should i change schools???

[trasa]

hello there,
well,where do i start?
my boy is 6 and just started yr 1,
when he was in reception he didnt get on very well,with us been called in lots of time about his behaviour,they put him on an iep,and over all we had a terrible yr,we even had him at the dr,as school thougth he was showing signs of adhd! when we had him assesed for this they were quick to say,no,there is no adhd there at all,hes a normal active brigth little boy,
now that hes started yr 1 it seems to be all happening again,we have been called in twice and the head teacher has said hes not settling at all,is disruptive,wont listen etc,and now hes got a chair in the heads office which he has to go and sit on every time he steps out of line.
over the summer i had a lovely lady come to my houes helping me.giving me parenting advice and tips,over all,its worked really well and our little boy has improved much,
so when the school start calling me in again i was a little shocked,i feel hes never going to get a break there,and that his yr last yr is going to stay with him,
i have discussed this with the head teacher,and she said of course the yr 1 teacher will know about his behaviour from last yr!i feel hes been judged now.should i just take him out of this school,its got me sooo down last yr,and over the summer my confidence rose with lady helping me,since the school called me in its knocked me again,and i dont want my son feeding off that,which is what i think happened last yr..
sorry if i rambled on a bit,i hope you understand all of that,i would like some advice please,x

oh yes,other kids are,yes,when we were called in the other day we were told our boy punched another lad quite hard,because the boy kept rubbing our boys head,the teacher did say to be fair our lad did tell him to stop a few times,i dont want him hitting,but then we were called again on monday and told he hit the same lad again,oz he was rubbing his head again,i just said ill talk to him again about hitting but,if hes been annoied then what can i do?

I taught DS2 that if someone was annoying him/provoking him he should stand with his hands by his sides (so he didn't hit anyone), close his eyes and count to 10, and then tell a teacher if the child was still doing it.

It seemed to work for him.

lol,very good,i will tell him that one!
as for telling the teacher,he never will,everyday i tell him to talk to the teacher,today someone bit him,teacher said he was in the wrong place at the wrong time,and he got bit,i did explain to him thats how it feels when you hit,but you know,he seldom hits,when he was 3 he did,but then came out of it,im sure i will look back at all of this and laugh....i hope!

That sounds really unfair about the head rubbing thing, and i can see why your ds would find it hard to ignore something like that. I did find that a lot of the children, quite understandably, cared a lot more about pleasing their parents than the teacher. If the teacher could just pick up on a positive thing your son does, big or small, then tell you about it at the end of the day you could then shower him with loads of praise, and he could hopefully see how great it is when he behaves well at school. Also, try to keep it simple, too many charts, marbles, stickers etc might get a bit confusing. I know it's easier said than done though.

I'm so sorry you're having these problems, and it sounds like the school arent being helpful. I would advise you go in, and as confidently as you can say "right, I really want to help my son, and you, and obviously the strategies in place already aren't working. What can we do, let's try and make a plan so we can work together to help him". Or words to that effect. You may have tried doing that lots of times already, but try and insist that you come up with some positive solutions together that you and the teacher are both happy with.

As for the lashing out and hitting thing, it's obviously not something you want to continue into the future, but it is something which many children of that age do sometimes, so don't feel like your ds is the only one who finds it hard to control anger if he is being provoked. I'm sure it is something that will get easier as he gets older, esp if he does not have any add issues.

trasa - it could be that you saw in improvement in your ds's behaviour over the summer because he had lots and lots of attention and as it was the holidays, wasn't being expected to do certain things at certain times. Now he's back at school and having to share the teacher with 30 other kids ... makes a big difference

basildonbond,yes this is ture,he did have lots of mam/dad time and we worked closely with him,so yes,maybe the school having to share etc is a big problem for him,hes an only child too.i suppose if this is the case then its going to be a case of hard learning for him?

Do you feel your son is getting a lot out of school at the moment, so it is worth persisting? If not, then for the time being he might be better off at home, where it seems that you are able to give him the attention he needs.

From the school point of view it does matter whether your son has, say, ADHD or is just a lively boy who will settle down in time. But at home that sort of thing doesn't have to be an issue. You can just respond to the child you see before you. If you sense that you are asking too much or too little of him then you can make adjustments. He can be himself, without having to be made to fit into a system that wasn't designed with his particular needs in mind.

My little girl is Reception-aged and has a metabolic disease which puts her about a year behind her peers in most respects. But this is honestly no big deal at all to us, because she doesn't have to do what other children her age do. She recently potty trained but still has accidents: there's been no stress about that, because the clock wasn't ticking to get her trained for school. She gets tired and needs a nap, which she can have. I doubt she'd sit still for carpet time. That's fine: I don't often have to make her sit still for long. She only scribbles, but that's OK: she'll draw and write when she's ready. For all of this she has needed no special accommodations, no statement, no label, just a mum who knows her well enough to give her what she needs.

