Please advise me as I'm getting in a state - DS not settling at school at all

[twolittlemonkeys]

Bit of background - DS1 was so excited about the idea of going to school - he really loves learning and at 4 is already a geek - he asked for maths books for his birthday - can add, subtract and multiply already and is a free reader. Not saying this to boast, just saying to give you an idea - his main 'hobbies' are number-related activities, reading and playing on the computer!

He wasn't offered a place at a local state school because I didn't put down our catchment school (it's awful) on the form. We didn't get any of our choices and when I phoned the LEA to discuss our options they told me I'd have to look into schools in neighbouring towns as all the primary schools locally are full Anyway whilst all this was going on DS1's kindergarten teacher rang a local prep school and asked if they had a discretionary fund as she had a very bright child who would benefit greatly from the school etc etc... She then phoned and told me that if I was interested I should ring the head to make an appointment. Looked round the school and loved it, DS1 seemed keen, head very impressed with him. 2 teachers from school came to observe him and were also impressed. We were offered a substantial bursary to cover most of the fees so we thought the problem was solved. 5 others from his kindergarten were going so we figured he'd be fine socially too.

Anyway fast-forward to the start of term, DS1 seemed enthusiastic about school. After the first day teacher wanted a word after school. He was point blank refusing to do anything he was asked, ignoring her when she spoke to him etc. She asked me for tips on dealing with him/ motivating him! He brought home some ridiculously easy ORT books - I worry that he isn't being stretched but he was happy enough to read them to me. Day 2 I went in with my list of tips (and his kindergarten teacher's number as she was happy to chat to teacher) During the day he had a couple of tantrums, kicking teacher in the process. Being generally awkward about everything. By Friday things seemed to have calmed down and I was hopeful. Teacher put him in with Yr1 for numeracy, which he enjoyed and was calmer for the remainder of the day. Yesterday was better still - he wouldn't eat any lunch but was generally happier.

Today though, we are back to square one, possibly worse - absolutely distraught - could not get him to go into class. Eventually I left him in the throes of a massive tantrum as teacher said she would deal with him so he didn't see he was getting to me and therefore think he was getting the upper hand. Dammit all the other children are settling and seem so happy and my DS is not only not learning but is really disrupting everyone else - other kids are starting to make comments to their parents about him. :(

I should mention he has a few quirks and OCD type tendencies - we have had him assessed by ed psych, speech therapist etc as we thought he might have Aspergers but the conclusion seemed to be that no diagnosis was needed as his behaviour and interactions etc were fine as long as he was being challenged and given activities to stretch him. I don't know what to do for the best - he's suddenly acting like a terrible 2 all over again (but if anything worse than he ever was as a 2 year old).

Sorry for long post - don't want to reveal things by stealth later on. Would be really grateful for any tips as I'm at my wits' end!

That's excellent news. The battle is halved if the teaching staff are behind you and prepared to look into proper provision, as well as being open to a number of different methods of improving things for him. If he does have ASD then it's at least been picked up on early. Sounds like a good school.

I do feel sorry for you! It would upset me massively if I were his mum. The thing which occurred to me was Home Education as well, although I agree it must be somewhat hellish for the home-educating parent. Or maybe it's not as difficult/wearing as you and I imagine it must be.
The main organisation with all the info on home educating, I think, is Education Otherwise - although you'll find plenty of bumf on the internet. I think home educating parents form networks and possibly some of the burden of teaching your child could be shared with others.
It would probably be helpful to get another opinion about whether your little boy has a degree of autism. A starting point from home might be the Autism test which is on the Embarrassing Bodies website (I think). It's a test for adults really, but probably you could fill in the questions from the viewpoint of your son and see if the outcome gives you a pointer.
Poor, poor you. In the future I am sure you will be very proud of him, but in the meantime it does look as if you've got to tackle lots of challenges with him until he feels more comfortable with large numbers of people and with 'the system'.

He's lucky to have you for a mother, though. You're obviously determined to find out what will work best for him - and I'm sure you shall. Best wishes and fingers crossed. Keep smiling.

Sorry, I have been a pillock. I didn't think the interview had happened, when I wrote the post above, and for some reason I didn't see your piece saying all your worrying was unfounded! So that sounds the best tack all round at the moment - the school is pulling out all the stops and I hope their efforts pay off for him and for you. Keep us all posted, won't you?

He has some traits which sound similar to my son. The best advice I can give is to work out a strategy with the school which you can actibvely support at home. So if the teacher has an incentive system for him, you need to know what it is and ask him how he is doing. No negiative comments if he is not doing well but when there is something positive, lots and lots of praise.

Also, my son does not always understand other children and that they do not think the way that he does. We have spent a lot of time at home teaching him the ways in which other people might perceive situations and how it might be appropriate for him to respond.

If he is frustrated at school, see if you and the teacher can agree another way for him to show his frustration. Eg can he wait until the next break and then tell the teacher he is feeling angry?

Good luck.

Goodness! it sounds like you and your DS are having a bit of a rough time at the moment.

A couple of things to keep in mind - 4 is very young esp. with boys. That's not to say all 4yr old boys aren't 'ready' for school, but that they can lag behind socially.

Whilst your DS does seem to be displaying some fairly classic ASD behaviours, don't get hung up on this until it is actually confirmed. Talk to him and find out from him (as far as possible) what the problem is - too much noise/not enjoying the work etc. Finding coping strategies is important. For example, if he is feeling upset/angry/frustrated then he needs a 'safe' way of dealing with this without resorting to lashing out/tantrums. Some of our ASD students at secondary school do very well on a 'timeout' card scheme. It gives them control in an often confusing and distressing classroom environment.

I really hope you get things sorted - in the long run you might be as well to homeschool him for another year and perhaps try school again when he's older? If he can learn to adapt to doing other subjects/activities other than maths and ICT stuff with you then he will probably be more receptive to co-operation in a school environment.

He might also be picking up on your anxiety about it all which will compound the situation. Try and be as ojective as possible - yes, he's on a subsidised placement and yes, they might ask him to leave. That is not the worst thing that could happen; his happiness is much more important. It might be as well not to talk about school too much when he's home either - just some ideas. good luck.

Well, thought I probably ought to update you. Things improved slightly last week (I was trying with every fibre of my being to be relaxed and super-patient with him!) and on Friday his teacher said he hadn't refused to do anything she'd asked (we went to the play park as a treat after school due to this. However, today he was back to awkward and soiled himself at school though oddly he doesn't seem embarrassed or bothered by this, even though I was!

Am trying not to talk much about school at home, giving him more of a chance to unwind completely. He's very black and white with regard to rules, and we have printed out and laminated a card with basic school rules on so that he has a reminder as to how he should act. I will bear in mind some of the strategies you have all suggested.

Sounds like he's very stressed. I wouldn't worry about stretching him at the moment tbh - I'd aim for him being happy and settled, and not necesserily at that school.
At the age of 4 children still need to play a lot - including very smart ones! In fact, a lot of very smart kids benefit from a more relaxed environment and freedom to learn and explore rather than being ordered about in a very formal, structured classroom environment.

Even if the school and the bursary sound too good to miss, i'd still consider looking elsewhere, at least for the time being.