Do your older children (age 10+) nag YOU to let them do hobbies/activities, or do you nag THEM?

[fluffyhamster]

This has been playing on my mind for a while.

DS1 is 10, nearly 11. He does (IMO) quite a lot of after school activities - plays 2 instruments, goes to scouts, plays tennis/cricket/rugby (depending on season) on a fairly casual basis (i.e. not A team commitment level)

The things is, he never seems very passionate about any of it.

We've just had the usual beginning of term 'do you want to xyz club' discussion and he has said yes again to all of the above.

But it always feels as if I'm pushing because I think it's the 'right thing' to do (to have outside interests/skills).
I feel I should be stepping back more and letting him lead, but I can't see how...I think if I didn't 'force the issue' then he just wouldn't so anything except sit at home, read, play computer games and annoy his brother.

He's not doing these things under duress - once he's doing them all he really enjoys them.

He just seems so, well, lazy and unmotivated really?

I assumed that by this age kids would be chomping at the bit to be 'allowed' to do stuff? I keep telling he how lucky he is to have the option!

Any mums with similar issues?

Depends entirely on personality of child ime: some are suited to organised activities, others are not. Dd (13) who does drama is dying to take up ballet again, but not sure if we can afford it. Otoh little brother (10) has resisted all our attempts to get him involved in anything at all except football.

At the same age, I never wanted to do organised activities, apart from a brief sailing course, which I merely did to be allowed to sail the dinghy on my own, and some music lessons. It was not that I was a lazy or unmotivated child: I simply didn't like being organised by others all the time. Because this was in the 70s it did not cause my parents much angst. I went for walks- it didn't have to be called a rambling club. I took my bike out- didn't have to be part of a club. I read lots- but never supervised by adults. I played football outside the house with my brothers. I wrote stories that I never showed to anyone.

These days I think we have a tendency to only value activities if they are organised by outsiders and paid for. It's not the only way of looking at the world.

I was very interested to see if DD would sign up for anything at her new secondary school where it would be entirely up to her to track it down and arange it.

She has chosen running, netball, LAX, drama and science club. I suspect much is the lure of the new, though, and some may fall by the way side.
Actually, I'll be glad if they do as she already does running and drama out of school, the former at a high level.

She has, though, ditched some of the things she did at prep school..choir and orchestra, which I suspect she did under pressure from her teachers.

It might be a boy/girl thing, or it might just be different personalities. DS (12) was like this - despite my encouragement and suggestions, he wasn't bothered to do any out-of-school activities at all in his last years at primary, and I had to push him to take swimming lessons earlier this year (he went with a friend which helped, and he ended up enjoying them and really wanting to go). But since going on a few PGL type holidays with school he has become very keen on activities like climbing, so has already done one climbing course, has been nagging me to sign him up for another, and has also been asking about kayaking and windsurfing clubs. Oh, and he took up guitar at secondary, and has been practising that without being nagged - guitars are cool, as is his teacher, apparently, so that's OK.

DD (7) has always been keen on trying absolutely everything and does about four different after-school or weekend activities and would sign up for more if I let her.

If he's enjoying what he's doing, that sounds fine, but it's not worth pushing him if he isn't. He may discover something he's passionate about later on.

My DS (10) starts things and then gives up easily and said he wanted to do scouts and then changed his mind when I did all of the arrangements but he has drum lessons and swimming which he really enjoys. Other than that he would rather go out with his friends or go fishing with Grandad. It is up to him really and he has lots of interests that are not organised, which is more like my childhood.

Again my DD (6) would sign up for everything.

I see what you're all saying about 'organised' vs. non-organised activities, but I don't think this is quite the issue with DS - it's more about the fact that he claims to want to do these things, but doesn't seem to get enthusiastic or passionate about them IYSWIM?

With his music, for example, his teacher says he has real talent and potential, but he doesn't seem to be self-motivated to practice unless I 'remind' him .