Her older sister, who has no special needs, used to enjoy bouncing on a space hopper while I read to her, and hanging upside down from a bar while doing maths. She didn't feel ready to learn to read at four or five so she tackled it when she wanted. Being allowed to do things in her own way didn't cause her any problems later on. When she did go to school she had no difficulty adjusting to school rules and behaving appropriately there. Being that little bit more grown up, it wasn't hard for her to adapt.

I think when children are in an environment which isn't right for them, then no matter how much help they may get to try to conform to it, they will struggle. There is a risk they may get the message that something is wrong with them. It isn't fair to the child.

Would it be an option for you to home educate your son for a year or two? That may be all he needs.

Okay, I do think you may have some parentin issues, but you do seem to be doing your best to deal with them. So the work this lady is doing with you and your son has improved things over the summer, which is great.

What actually worries me most, and no one else seems to have picked up on is: you son has lashed out twice because another boy keep rubbing his head. Yes it was wrong for your son to lash out; BUT has the teacher dealt with the other boy rubbing your sons head? Is she and other adults stepping in to stop your son being provoked?

I would see someone repeatedly rubbing someones head in this way as bullying. Although they are all young, it should still be dealt with. The other boy needs to be aware his behaviour is unacceptable. Other children in the class need to know it is unacceptable for them to deliberately provoke your son.

Do talk to the school about this, and also ask them what strategies they suggest for your son to cope when he is frustrated.

Good luck! And well done for the progress you have made so far.

thank you all for your lovely comments,ill be having a little chat with his teacher this morn to see whats going on and to see if this "new" teacher thinks he sees adhd in him,it was on his 3rd day of school last yr that it was said to me!
i will let you know,
and thank you again.xx

ok!
ive been to the school this morn and had a good chat with the teacher,we talked for an hr in the office,
it was interesting....
he said our boy was sort of starting to settle in yr 1,however,he said he was very hard work,and when he called us in the other day it was because he was at breaking point with him,he said he wanted to put his hands around his neck!!! (he did say this in a jokey way) he said he can sit really well and do his work,but only when he wants to,that he has a very stubborn streak...hence why the red chair in the office has come into light,when he wont comply he has to stay away from the class and sit with the head if he wont work with the class.
the teacher said he is just very hard to deal with and often makes him feel angry,because my lad is answering him back!
he said he listens well untill maybe someone eles says something behind him and then thats it,he lost consentration,he says his reading and writing are very good but mite lag behind because he will only do it if he wants to,and he shouts across to the teacher "im not doing it" teacher says he gets this every day,he says he demands adult attention,
i asked what we could do to help,he said maybe back off with the amount of attention he gets at home,altho i dont think we are not over the top with it,
he said hes very awear that others are winding him up and hes watching that,and he also agrees that he has improved since last yr,and that he is just struggling with the new rules and trying to push every button..
so there you are,what do you make of that?i think im fairly happy and agree with most of what he said,im just not sure about giving him less attention,as we both work full time and when we get in,we do tea,eat,maybe t.v,maybe swim,maybe talk,or do stories or games till his bed time.
sorry about my spelling!

I wouldn't have thought giving a child less attention at home would improve their behaviour, quite the reverse!

I am also surprised that a teacher would think it acceptable to tell a parent they got angry with their child. (Teacher's do, but it isn't professional.)

I'd try talking to parent partnership or the lady who helped you with parenting if possible.

Good luck!

i asked what we could do to help,he said maybe back off with the amount of attention he gets at home,altho i dont think we are not over the top with it
what is he smoking, less attention, teachers I know want you to dedicate your every waking hour to each child because they know that children who want negative attention are usually doing so because it's better than nothing, ie they aren't getting enough.
Well I wouldn't be impressed with any of that personally.

i think what the teacher meant was,is that our boy wont complelet,read or write unless theres an adult with him,and im sure thats what he meant by backing off him,when hes very able to do so,he looks for alot of praise! and teacher said its hard when theres other kids in the room that are not so good at reading,writing etc, our lad is demanding all the attention.

I would be welled annoyed with a teacher telling me what to do at home. Surely its his job to deal with things properly at school when your DS is in his care! They seem to be passing the buck slightly here.

If the teacher praised your son when he was paying attention, set small achievable targets and used praise, praise praise, then he would get a far better result without telling you to back off the attention at home.

I have to say that it sounds to me as if this teacher is finding it hard to "connect" with your son and give him any positive input. IS he newly qualified teacher? I would keep on top of this situation and as has been said before get some back up for yourself from someone.

