back to the school agan today - DS saying "I'll kill you....

[mumofthreebeauties]

Apparently my DS has said 5 times since going back to school the phrase "I'll kill you" to different people.

Now his friends all play power rangers, fighting games etc and I just want reassurance that he won't turn into an axe murderer because of this.

Are the school overreacting. Is it just my 5 year old who says these things and what can I do to stop it.

motb

I would imagine that the school are over reacting a bit. Understandably it's not the sort of thing that you want to hear your child say, but I wouldn't get too upset over it, I imagine it's quite typical of 5 year old to say during his playfighting games. Just have a quiet word with your ds explaining how upsetting it might be for other children to hear those words.

ds wqent through a phase of this, he would say "I'm going to punch you". I kept putting him on the naughty step immediately (normally he is allowed three strikes), it didn't last long (although I did find myself very teary everytime he said it, it just sounds so wrong).

School is overreacting - they must get this annually with each new batch of students. DS can become quite wild when playing powerranger type games.

I had something similar with my five year old boy and it really confused me because I'd never seen this side of him at home.
If he is behaving in this way at school it's most likely because something at school has promted it.
Kids say this sort of stuff all the time in the playground. They have older brothers and sisters at school who have been exposed to all sorts of worldly tv and films.
I wouldn't worry at all. It's completely normal.
When something similar happened with my ds I resented being made to worry and feel upset about something which
a) I had no experience of within my domain (home) and no control over.
b) had been prompted by something within the culture of school.
If anything the school is to blame for allowing our young boys to be exposed to this sort of thing.
How can you possibly be expected to deal with hearsay of this nature, completely out of context.
Ooooh! I'd better stop. I feel a rant coming on.

I find myself thinking - what can I say to the school?

Is he the only one?
what do you do when he says it?

Any other ideas. At home he used to say it and I would ask him not to alk like that because it wasn't a nice thing to say.He doesn't realy do it any more.

Spidermama

I think you have summed up how I feel.It is resentment that they are not dealing with it. I have no control over what he says at school. He doesn't say it at home and I wonder if they're now picking up on everything he does just because he's a bit silly at time and they've seen me about that as well.

All I can do is ask him not to do it at school but in fairness he is a follower not a leader and will do what the other boys are doing (including his brother) and that is invariably power rangers and ninjas.

We have recetly stopped them watching channels like Jetix with lots of fighting cartoons on.

motb

Perhaps you could throw the ball back into the school's court by saying...
'Oh dear. He NEVER says anything like this at home. Something at school must be upsetting him or making him frightened if he's behaving like this. Please look out for him and try to work out what's going on, as my hands are tied as I can't be there'.

Obviously, yes, pretty much all 5yo boys play fighting games, so it's not abnormal at all! But there are ways a child could be doing it that aren't so usual - eg saying it unprovoked, or to children outside a fighting game, or saying it and not appearing to care if the other child is upset by it. (I'm not saying your ds is doing it that way - those are just examples.)

On your other thread, lonelymum suggested you ask about how, when, where, he is doing it. I think that is a good idea - &, contrary to the feel of some of the responses below, would strongly recommend you let the teachers talk about it before you say anything about your view. Because even if in the end they are then overreacting, they will see you as a constructive & helpful parent and sorting this will be easier all round.

PS I speak from experience (with my ds).

my sons have said this sort of thing loads of times. It doesnt mean anything at that age.

I once heard about a small child who was expelled from nursery for engaging in quite complicated role play with another child, that involved the other child being executed. That was scary.

When I was called in to discuss my son's behavour under similar circumstances last term I was taken completely by surprise as his behaviour at home, and at other peoples' houses, had always been really good.

I was so shocked I just kept apologising and saying I'd have a really serious talk with him to see if we could get to the bottom of it.
(Aparently he had told a girl he was going to kill her and pulled up the skirt of another girl in the playground).

I talked to him, but couldn't really make any more sense of the alleged incident.

Later however he did talk about being teased by girls and didn't want to go to school because the girls were 'horrible' to him.

When the teacher first called me in I assumed my ds must be terrible and displaying notable signs of disfunction - otherwise why on earth would she call me in? I was very upset and couldn't understand it at all.

I was relieved when the summer holidays came. There was still, and remains to this day, absolutely no sign of the behaviour his former teacher described.

I retrospect I'm angry to have been put through this unecessarily. I really felt like a failing parent with a weird problem kid. All for nothing.

I'm all for teachers keeping parents in touch with any difficulties which arise, as there may well be a link to a problem at home. But IME the problem was at school and I felt unjustly blamed.

I have just been to the school and they are going to get the SENCO involved and have a behavioural specialist called in.

Now I'm really panicking.

And I'm even more upset.

I'm really sorry to hear this.
No wonder you're upset. You must feel so helpless because this is all happening outside of your domain.
Would you be able to go into the school and help out? This way you could observe and perhaps work out a bit more about what, if anything, is going on.

Thanks Spidermama

Last week I had to go and see her because he had waved his gloves in peoples faces as they walked in from palytime (he was holding the door open). When she asked him to stop, he didn't. At carpet time she say's it's like he's not listening sometimes. Mainly its the combination of not doing as he's told (she tells me all the other children do as they are told after about the second time - DT doesn;t.). This along with teling other children he will kill them has led her to call in the SENCo.

I haveto say, I am devastated. I will offer to go in and help to see how disruptive he is compared to others and how she handles him.

motb

Good luck.
Try not to worry too much.
It sounds like you're responding brilliantly and doing everything right.