Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Prep school mums - do your dc have friends?

27 replies

arizonagirl · 15/09/2010 16:18

Strange question. If your children are at preps do you find that they don't have any real, close friends - inside and outside of school?

My son is at a prep school where the catchment is quite wide and so the children never get to see each other outside of school (apart from parties). As a result, the children seem to be more like acquaintances in school and my son claims to have no real friends - which makes me sad.

Just wondered if this is a common thing for prep students? I'm just worried that he isn't having a normal childhood as I knew it. Thoughts please?

OP posts:

LIZS · 15/09/2010 17:22

Our catchment is wide but a lot of the kids see each other outside school - at sports clubs etc - and playdates are still common if parents are prepared to drive. In fact relatively few are local to us although we must live one of the closest ! dc do local activities too ie. Brownies where they meet local kids attending other schools but not to just go and call on.

Ladymuck · 15/09/2010 17:28

We also have a wide catchment, and there are a number of playdates I would rather avoid because of distance.

But obviously the boys spend plenty of time together at school and at the afterschool activities either with the school or somehow linked eg sports. The only time when ds would otherwise want to see his friends is at the weekend, and we do do sleepovers with some of the boys.

The idea that his classmates are mere acquaintances seems an odd one if he spends 8 or so hours a day together?

marriedtoagoodun · 15/09/2010 17:41

arizonagirl - I know what you mean. We moved to our new school at Easter and so DD had a bedding in period of one term. The school has two classes per year group and deliberately changes the class rosta every year to ensure children learn to mix widely and not to develop very intimate friendships. I can see the rational behind it but my DD would love a 'special' friend. We do have overlap with sports clubs but to be honest everyone is so busy getting from a to b I am sure the children do miss out on normal rowdy friendhsips as they are always somewhere (school or sports centre) where they are expected to conform to certain behavioural standards that are not necessarily the most conducive to making friends. Our school is having a parenting talk soon by a lady that has just written a book called 'making sense of your childrens friendships' centred in ages 7-11. I have just got it out of the library so will be interested to see what she says.

cat64 · 15/09/2010 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

basildonbond · 15/09/2010 18:30

going to the local state school doesn't neccessarily mean that your dc will have loads of local friends

of my 3, all ds1's close friends had moved out of London by the end of y5, leaving him isolated in a class where all the other boys bar one came from a particular religious group (to which ds didn't belong) - his secondary is a 15 min train ride away and only one of his friends lives locally (as does his nemesis, but we try to avoid him ), but his social life is much busier than it used to be at the local school

ds2 on the other hand has a lovely group of friends who he sees all the time - his best friend lives 4 doors down from us and they're always in and out of each others' houses

dd's experience has been similar to ds1's - she was in a group of 4 lovely girls - all of the others moved out of London during the last year leaving her bored, understimulated and with no friends - she's now going to a prep school 15 mins bike ride away and had 2 playdates in the first week

so it very much depends on the particular year group your dc find themselves in ...

pagwatch · 15/09/2010 18:33

yes loads of friends

But how old is your son. When they start the friendships have to be managed by parents.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 15/09/2010 18:35

An interesting question! My DS1 attended the local primary till Y6 and made lots of friends he did and does call on. Now he is at a prep where the 'catchment' is a lot wider and so he doesn't see as much of those new friends as he does the old ones with because it has to be arranged, transport needed etc, whereas with the local ones they can just pop round to people's houses informally ad-hoc and so also know the sibkings, parents, see them in the street, and at out of school activities.

LetsEscape · 15/09/2010 19:03

I have two children at two different preps one has a catchment with everyone living within 2 to 3 miles of school. Its a very sociable place so lots of outside friends but as pagwatch says this was managed initially and parents have to be prepared to collect from after school plays (usually on Fridays).

My other child is at a prep and the catchment is Huge. As he is older he can independently get to several abut nothing is spontaneous but certainly has lots of close friends and sleepovers especially in the holidays are frequent. If he were younger it would have to be heavily managed by parents. Keeping 'out of school' friends and being part of a local club sport and scouts has really helped.

Taji · 15/09/2010 19:33

I agree, I'm not sure that it is the type of school your child attends, rather than the area and propensity of other families to encourage social activities outside school.

My dd is in Y5 and sadly, all of the children that she has ever made friends with have left her (state) school. There is a lot of moving about in London. Her school is one-form entry and she has been left with only a few girls in her class - and she no longer has a special friend.

As she is in Y5 I don't think that there is much I can do except to get on as well as possible with those who are left in the class. However I do fee very sad about the way things have turned out - but it shows you that no matter how you try to plan your child's education, things happen which you don't think of at the outset.

oldienotamoldie · 15/09/2010 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumtolawyer · 15/09/2010 20:31

We are quite a distance from most of the other children at DD's school. However, though playdates are few and far between, this is because we have friends where we live from dance and suchlike.
It works, generally.

BeenBeta · 15/09/2010 20:32

Two DSs at Prep have friends at school. They have a different set outside school from sport/holiday clubs.

