not sure what to do

[pinkyp]

My 3 year old started nursery in september,he likes going, seems to be doing well etc. He is the youngest in the class as his birthday is late July. Anyway at first he use to play on his own until recently he's started trying to join in with the other boys playing but they tell him to "go away" or push him away etc. They have a play dough table where alot of them sit when there parents drop them off, they wont share playdough with him if there sat there before him. I either ask them to let him play but 9/10 they wont so i'll find something else for my ds to do instead like the sandpit.

We had parents evening last week and the teacher said my ds use to be 'the blamer' where all the kids use to blame him for things but they've watched and the kids often shout the teacher even when my ds is just standing near them so they've had a word with the other children and told them you cant blame someone when they havent done anything -fair enough.

He also said my ds needs to learn to share - i agree and were working on this, and he also needs to join in more with other children. I never thought anything about the joining in comment til i got him - he does try to join in but the others wont let him so its me that finds him something else to do so he doesnt get hurt (they often push him if he keeps being persistant). Yesterday when i dropped him off there were 3 boys playing in the wooden wendy house,my ds wanted to join in as he went to walk in they held the door so he couldnt get in then my ds got his head trapped in the door - i went over and asked the boys to be careful not to trap people in the door and asked if he could play to which they replied "no" and i asked why and they said "we dont like him to play", so i told my ds to find something else to do. I came out in tears (pregnancy hormes dont help). I dont know what to do its ALWAYS something like this everyday, dh says if it carrys on we should move him schools. Its a shame because the school have done alot for him (he has a nut allergy) and at harvest festivel i saw the teacher holding his hand when my ds look at bit overwhelmed (at all the parents being there). The teachers are around but when we first drop them off its 'free play' time which basically kids can play with what they want till the teachers get sorted / all parents have gone.

Iknow it's hard but i think you have to drop and leave and let him and the staff sort this one out. If you are always finding him something else to do he will never learn the skills to do it himself.

I agree why do you think you need to do anything. Let the nursery staff deal with it. Kids at 3 more often and not do not play with each other nor do they know how to share without great reluctance.

Maybe your own anxiety is rubbing off on him. Can your DH drop him off for a few days? Drop him off at the last possible moment or be the first.

I would stop asking the other kids questions too and asking them to share/play with your DS its probably very counterproductive.

If you are not happy with the staff dealing with it change nursery.

Is it just boys then? Maybe your son would prefer a mixed nursery?

Why don't you let your son decide whether to stay at this nursery? I know that it may seem as if a three year old should not make such an important decision, but it's his happiness you are considering, and he's the best person to know.

If you ask him every morning whether he wants to go to nursery or not, you'll soon find out whether he's as upset as you are at the fact he's being left out. Perhaps it isn't a big deal to him, and the positives of nursery outweigh this problem? On the other hand if he doesn't want to go, you can take him out of that nursery and then decide later whether he's better off at home or whether to look for a different nursery.

You can't make the other kids play with him and be nice to him. But he shouldn't have to put up with it if it upsets him either. You can free him from the problem by taking him out of that environment.

He always says he wants to go and that he likes school. I dont mind if some children dont want to play with him, everyone cant be friends but i dont want them to push him / hurt him etc.Also his teachers keep saying he needs to join in more but how can he do this if no one lets him?

i try not to interfear - tbh i wouldnt of spoken to the other children but i was hanging my little boys coat up and he ran off to play (which he always does) and i like to go and say bye to him so he knows i've gone which is when i saw his head getting trapped in the door etc so i HAD to say something.

I didnt know my boy was the blamer til this teacher had said - and he said he spoke to the other children / observed and explained that you can't blame everything on my ds when he hasnt done anything wrong and said this had worked.

Half of me thinks i'm overreacting the other half thinks i'm not.

I completely agree with leanto. I think the nursery need to get to grips with this and not pass it off as your ds's problem. Unless the staff do something to change the situation, your ds doesn't stand a hope in hell of being included by the others. One little three year old can't change the status quo. It's up to the adults in the room to help change the culture and group dynamics.

My dd had a truely horrible year in nursery when she joined a group where there were already well established friendships. She was told constantly to go away and after a while, she gave up asking to join in. She changed from a very sociable, confident and socially skilled child to an anxious, shy loner. It was horrific to watch. I feel VERY bad that I didn't go in and cause much more of a fuss earlier (in the nicest possible way of course). It truely was not her problem (she had absolutely no difficulty in any other social sitatuion), it was a problem of the group dynamic.

If I were you, I would meet with staff, get them to commit to exactly what they are going to do to address the problem, then arrange a time to come back in a week or two's time to see what progress has been made. I think the opportunity to review is vital, because otherwise you may find that staff have so much to think about that strategies to help your ds may get lost.

I would be asking the teachers if any of them have any qualifications or experience, they sound hopeless.
I would drop off early and hang around watching the dynamics of the group, only one teacher needs to be on the door welcoming the rest should already be sorted before you arrive and then interacting with the children.
Do they have the play doh table out every day?? they need to be thinking about meeting every childs needs, and what do you mean they won't share the play doh, you take a bit off little joe blogs saying thank you.
Also stop asking the other children whether your child can play, you are setting yourself up for the answer 'no', try re- phrasing by greeting the boys with a cheery hello and saying that looks like fun.

i've only asked once or twice, in conversation but i'll stop, gonna ask dh to speak to teachers as i know i'll end up in tears (blaming pregnancy lol)