South London School Misery - not my child, me

[abdabs]

My child has been at school a few years now. She's happy. I'm not. Originally I turned up at everything but having had a bad birth, postnatal depression, lost most friends who'd left London, I was not feeling confident, and have felt uneasy with people at school, many of whom I don't find it easy to talk to...little in common with most of them.
I've always felt that I don't 'fit in' at school. (hmm)
Now some untrue gossip has been spread around the school playground - bringing intense misery to me and making the daily drop off and pick off total murder. I start the term trying to be positive - trying to establish relationships with Mums who seem nice, but this term has been dreadful. All my emails attempting coffee dates have been declined/ignored and I've spent most of the first two weeks of term sitting at home looking at walls. I feel very anxious because of this gossip - which is at least embarrassing, at worst highly destructive (depending on where you sit) - and the one woman who's been a 'friend' has suddenly 'switched off' leaving me feeling even worse than if I'd thought I had no friends.
Is this just me? Yes - I guess I am a bit depressed, but I find in the holidays, within a week I'm much happier.
Oh - and yes, my child is losing out. She isn't really being invited to play, and attempts to arrange plays here are being rejected or ignored (you probably think we have the plague, but we don't and I used to think of myself as normal and popular - until school gate time) I'm no spring chicken, I've a lot of life experience, and this is making more miserable than anything in my whole life. Any mature suggestions?

I think you should be trying to make friends who are completely unconnected with school, eg join a choir, a book group, do voluntary work, an evening class. There are lots of other "pools" of people you could try to make friends within.

As to the gossip, it'll be forgotten about eventually, uyou'll just have to weather that storm, I think.

You poor thing, you sound so sad . Firstly as to the gossip, you must absolutely go in there with your head held high. If someone told me a bit of gossip, I'd probably (in honesty) be interested for about 5 minutes and ignore it. Anyone who spends longer salivating over it is not worth worrying about.

Secondly, I agree with the advice to get out and find different friends/interests. The school playground can be incredibly insular and it's easy to overthink its importance. There are loads of other lovely people out there, don't let a minority affect you.

I would consider the same issues for your dd. Outside interests are really healthy and if she's missing out at school will boost her confidence. Anything, a drama group, a sports interest - whatever you think would be good. One of my sons was very isolated at his last school, mostly because we lived a fair distance away - we found karate to be a brilliant confidence booster.

I know it's hard, but you have to think that if you've made the effort and you're still being ignored, then confine yourself to a polite "hello" to the school mums and get yourself out there. Just think of school as the place you drop off and pick up your dd and nothing more.

Thanks both. I just needed to hear that from some objective individuals. I will try.

Change schools. If you aren't happy socially with your child's class mates' parents, your DC is most probably not in the right school for his/her family.

How did you find out about the gossip?

Do you know who the culprit is, and why they would do such a thing?

Just wondering if it is likely to blow over, or if it is a dealbreaker.

Are you involved with volunteering at the school? Sometimes working together on something gives common ground, and alleviates the need to come up with clever conversation. It can give a basis for interacting and relating.

Be head on about the gossip.

E mail your friends say 'I understand that it has been said that this that and the other. This is completely untrue, I'm very upset at the effect it has had, and am looking forward to the whole thing blowing over as I am feeling lonely! Best wishes...'

Can your daughter join Brownies or something that would give her some "out of school" friends? Not being invited out by school friends is not the end of the world, if she's happy enough during the school day. But maybe you could find some friends that she can invite around that have nothing to do with the school environment.

Apart from that, I'd definitely look out for a social circle for you that is not bound up with the school at all. Just because your daughter is there does not mean that your whole life has to revolve around it. And if you don't feel at home there, find somewhere you do.

Have you considered going back to work?

Or volunteering at a different school?

Or do as Bonsoir says and change schools- although your OP is slightly contradictory in that it says your DD is happy, but then that she does not get invited to play. Only move schools if she is unhappy.

I think you're a bit over-invested in the school, tbh

Why not broaden horizons by finding a job, or taking up some fitness club, or finding your DD some hobbies out of school? Because I think you just have to get this schoolgate stuff out of your head

What is the gossip?

I have been doing school pickups/drop-offs for 6 years now and have several friends and many more acquaintances on the school run and have never been offered a juicy bit of gossip about anyone.

Are you quite sure that people are talking about you?

People have incredibly short memories. Otherwise, what pawsandclaws said.

I personally wouldn't move your dd just yet, but I might go and look at some other schools so that I knew what my options were, if it came to that.

My DD1's SW London school pick-up was a bit like this. I now see it was a lot of mums who were in a clique, all a bit right-on and a little suspicious of outsiders unless you could prove you were one of them. I never was, thank goodness, and found peace and freedom in real friends outside of school through Brownies, dancing, etc. DH's job changed and we moved. Children now in different school where it's okay to resist Boden without being castigated. It's such a relief and have found children and me have secured good friends. Not suggesting you make drastic move because of this but just remember, it's just a school gate and while that feels rather all-embracing at the time, it doesn't need to define you and remove your own self-worth.