When he's performed publicly at school etc he gets a buzz from all the praise afterwards, but it doesn't seem to then translate into further practice or desire.

I feel like I am steering his life and interests for him, but I didn't expect to have to do that for him by this age!!

I suppose I'm feeling guilty, and am beginning to convince myself it must be something in the way I've parented which makes him so lacking in ambition to really achieve the best he can?

I know that sounds pushy, but it's not quite like that.

fsmail - yes- it's the 'giving up easily' thing I beat myself up about... perhaps I haven't instilled enough of a 'work hard towards something' ethic in him .

He's very academic, so has never really had to struggle with anything at school.

I may be cynical, but don't think that many 10 y/os would practice an instrument regularly without reminders. I'm sure they are out there, but they're probably the kids who are going to be serious performers, rather than competent amateurs.

If its too much grief hassling him, you could just suggest that he gives up for a bit - if he's genuinely interested, the chances are he'll come back to it later as a teenager when he can play in a band etc and hence have some real motivation to practice. (Speaking here as someone who gave up flute with relief age 11, then became such a keen sax player age 14 that my parents moaned that I practiced too much & it was too noisy )

FluffyHamster - I'd be tempted to tell him he can only take 1 musical instrument and only do 1 sport.

Then either he'll kick up a fuss and you know he really does care - or he won't be bothered and you'll know that these hobbies really aren't for him....

Often kids say what they think you want to hear. So if you say 'do you want to do X' they say 'yes' because they think you want them to.....

Face it, OP, whatever you do it's wrong.

My DS is passionate about his activity. Unfortunately, it is so all-consuming that he doesn't have time for anything else. I am nagging him to take up another activity so it will look good on his CV he won't appear so one-dimensional.

Be grateful that he is doing so many things. He could turn into a Kevin next week - throwing teenage strops and refusing to do anything - and you will look back to this time with rose-tinted spectacles.

He actually only really do only one sport a season, so I'm loathe to threaten to take it away, as it's the only sport outside of school.

The problem with the music is that he was meant to be trying for a music scholarship next year, and actually took up the second instrument for that reason. He was adamant that he wanted to go for it, but now it's down to me to do the nagging to make sure he is ready .
He's quite competitive, and gets when people achieve more than him, but then won't put in the work to do better.
What's frustrating is that he's very, very able, but just sooooooo casual and seemingly non-commital.

He sounds pretty active to me. My 10yo is always keen to do activities (informal and formal) but she dabbles around, she does instruments for a few terms, then maybe choir for a couple of terms. Art and craft she'll always do, at home and in clubs. She likes a bit of kayaking and windsurfing. She cycles and skateboards a lot, but not in any clubs. She will do chess club for half a term, then football for half a term.

I hadn't thought of her as unmotivated at all, that's quite an adult way of looking at a 10 year old's life. My 10yo plays, tries out things, goes to clubs, chills out at home. She's never bored and never needs to have an activity suggested, but she doesn't do anything to a high level on a regular basis. Except woodcraft folk (Like scouts but for hippies). She is deeply committed to that, but that's hardly a skill.

You might be right, Fennel - I hadn't thought about it like that! It's true - he doesn't have to do anything at a 'high' level, dabbling is fine... I suppose when instruments/equipment etc are involved it feels like more of a commitment.

Perhaps I'm trying to relive my own childhood through him . I used to do lots of things and was moderately successful at a few of them (music/drama etc). However I often wish I'd focused more on just one or two and become truly excellent, rather than just a 'jack of all trades'....

I suppose it all came to a head last week, as he was asked if he was going to do his music exam this term and he said 'maybe' and I got frustrated trying to get him to see that he had to make a definite commitment one way or another before we book the exam....

Hmm. ... 10 year old boys.... different species really!

I have got to the point (weary mother emoticom) of insisting on ENTHUSIASM before I part with any cash! Anything less and the activity in question stops at the end of that term.

I also will only pay for things when my DS has done at least a term. He practiced his drums on pots and pans until I knew he was going to keep going.

