Oh help - think I have mishandled this

[MiaouTheFamiliar]

On Friday we got a letter home from school about dd2's behaviour - apparently she had been messing about on the school bus, at her swimming lesson and in the headteacher's car on the way back to school (as far as I can gather, the bus incident was a week previous). Anyway, after discussing with dd2 it became apparent that at least part of the problem is the other girl in her year who was encouraging her to misbehave. As a result, dh said to dd2, don't play with this girl if it is going to get you into trouble then.

Fast forward to this morning - when dd2 goes to get the school bus, the girl in question says hello, dd2 ignores her and walks on. The girl is (understandably!) upset and can't understand what she has done wrong. I then got the girl's father knocking on my door, saying he was not happy with dd2, who had made his daughter very upset. I said I would talk to dd2 after school today.

10 minutes later, the girl's mum comes down. I know her a little, but not very well. She comes in for a coffee and a chat. She is going to go up to the school at breaktime (in about half an hour) to see if her daughter is ok, and the subtext was that I should go up too to speak to dd2 and tell her not to ignore the girl.

Thing is - there are lots of underlying issues here. Firstly - the headteacher is making a mountain out of a molehill - what they did was not particularly bad (eg they were talking too loudly in the back of her car). Secondly - the girl's parents are constantly at loggerheads with the headteacher over her sending letters home re. behaviour that should really be dealt with in school - and I sense they want to get me in on this now it has happened to dd2, however I want to keep a good relationship with the head. Thirdly - I don't really want dd2 to play with this girl, but feel if I continue to encourage dd2 to not play with her this whole issue will mushroom....argh.

So what should I say to dd2 when I go in at playtime? And what should I say to the head? Help...

She is 6 btw.

well id suggest you go in talk to the head and explain how ou think the problems have started and what you have encouraged dd2 to do (by not playing with the girl) and explain the chats you have had with the parents, maybe talk to the parents again and explain you think the girls egg each other on to behave badly and maybe its best for both if they dont play together. and when you talk to your dd2 explain that she doesnt have to ignor the girl, she can still be polite and say hello, but get her to find different friends to sit and play with. oh and you might want to suggest to the other parents they explain to their dd why your dd2 isnt talking to her so she understands.

if that makes any sense!

thanks stacey - unfortunately it is such a small school that dd2 and this other girl are the only girls in their year - I think the parents feel that if dd2 won't play with their daughter she will have no-one to play with. And tbh I don't think that the daughter is that naughty, I just wouldn't choose her as a friend for dd2 (don't think dd2 would either).

I'm just really annoyed that the teacher has blown this up into such a big issue - it wasn't necessary.

I will say to dd2 what you suggest though, about not ignoring her, but just not playing with her.

schools always seem to make a big deal out of nothing so they dont have to deal with real problems. maybe talk to the head about why she feels the behavior was so innappropriate and what you could say to dd2 to help with the situation. if there arent many girls in the school maybe the head just doesnt understand how little girls are. try and keep it all calm tho theres no need to be worried if the behavior was just normal little girl behavior!

sigh ... I am back. I felt I had to go up to the school at break time as the other girl's mother was going up to speak to her daughter, and I didn't want her to speak to dd2 (not that she would have said anything bad, but I think the whole situation was confusing enough already). So I said to dd2, don't ignore x, but if she is being silly or naughty, then don't play with her. Fine....in the meantime the other mother is arranging with her daughter to ask dd2 round for tea. Argh. Dh is going to go ballistic with me, as I have just gone back on what we agreed (ie that she shouldn't mix with this girl). But I honestly don't see what choice I had, other than seriously upsetting this other family (who are also our neighbours).

I would love to speak to the teacher about her overreaction, stacey, but unfortunately she is one of these people you have to pussyfoot around otherwise she will label us as "troublemakers" - and we will be dealing with her for several years to come yet!

Miaou - poor you, difficult situation this, but don't you think it is even worse now? You have given your DS two contradictory messages - don't play and play with this girl. And asking a 6 year old to decide when her friend is being silly and withdraw from the situation is virtually impossible. How does a 6 year old define 'silly'? And by the time your ds figures out 'silly' behaviour it has already been done, so your ds is already part of it.

Think teachers will be label you ds difficult/trouble, just like her friend................

Sorry - think you should have stuck your ground and not caved in to the requests of other girl's parents.

Spoke to dh and thankfully he felt I had done the right thing. Thing is golden oldie, dd and this girl are the only two girls in their year, the whole school is a total of 15 pupils. On reflection we felt that saying she couldn't play with this girl could lead to bigger problems in the long run (she would pretty soon run out of people to play with).

Dh and I talked to dd last night and said that we think we made a mistake, and that to ignore this other girl was not going to work. I know what you are saying, goldenoldie, re. the silliness - it is difficult for any child to know when it is overstepping the mark - but tbh I think the alternative was that dd2 would be labelled as rude/standoffish/unfriendly - which in a school this size would be just as bad.

There is no ideal solution really!