since starting school.

OP posts:

LadyTophamHatt · 13/10/2005 10:21

Ahhh, I went through this with DS1 and it was so frustrating.
I tried everything too, Star charts, Arriving early/late, Sweets, ignoring, threats!, I spoke to the teachers, other mums, you name it I tried it.

In the end it got so bad that I was crying at the school gate because I was so pissed off with it all.

That afternoon when I picked him up he said sorry he upset so much, the next morning he said I'm not going to cry at school anymore and he never has.

You have my smypathy but I don't envy you one bit.

binkie · 13/10/2005 10:30

Can I hijack for therapy purposes? I have just left ds & dd at school - both are easy to leave, that's not the issue - but ds (who's six) has to go on a bus to a different campus and as he's a bit scatterbrained we have an arrangement where I watch him remember to get into the line and into his seat, and then we practice lip-reading ("GOODBYE" "I LOVE YOU TOO"). But this morning I was talking to another mum, and then had to rush off to work, and didn't go by the bus ... and I'm thinking of him left mouthing affectionate things to no-one

(Well done to your dd and you, sandyballs - here's to a happy rest of term.)

Earlybird · 14/10/2005 11:19

sandyballs - fantastic that yesterday was so much better for your dd. How was today? Like you, I find mornings are much easier/relaxed if I'm not rushing around and stressed, so I've taken to getting up earlier too. It makes for a much more pleasant start to the day.

binkie - did your son say anything about missing out yesterday morning? It is unsettling when something interferes with an established routine and it's odd to realise that sometimes I'm the one left feeling a bit bereft when we don't complete our normal farewell "ritual". Maybe the routines are as much for my benefit as dd's!

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