Good luck, you have done a lot to help your son and the school should be being supportive of your efforts, not undermining everything you have done!

GOt to go to work so cant type much. It sounds like the teacher needs support tbh to be able to put into place systems to ensure your child doesnt leave the classroom. Going to the head should be a last resort not a regular occurence. I would ask for a behaviour book - home/school book, in which the teacher writes in every day and it goes home each night recording the type of day he has had. Useful for spotting patterns in your child and looking at teh way it's been dealt with by school. Also to put into perspective the good behaviour compared to bad.

I meant support from senior and more experienced staff.

i like the idea of the behaviour book,i will mention this to teacher when i see him on monday,at least that way i have a good idea,i think ive also decided to have a day in class if they allow that,im sure it wont be a problem.

Hi Trasa, how is it going?

We live in Cyprus and our son who was at a great Montessori nursery has been refusing to go to primary school.
We prepared all summer for him to go to the state school and the first 2 days were ok, after that he didnt want to go and by the 3rd wk he was kicking, screaming and crying from not wanting to be left.
We spent hours with him til he would stay and on 2 occassions we both left him by force, which acheived nothing and i believe just made the situation worse and our son more insecure and unhappy.
The school brought in the psychologist who just suggested everything we'd tried already but essentially advised us to force him whatever the consequences. As this is against my principles and anything he had learned, at home or previous schooling, we have gone for the only other option to send him to the private school where his dad teaches.
While the classes are smaller, only 11 kids!, he is still not accepting it and after a week he still wont stay in the class without us with him.

Like your case he is an only child, and has had alot of attention from both parents since he was born as we are both home during the day(i work from home).
He is a very sensitive and extremely shy, yet bright and his learning ahead of most kids his age. He also says school is boring and that its too easy, that he wants a member of family there with him, that they dont have toys, he is tired, doesnt want to write all the time... I dont blame him, and while I didnt dislike primary school, i cant say i see the benefit of it now that i am a parent with a son who doesnt want, or need, to fit into the system...

The director of his nursery admits that he preferred playing with other kids on a one to one basis and that it took him a while to settle and join in discussions but that once he gained a trust with the teachers and other kids he was fun and interacted.

In Cyprus HE is ILLEGAL, otherwise I would have taken this road already. If he continues to oppose the school, then I dont know what will happen. It may mean leaving the country and going back to the UK, but his dad is unlikely to leave with us.

So I guess my question is how can you choose between a father or an education? Would temporarily separating a child from their father end up creating emotional stress equal to the trauma of having to conform to the regime of school....

I think it's quite common for boys to be a handful in reception
then start to calm down in year one. I imagine the school is just trying to minimise the disruption he is causing to to other childrens education and also trying to reinforce the boundaries again and again and again. You need to work with the school really untill he falls in line. Seeing he has made a step forward at home is great but try to encourage him to carry this new attitude through into the classroom. Talk to his teacher about the improvement at home and how you made these changes. Maybe you could back up the schools reward charts with an extra reward at home if he does well in school.

nemski,im so sorry to hear of your situation!that is a tough one,i wouldnt like to choose....i do hope things will be ok,unlike your boy,my lad is not at all shy,he is full of it,but you know we are getting there with him,its slowly starting to work out,i hope it will for you,x

ameliemay,thank you for your message,i have indeed been working well with the school,and have the same reward system at the house as they use at the school,i agree that they are all seem to be a handfull in reception,now that my lad is in yr 1 things are slowly getting better,ive had a good two weeks with him,i started my parenting course which is really boosting me,they give us "homework" to do each eve with him,we have to spend a min of 15mins with your child on the floor playing and following there lead,using encourging words like,well done,your playing nicely,your concentrating well,i like when you take turns etc etc.and its working for me,the course tells us we will get more co operation,he will learn to take turns,listen etc,and its working!!!!! yippppeeeee,
i have realized altho i was playing with him i was telling him how to play,put the lego together,etc,our play time is going on for 45mins and its lovely,hes chatting away to me,and only once in 2 weeks he got angry coz play time was up,(i do a count down to end play) we were playing marbles and he threw them hard at me,i am proud of myself tho,i didnt show him my anger,i just told him how sad i was and how he hurt me,he was very sorry that eve,
i know i still have a way to go with him,teacher said on friday they had 1 bad day with him but the rest of the week he done really well,
however at his birthday party yesterday we had 15 children that are in his class at it,and at some point threw the 2hr party at least 10 of the kept coming to me saying my boy bumped into him,shouted,ran,tell tales really! and parents at the party said oh we hear all about his behaviour at school....nice
would that bother you?it has me abit.