anxious of 'private parents'

[CaptainSquidBones]

We are being forced to put DS down for a local private school as there is a very high likelihood that he wont get into any state primary. Financially this is a big stretch for us.
Although we have chosen a fairly small independent school I am getting anxious about DS and us as parents feeling like fish-out-of-water as we are comfortable but not wealthy people . I am worried about being looked down on and feeling out of our depth socailly and financially.
Does anyone know what I mean?

captainsquidbones - we were in exactly your position when DD started school and were forced to go private.

I raised this here on MN a while ago and got the same incredulous response as you did from some posters here.

yes, some LEAs DO leave some DCs with no school offer AT ALL and yes, they do have a legal resposibility to offer a place but it is up to the parents to enforce this. It all takes time and meanwhile DCs are left without any schooling.

This was 7 years ago in our case and the situation in our LEA is definitelt no better, if anything it is worse.

However, DD has thrived and I have come across very few instances of snobbery amongst the parents.

In fact, the wealthiest have been the friendliest and most down to earth in most cases.

If you are friendly and invite Dcs friends round and do not expect any snobbery you will encounter very little.

Most people do not care how much money you have or how big your house is. They only care how friendly you are.

I had massive misgivings before I sent DC private.
DH and I have the money but we are both from working class backgrounds. I thought everyone would be super snobby/right wing/landed gentry.

I was so so wrong.

The parents are a mixed bunch. And a good bunch. It has been the best thing we ever did.

Cyp has it: they're just people.

Ds is at prep. We're comfortable but not wealthy. Some of the boys' parent are very rich ("Mummy, Harry's house has a chapel in it"); but it is completely irrelevant. People like one another or not on exactly the same basis as at any other school.

Just relax about it

Just to echo other posters, parents in independant schools are just parents...normal people. Yes, you may find the odd snob, but you will find them in state school as well.

DD goes to private school and I had the same misgivings as you before she started. I swear I was more nervous the night before her first day than she was! I needn't have worried. The staff are lovely, the parents are lovely, the children are lovely.

As for "fee palpitations" (excellent term, I may nick it for daily use), I feel the same, and so do several parents who talk openly of the struggle to meet fees every term. I (and several others) look at the fees on a term by term basis. At the time when we can't pay the fees and family can't help us to tide over, then we pull dd out! It's a bridge we'll cross when we come to it, it doesn't merit developing frown lines on my smooth (!) forehead

I second Lutyens- most parents at DCs schools are just like me!

Be very afraid!

we are not rich, but our two DCs go to a prep school. My DS best friend lives in an 7 bed house but he happily comes over to our 3 bed terraced house for sleepovers! So i wouldnt worry about it

I tried to get my daughter into a state school near us and didn't get in but luckily i had already put her name down for private as it was a 50/50 chance. If you think he won't get in you will need to check there is a place at your local prep as i had DD down at 6 mths old knowing how hard it was to get into schools round here. lots of parents failed to get a space at the prep as it was full and they are particular about not going over a certain amount of children per year group.

In terms of snobbiness, i never found the parents were like that at all, we are all in the same boat. i actually went so far as to say that i was probably the poorest mum in the class as it is sometimes a strain to pay the fees (we are self employed) and since admitting it, lots of mums said they have students to help pay the fees and lodgers and we all confessed to struggling, all because i was brave enough to admit it first. Of course they are a few snooty ones but there would be in state too so if you end up in private go with your head held high as we are doing it for our children after all and it is not a competition.

If the state school situation is like that in your particular area then the liklihood is that the school will be full of children of parents like you - first timers to private with no other real choice.

If you had said to me this time last year my DD would be in private reception class I wouldn't have believed it.

Be yourself, say hello, smile and you will be fine!

To cushion the fees blow you may still be able to get the early years grant (15 hours free - covers all eyfs not just nursery) until term after your child is 5. School may also accept salary sacrifice vouchers eg compushare until term after child 5.

Just to reassure you, we live in a 3 bed semi, ex-council house!!! There are alot of big volvos, bmws and mercs in the car park, but also 'normal' cars too. You are paying the same amount of money as the 'rich' people, so you are just as entitled to be there!! Try to join in and be friendly, and they will like you!

It is scary though! DS very happy at private school though, and I would go through alot to see him remain this happy at school. Good luck!

Yes there is a shortage of primary places in some areas and this is because planning is based on the birthrate and takes no account of families moving into the area. In our LEA there are "blackholes" in some popular areas but the LEA has expanded some schools to address this by adding classrooms. This has not stopped some families being offered places at other schools more than 2 miles away but this is the often the only school place available.

Yes you can apply for private schools as well but it sounds as if you would really prefer a state school and I hope things work out for you.

My DS ended up at a private school for similar (but not identical) reasons to you. We are not poor - but not in the same league financially as many of the other parents. We have never had any problems with the other parents. Of course, I 'click' more with some than others - but everyone is friendly and polite, and DS1 has settled in brilliantly.

I know what you mean about the stomach churning fees. I suggest you start putting the difference between the nursery and school fees into a savings account every month from now. That way it is just another bill and you will have a couple of terms' buffer. You should add on about 10% for extras and fee increases. YOu should also check with the bursar whether the school accepts the early years grant. Children can use this towards private school fees until the term after their 5th birthday.

Private school uniform can be expensive if you buy it new, but I kitted out DS1 for under £50 from the second hand shop and sainsbury's. We even got trainers from the second hand shop. If there is something really peculiar on the list (eg rugby boots for reception at DS1's school ) don't buy them straight away. If your child really needs a lacrosse stick/slippers/ballet shoes with matching tutu, they'll send you a note soon enough...
Incidentally, we didn't buy the rugby boots (DS1 was only a size 7, so they were unobtainable!) and they never needed them!

Just a few thoughts anyhow. Good luck!

In our LEA there is a huge shortage of primary places. Partly because the Tory council allowed thousands of flats to be built and assumed ZERO impact on schooling as "families don't live in flats".

Good luck with your school choice. Bet you fit in just fine.

Actually they do not have to give a school at your catchment area. It happened to us. As long as they give you a school with empty spaces even if it is 2.. 5.. 13 miles away they fulfill their obligation! You can live too far for all local schools, even if they are quite close!

crazymum and Dafodill combine EXACTLY what is going on in our borough! I wish you good luck Captain!

As with anywhere there is a mixture of people and sometimes you fit in and sometimes you don't! My dds go to private school and most of the parents are pretty normal and aware of how lucky they are to be able to afford (or have access to help) to choose the private route. In fact I recently met a group of state parents who were incredibly rich & snobbish, and they made me feel very uncomfortable and totally stupid! I guess I was unlucky as again this is certainly not the norm!!!!
My view is that just be polite, try to help out with the school's PA, bonding over selling cakes and tidying out the library is much easier than at the school gates, and if the parents do prove to be snobbish then hey you have more time to see your other non school friends!

Good luck

Another echo of those who've said the private school parents are just parents. My DCs are at separate prep schools, and the parents are a mixed bag of super-wealthy and scraping around for fees (like us), and everything in between. It really is not a problem.