I have wasted far too much money on equipment for fads like his dusty kick boxing gear and golf clubs.

Sunnydelight, I insisted on regular practice when I was paying for the music lessons, they didn't practise much and so we stopped the lessons. I sort of feel we should have pushed more on the musical instruments but I'm hoping that if they really had a flair for playing instruments they'd have shown it when they did have the lessons.

The dds (10 and 9) are this week begging to join an archery club just set up down the road. There's no lack of enthusiasm for activities, but they didn't have the motivation for daily musical practice without lots of nagging.

We have a nightmare re music lessons: 8yo DD pays for them now out of her pocket money because she won't practise (grrr!). Every other activity she wants to do (6+/week) she is wildly enthusiastic about.

My 10yo DS generally refuses to do anything extracurric., he has the biggest lazy streak on the planet. So I nag him to do something, anything...rather unsuccessfully .

"We have a nightmare re music lessons: 8yo DD pays for them now out of her pocket money because she won't practise (grrr!). "

I don't know anyone with an 8 yr old who makes them pay for their own music lesson. Nor have I ever known any 8 yr old who was keen on practising. At that age, I would expect to sit next to the child and help her through practice, once or twice every day or whenever you have chosen. It's not until they've attained approx Grade 3 level that children feel competent enough to actually enjoy playing an instrument without panicking they've got something wrong; or to be able to play pop tunes or something that will impress their friends.

One of mine dropped extra-curricular stuff aged 12; with another child, I insisted they keep on with one hobby regardless.

Who change the toddler's nappy and breaks up the fistfight between the 10yo and the 6yo while you're sitting and listening to the 8yo's music practice? Oh, and cooks the tea, and answers the phone, and makes the sarnies for next day's lunch, and wipes the mud from the kitchen floor, and loads the dishwasher, and writes down what the letter from school said on the calendar, and...?

No-one said you had to make the tea, make sarnies, clean the kitchen floor, load the dishwasher, write notes etc whilst your 8 yr old does music practice - which might be 20 mins at most. Nappy-changing can be done anywhere, as can jotting up things in a calendar, and the fist-fight: there's no reason it should happen repeatedly in the 20 mins that your child practices. If it was ten minutes practice twice a day, that would avoid an extended period where you felt you had other important tasks to get done. If the tasks came first in the end, your 8 yr old could practice in the immediate vicinity of those. Mine have practised in the room adjoining the kitchen so if I was unable to be right with them, I was listening and within a few steps of coming and having a look at their progress/difficulties and advising them to do repeat that piece or do their scales next or whatever, and at hand to praise them too.

I've got several children and had situations like the one you describe but they are not the norm every day and the point is, aged 8, faced with the challenge of learning an instrument, a child needs some parental support and ideally, presence, to help them with practice. And more so, at that age they shouldn't be charged with the financial tab of learning.

OP - I think your DS sounds completely normal and great! I would say the fact he doesn't protest about it shows he is happy enough. (My DC refuse point blank to do what they don't want to do - which is fine. The message is clear to me!)Maybe your DS hasn't made up his mind yet about what 'fires him up' in life, but he's only 10 and a boy and probably used to being directed, rather than discovering things for himself at this stage. If it was me, I'd ask him if he still wants to do the various activities, or if he would prefer something new and take it from there.

I guess my point is that it would be a very stressful 10 minutes for me if it meant I had to leave my 2yo unsupervised and let whatever other mayhem reign. I'm happy to be in adjoining room, but in previous post you suggested that you would be bolted to a chair right next to them for the full 10 minutes.

I gave DD the choice of giving up (what most other posters here have made happen) or paying for her own lessons; she chose to pay. I can't see how DD's situation is any more shocking than the obvious alternative of not having lessons at all because they can't be arsed to practise .

I have been learning piano for 4 years and am absolutely desperate about making time to practise -- and about practice itself, so I know the desire to play has to come from within (as a child I had no interest in learning). DD can develop an adult interest too if she wants. But it is not important that DD ever learns music.