I would agree with Quattro.

The schoolgate should not be dominating your life. It does not have to be the hinterland for all your friendships.

Try to develop some other interests or even a job.

Well I've always been a drop and run sort of parent. When I've done the school run at all (only average 4/20). Over the years of course I've got to know people quite well, but seriously this level of anxiety over fellow school-parents is not right

I feel confident that this is not a geographically related problem, and could as easily happen in N London or Micronesia.

You poor thing. I think you should forget about making friends at the school and sign your DD up for out-of-school activities like ballet, swimming, brownies etc. and make friends with the mums you meet there. Also, try and go out for walks when your DD is at school to help lift you out of your depression. I do hope you feel better soon. I'm sending you a big cyber hug

Thanks for all your kindness and positive suggestions.
Truth is my child is very happy and the school is good for her needs so I would feel awful moving her.
I need to use some of your suggestions to feel better. I know it has hugely hit my general confidence so starting something else will be hard ... But I will try.

There is another thread about a mother finding it difficult socially at a private school which was interesting as it was pretty similar to my situation.

I think that I hadn't realised how women hang out in 'packs' - and if you are 'different' - for whatever reason, it can be very hard to feel accepted.

Perhaps we need some campaign to make mums think harder about their behaviour in the playground as it is so widespread, feels like bullying and perhaps the perpetrators just don't realise how others feel. I went to a girls school and can't remember anything like this.

Abdabs I know what you mean - I have hated school runs always - thank goodnesss I'm coming to the end of it all now. There is always a huddle of mums bitching at the school-gate because they lead such empty lives and they thrive on the tittle tattle.

I have a neighbour who is the worst - a truly awful woman - who spreads rumours and nasty gossip about people and other mums gravitate to her - I think it's because they're scared they'll be targeted if they don't. So, yes, there will be nice mums there, but I'm afraid it's the school playground mentality that reigns.

You've had some good advice on here, I would say that psychologically the best thing to do would be to detach yourself from the whole thing and find new avenues for making friends.

We live in a small rural village, yet I have not made one single friend from school. There are cliques and I have learned that it is impossible and frankly not worth trying to get into them.

However my children are constantly invited to playdates/etc as they appear to arrange their own - maybe this will happen to your DD too?

I'm sorry you are not enjoying the atmosphere.

However, I do think you need to get away from thinking of these Mums as being in 'packs'. They are just groups of friends with things in common.

My son (5) is a bit nerdy, I suppose (loves Space, Top Gear, meccano etc and probably goes on about them at school a lot) - I have found myself going from chatting to half the class parents to barely managing regular conversation with a handful.

Our school is in NW London and is apparently outstanding

I am actually quite sociable as a person and feel I have a lot of life experience and good conversation to offer. However, if somebody I have been friendly with for the entire duration of ds' life can exclude him from a picnic in the park to which they have invited most of the class (whilst giving out the invitations in front of me), then I simply cannot be arsed to even say hello to those parents tbh.

I do so occasionally, mind you, if we meet face to face or they pass our house and look towards me as I put out the rubbish . However, that's it and neither DS nor I could care less about their play-dates, gossipy little intimacies etc. I have risen above it and actually feel that I have evolved as a parent as a result whilst they remain shackled by their silly little intimacies and need to be validated and accepted within their clique.

Admittedly, I did feel upset about it in the beginning as I felt that DS might be missing out on the social opportunities afforded to DD- I could not understand how well-educated, well-informed grown ups in their 30s and 40s (who work in 'nurturing' fields such as teaching and social care) could actually behave like that. But I grew a thicker skin quite quickly and realised that I was actually better-educated and successful than they were (as well as younger ), so therefore I did not need their validation.

Whilst DD benefits from having a close circle of friends (mainly made at Brownies for the short time she attended), DS does not have the same social needs and expectations.

The London school-gate scene is a strange, strange thing - I personally find that for a multicultural city and barring the odd exception, there is very little real socialising between people of different origins and classes - they stick within their groups (the Brit caucasian 'posh' lefties, the younger chavvy white parents, the Polish mums, Chinese, Indian, Pakistani etc). I sometimes think that most of these parents must live and work in multicultural settings, yet this fails to translate across into improving integration at the school-gate.

I also considered moving very early on. However, as with your child, DS is settled, enjoys going to school so surely that is the most important thing. I do intend to move but it is no longer remotely connected to the attitudes of other class parents.

First time I have posted on here and really thankful for the thoughfulness you have all given this unfortunately common problem. So thanks again.
just met an old school friend who has older girls and she promises that school gate kind of stops soon anyway. My key concern is my child but as my husband says if I'm not happy she's not happy .......mind you, she seems ok at the moment ...I'll keep an eye on it.
Thank you so much all .....