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Original poster

NEW SCHOOL 6 months ago.. how long before dd stops 'grieving' for her lovely old friends?

14 replies

noonar · 14/01/2011 13:21

i am feeling really upset that we have disrupted our dds lives by moving to a new town 12 miles away.

there were financial and other big reasons for moving out of the city and into this lovely semi rural community, so we didnt move on a whim.

but... my nearly 9y0ld dd really, really misses her old friends. she was really popular and well liked at her last school and although she has plenty of new friends,( and invitations to tea/ sleepovers)but she is very much aware that she is not as close and comfortable with them as she was with her last group of friends.

she has had to try quite hard to break into existing friendship groups, which isnt as easy at year 4 as it might be at a younger age. (hence me not worrying quite so much about happy go lucky dd2- age6.5!)

i'm doing everything i can to keep in touch and arrange to meet old friends, but realistically, its several weeks between visits.

how long will it be before the feeling of loss leaves her? i cant bear it when she sleeps with her leaving card (from last sch) under her pillow and, lip trembling, tells us how much she misses them.

have i done a terrible thing, moving them?

OP posts:

birthdaychick · 14/01/2011 13:29

No, of course not. I had a similar situation with dd1 when she started school as she didn't know a soul and all the others seemed to have gone to the same pre-school. All her really good friends from nursery went to different primaries. It took about 12 months possibly a little longer. But honestly she is now fine and never even mentions her old friends. Obviously she's delighted to see them when we all meet up, but it's not an issue any more. Good luck and I would give her a little more time. I moved myself at 13 and it took about a year. Good luck.

Original poster

noonar · 14/01/2011 13:34

birthdaychick, thanks so much. although i am interested in your dd's experience, i actually think your OWN experience at 13 is more relevant in relation to my (very mature nearly 9y0) dd. i think chn of different ages react very differently.

i just cant imagine her forgetting her old friends. she too forgot her nursery friends, but this goes deeper somehow

... not that i want her to forget them. just not to be so sad.

OP posts:

CarrotsAreNotTheOnlyVegetables · 14/01/2011 13:36

6 months is not long. She will settle in soon.

It would be impossible for her to feel as settled with her new friends after such a short time. But it will come, honestly.

I moved at the same age and it did take time, but after about a year I hardly thought about my old friends.

Perhaps a clean break would be best?

sunchild77 · 14/01/2011 13:38

No you've not done a terrible thing. Really, You say yourself that you all will have a better quality of life in the new place.

Personally and I think this will sound Really harsh, But my parents moved from the North of England to North Wales when I was the same age, so I understand how she is feeling. I think you need to encourage her to move on and stop the visits to old friends. I think it makes it harder to adjust if you keep going back. Try the penpals thing. I think once she has lots to occupy her she will gradually start to forget about her old friends. Encourage her new friendships, and tell her that you understand.

Its hard at any age. Does she do Brownies or such like?

notnowbernard · 14/01/2011 13:40

I moved at 8 - so started mid-term, in what would be Y4, I think

I count my closest friends now as being those I met when I started at that school

Original poster

noonar · 14/01/2011 13:44

i just cant stop the visits. itd break her heart. and i made a promise that i would enable her to stay in touch, as she was so distressed at the prospect of moving.

the last visit was mid november, and she has a sleepover/ tea with 3 best friends tomorrow.

she is making new friends, goes to one club with clasmates, been to sleepovers with 3 new friends within first term, so socially things are ok. however, she is still sad at bedtime.

thankyou for posting

OP posts:

exexpat · 14/01/2011 13:47

We moved 6,000 miles when DS was 8 (year 4). He got over it. Though we do go back to visit our old home annually, and he stays in touch with friends through email and facebook.

In your case, though, I think it is possible that since you are just close enough to your old area for more regular visits to be possible, that means she hasn't really 'let go' of the old friendship network. Maybe you should try being too busy for a couple of months to go back and see the old friends - organise lots of weekend things in the new place. I think encouraging the new friendships is generally the way to go, and also talking to her about how it takes a while to feel really close to new friends.

Original poster

noonar · 14/01/2011 13:52

thanks expat. i think so far its been between 4 and 8 weeks between visits. i have been agonising about getting the balance right between staying in touch -as a positive thing- and simply opening up old wounds iyswim.

OP posts:

Emjxxx · 14/01/2011 16:08

It is so so hard when you move, I think girls find it especially hard, my DD was 10 when we moved, yr 6 at school. We moved 100 miles, She had a great bunch of friends and she was heart broken, she soon made new friends, and although 3 years on she is getting on well and has good friends here, she still misses her old friends terribly. She has kept in contact with most via email and FB etc.

I'm not sure my DD will ever stop missing her "old" friends but she has settled fine here now and has some lovely "new" friends, but it did take her a good year to 18 months to settle.

I've never settled and tbh, we're looking at moving back, so I'm very pleased she has kept in touch with her old friends.

Give your DD time, she sounds like she's making an effort to make new friends and is be social so I'm sure she will start to settle soon

Original poster

noonar · 14/01/2011 16:17

oh emj, thats a bit disheartening, in a way. 3 years and still missing them... . if yoy move back, will she miss her new friends, or just be glad to be reuinited with old ones, dyou think?

OP posts:

VivaLeBeaver · 14/01/2011 16:23

DD moved in the May of Yr 3 and I would say it was a year before she began to feel as close to girls at the new school as hte old one. She's now in Yr 5 so has been at this school 2 years in May. She keeps in touch with her friends from her old school.

We're actually moving her back to her old school in Sept for other reasons. She's looking forward to being back with her old friends (especially her best friend, who is still her best friend) but is fretting about missing her friends from the new school .

wishingforcrystalball · 16/01/2011 17:39

My eldest moved school at yr 2 - no problem with leaving friends didn't mention it etc.

She then moved school again at yr 4 - still goes on about these friends, think this was her hardest move.

She then moved school again at yr 7 - talks about old friends but nowhere near like yr 4 friends.

Now is in yr 9.

With hindsight from my experience it seems the hardest move is the one that is not in the natural break of moving schools.

I presume someone did a lot of research into this and that is why schools finish at yr 2, yr 6, yr 8 etc.

I can't offer much advice other than, once they are teenagers and the wonders of FB and MSN, they can be back in lots of contact. DD talks most evenings to her 2nd school group of friends.

FrameyMcFrame · 16/01/2011 21:54

I know how you feel. :(

I have just moved my DD's school, and she is quite unhappy so far. She is also 9 and the reason I moved her was because the chance of a place came up at a better school and I thought it would be good for her. I hope it will be and I know she will do better academically but I hope I haven't disturbed her and upset her too much.

She is also keeping in touch with old friends, about once a fortnight.

I really hope I've done the right thing too.

StataLover · 18/01/2011 20:51

My dd (now 7) has had to deal with a lot of moves - 4 schools in 2 years including a move of country. It has been hard at times and I wish things had been easier but circumstances dictated the moves.

However, she's learnt some very important life skills. Sometimes in life you need to learn to manage change to move on. She's learnt that she can handle change, get through the difficulties and eventually succeed. The hardest move was the last one and it took her 2 terms to really settle down at school. But she's done it - and we make sure she sees it positively as an achievement which it really is.

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