I am off to practise!

I have to push my DSs pretty much all the time. If I left it up to them, they'd do NOTHING except sit in front of a TV and bicker.

As it happens once I have got them to do things, they actually seem to enjoy them!

Currently DS1 (11) does Scouts (out of area, thus he knows boys from outside school), piano (just passed grade 1 with merit) and archery on Saturdays.

We consider playing a musical instrument to be, like the ability to swim, a bit of a 'life skill'. He's by no means enthusiastic but he is reasonably able; Scouts is just something he does and has done since Beavers- no real fuss, but no happy anticipation either!; archery is the one thing he 'doesn't mind'. He's not sporty, arty or particularly sociable!

DS2 does recorder in school but isn't particularly able; Cubs which he quite likes and archery which again he seems fine about. He'd like to do more football BUT is rather small and gets kicked around rather a lot now that, at 9, it's getting a lot more competitive.

But if I had to get them to show any actual enthusiasm before signing them up each term, they just wouldn't!

I envy you parents who have to restrict activities whilst the DC begs to be allowed to do them!

"I guess my point is that it would be a very stressful 10 minutes for me if it meant I had to leave my 2yo unsupervised and let whatever other mayhem reign. I'm happy to be in adjoining room, but in previous post you suggested that you would be bolted to a chair right next to them for the full 10 minutes.
"

Without sounding unreasonable (I do know that lots of children can cause lots of noise and disturbance), there surely can't be 'mayhem' all the time? I can see that your immediate concern would be the 2 yr old but there must be times when the older sibs could be playing with him for 10 mins or possibly watching something on CBeebies, or doing something quietly next to you whilst your daughter practises. Mostly I did try to sit by my children when they were in the first years of learning an instrument - not every practice but at least some, and popping in from another room for a few minutes at a time, if not. I have one child now doing the very last grades for their instrument and I would still try to find time to listen and help with the discipline of scale-practice (which is hugely complex in Grades 6,7 and 8).

If you have agreed with your daughter about the money, that's your right to settle the matter as you see fit. But I wouldn't have given that as an option. i would have suggested that she either practice with a bit of support from me to get through the hard early stages or give up the instrument. If she's continuing and paying for it herself, it must show she really wants to learn the instrument though so good luck to her.

Hmmmm. Either I give my children way too little pocket money or I have very expensive music teachers.

My DD (12) learns several instruments. She has grade 5 in two of them, grade 4 voice and grade 3 piano. She is currently preparing for grade 5 theory in November. Getting her to practise can sometimes be a nightmare but if she is too stroppy I just smile and say words to the effect of 'yippee, I can save SO much money when I'm not paying for those lessons then....' and she immediately rushes off and practices. Not necessarily with good grace but she does it properly. Other days (esp at the weekend) she gets up early to practise without any prompting from us at all. She really does want to be doing the music stuff. Practise is sometimes inconvenient and like any 12 year old she lets us know. But she is definitely committed.

Her brother and sister......different story. Both play the clarinet, DS is really really good, he's not been playing for a year yet and is already grade 3 standard, but getting him to practise is a constant battle. Once the clarinet is assembled he's fine and will carry on playing well past the minimum time we set, just noodling around, jazz stylee. DD junior was the one who actually wanted to play the clarinet but it isn't working out for her as well as her brother and I think she might choose to give up.

All the DCs do drama and all love it, the oldest DD did give up at my insistence when she went to Grammar school but after much begging in the summer I relented and let her sign up again this term. The youngest DD also does ballet. Again - she adores it.

Basically, apart from DS and his clarinet I don't see a point in shelling out good money if the kids aren't going to appreciate what they are doing, I'd rather find something else they do like or just keep it in the bank. DS's clarinet is the exception for now purely because he has amazed everyone by picking it up so quickly and well and I'm intrigued to see how well he could do if he ever found some motivation.