PixieOnaLeaf · 15/09/2010 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bigfootbeliever · 16/09/2010 05:45

My DS is good friends with all but one boy in his class. They all live within a 30 minute drive and although weekdays are busy they do see each other / sleepovers etc at weekends and holidays.

He also has other friends from sports he does outside of school.

He's perfectly happy and as Pixie says, it just means more driving.

DancingHippoOnAcid · 16/09/2010 08:52

Both my DCs are at prep schools which they need to catch a bus to. Both have very close friends at school. I do arrange occasional playdates but they have loads of time at school and school arranged after school activities so they spend lots of time together.

They both also have very close friends on our street who go to local state schools. DD has two close friends next door and 4 doors down. Also had until recently another good friend 3 doors down but the family have moved to Hong Kong. DS is best mates with the sister of DDs friend next door (she is his friend NOT his girlfriend as he keeps reminding us! ). They are in and out of each others houses all the time at weekends and holidays.

DD is 11 (yr 6) and DS is 8 (yr 4).

Hve been seriously considering local very good girls comp for DD next year. Both her friends on the street go to it and i think it would be great for her to have more local friends who she can get out and see independently now she is going up to senior school.I think the local friends is more of an issue at this age as younger kids have to be taken to playdates with friends even if they are only a few streets away, but secondary age can go out and meet their friends independently if they are not too far away. They don't want to be ferried around by car at this age. (and parents would rather not do it as well )

pagwatch · 16/09/2010 09:00

perhaps your son has few friends because you ask them and then when they respond to you ...YOU NEVER REPLY

[big fat bugbear]

Original poster

arizonagirl · 16/09/2010 09:43

Oh dear pagwatch - bad morning? Sorry everyone for not replying until now. Only get the chance to get on mumsnet once a day and didn't actually ask the question until late afternoon yesterday. Sorry if I have offended anyone! Got a great but busy old life

Thanks for your great suggestions which have given lots of food for thought. Ds is only five so I guess the friendships will come later. And I think you are all right when you say it is probably a lot to do with management by parents - I probably need to be a bit more proactive. Ladymuck - you are right about it seeming strange calling his current friends acquaintances but that is how it feels. If any of them meet at the gate they just give a quick hello and then walk in separately - not just my ds (now, that would be worrying) but they all seem so parallel. Thanks for also suggesting he joins some out of school clubs - great idea and something I need to get my act together and do

OP posts:

Litchick · 16/09/2010 10:13

When mine were little we always did lots of tea dates.
But I and the other Mums had to arrange them.
The usual format is you collect from school and they pick up from your house.

This drops off when they start getting a lot more clubs and prep.

Litchick · 16/09/2010 10:15

Should add that tgis later stage doesn't let you off the hook. You will have the dreaded Friday sleepover.

Thinking about it, if distance is a problem, make some dates during the holidays - they are always very long lol.

Original poster

arizonagirl · 16/09/2010 10:48

Thanks Litchick, yes, hadn't thought of that - sleep overs - lovely. And I have four dc!!! Food for thought.

OP posts:

pagwatch · 16/09/2010 10:54

Yes yes. Bad morning. Every morning
But you are here now

Tis difficult when they are little. Less so if everyone is in the same boat.
When DS move at one point we were far out and managed that but he had a group of friend who, whilst far from school, were still close together and met up regularly. The net result was that they were meeting and bonding whilst DS and a few others were not. Which sucked a bit.

With DD I tried to keep playdates fairly regular while he was small. It was a pain but I got to make friends with parents and, as he got bigger there was less need as he metthem at rugby practice etc.

Original poster

arizonagirl · 16/09/2010 12:06

Hey, pagwatch - you have made me paranoid now that I am neglecting people and now I am spending too much time on mumsnet. Supposed to be working on MBA due in in two days

Thanks for reply. Think the answer is to get driving more, but really hard when you have four children, five and under

No wonder I look so old these days. Right, conscience cleared - off to get some work done. Promise not to ignore you again for too long

OP posts:

MollieO · 16/09/2010 13:00

Ds has been at pre-prep since reception and is now in yr 2. Loads of school friends. Does out of school activities with them at the weekend - rugby, cricket, golf etc. More than half his year play at the same rugby club so plenty of opportunity to socialise outside school. I work full time so never see parents/children at school and can't facilitate weekday playdates.

Added to this is the fact that the school offers fab wraparound care so there are days that ds and some of his friends are in school from 7.30am to 6.30pm so plenty of time to socialise before and after the main school day too.

pagwatch · 16/09/2010 13:04

oh arizona, it gets easier. I hate the school bus/taxi/home to school transport feeling. I usually only had to get DS2 in car with DS1 but he had huge car aversion. I use to have to hog tie him then he would cry all the way there [sigh]

Good luck with your MBA

Original poster

arizonagirl · 16/09/2010 13:11

pagwatch - thanks for giving me an interesting morning: a 'bah - how rude' reaction to lots of smiles and chuckles. Right, two minutes for lunch...

OP posts:

Flip

1 2