Going private for secondary if you're not that wealthy (and live in an ex-council house)

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

This is very much a ponder, and there are a few comps that we're also considering (alongside extra help maybe) but anyway...

There's a private school near us that is aparently particularly good with DCs with LDs (ds - Y5 - is dyspraxic). It would cost a big chunk of our salaries, but we could manage it if we made economies. We live in an ex-council house on a council estate.

I have no problem at all with council estates - I've lived on one for years (as a tenant and now as an mortgage slave owner). I like it.

But - we're going to be significantly less well off than the DCs of lawyers and surgeons. We will not be going skiing. There is no room in our garden for a pony.

How do DCs from less well off families fare at private schools? Do they get a hard time?

Now I've started looking into the school, it looks so wonderful. The grounds and the activities and the opportunities. The exam results are great (but then they should be I suppose, it being selective - the entrance exam is another area of as I have no idea what it would entail nor if ds could pass it).

This has tuned into a ramble. But any thoughts much appreciated.

As a dyed in the wool state school user I would say that IMO in general there is far more snobbery directed by state school users towards private sector users than the other way round.

Like the others said you need to check out the school you are interested in. Some private are the preserve of the wealthy and some have a much more mixed intake.

I would check out your state options too.

Another anacdote here is that I went private to a high achieving school with a mixed intake (people are still much wealthier on average though) and I have lifelong friends from school. Though if I think about it they are almost all from wealthier backgrounds than I was. On visiting my house at 11 years old my best friend said to me 'this isn't the sort of road people from private school live on' still we remained friends and she is less of an arse now :)

As others said the extras are generally not included and while skiing holidays and ponies are not the norm (at most schools), music and trips are and will need to be funded in addition to the fees.

I would also consider how far away from your house the school is, I am a little sad I feel so unconnected to the area I actually grew up in, travelling 15 miles to school means my friends were from all over.

Of course lots of these factors are important if you go to the local state option too, depending where you live.

I am a lone parent with 2 boys at a fairly posh public school. The parents are quite a mixed lot. My Ds's have friends from stately homes and others from fairly ordinary backgrounds whose parents are making huge sacrifices to send them there. I fit in reasonably well although I am the only single parent in either of my kids classes.

What I would advise is that before you send your child work out the whole cost over the next few years including all the extras and ask yourself honestly if you can afford to keep him there long term.

IMO there isnt much worse than having to remove a happy child as you can no longer afford the fees and I have seen this happen a few times to parents who split up or lost their jobs.

I was married when we went down the private education route. I am lucky in that I earn a big salary in my own right and I have made the decision that whatever happens I will keep them there until they leave school. The standard of education is very high, my eldest is dyslexic and dyspraxic also and he is thriving. But it is eyewateringly expensive.

Another important think to remember if you have a child with special needs is that a private school has no obligation to educate your child. He could be asked to leave ata any time if the schoold decides that his need are too time consuming, or results lowering for the effort to be worth their while.

So be very sure that the provision he needs is there - and that you can afford any extras, oike laps tops and so on, which are often provided by the LEA for children in State schools.

There are a great many families who do not have surplus funds after sending their dc to private school.

There are equally some stinking rich who send their dc to the local state secondary.

Your dc will meet a range of backgrounds whichever school he goes to.

In your shoes, if you feel that the private school would be better suited for him and your finances can cope then I would go with that.

If not, then save the money and get a private tutor in to help as extra in the state school.

Hi Fio. DS's problem doesn't seem to be severe enough to warrant much intervention

He did have a few sessions with an NHS OT, but provision is really, really patchy - apparently there isn't a paediatric OT in the whole city! Or at least there isn't one for DCs who aren't severely disabled (and I certainly don't begrudge them getting help as they need it more than ds does).

We go to weekly sessions now with a private OT in the next city - I'm just grateful that I can easily cover the fees and have a car to get there.

There is a private school nearby that provides exclusively for DCs with dyslexia, dyspraxia and so on, which we may reconsider (although it only goes up to Y9 iirc).

I'll revisit the Dyspraxia Foundation pages - and reat idea to contact the Parent Partnership organisation - I hadn't even thought of that.

Thank you so much everyone for writing about your experiences. It really has been interesting and I think very valuable.

WRT to funds - dp and I are in pretty secure jobs and can reasonably expect our earnings to increase over the coming years. We are extraordinarily lucky in that respect, particularly these days. Ds is an only and is likely to remain one.

Meant also to say that I read the SN policy booklet from one of the local state schools and was really impressed.

They talk about identifying discrepencies between SATs results and NFER or CAT scores (neither of which I'm familiar with - I need to check these out) and not just helping those who've not reached level 4 by the start of Y7. Perhaps this is the norm - I really need to look into this.

The local comps are all having open evenings in the next few weeks so I shall go and dig.

the only thing i would add is that a lot of fees are paid for by grandparents, rather than parents. So you might find more "ordinary" people than you would expect.

Oh yes, ami. I knew two sisters whose grandma paid their school fees. They lived in a tiny one-bed (that's not a typo) flat, and their mum (single parent) was a nurse. They were delightful - bright, confident annd grounded.

i hink you need to consider the flip side - if you send your DC to state school they could be victimised jsut s much - for he opposite thing - for being from a family that wants them to do well.

Fio - you never know, you might have saved us £80k with your pointers

DC attend indie school and I can honestly say that we do not give a fairy's fart how much cash folk have.

I have great mates who are vair vair posh, but don't have much cash. We on the other hand are common northerners, yet have a bit.

Yesterday I met some Mums from DDs new school and they seemed a mixed bag. One Mumt old me frankly that they were pushing themselves to pay.

However, like others have mentioned, do factor in the dreaded 'extras'.

Edgar, I hear some absolute horror stories from my secondary school teacher friend about the bullying some of her pupils get from their own parents for wanting to do well. They run sessions so that they can do their homework without their parents knowing.

She's in a city the other end of the country, though. I think for the most part the schools here (and their intake) are far more positive about education. Obviously there are exceptions but as a rule I've been impressed at how keen DCs are these days (unlike when I was at school - when "keener" was a favourite insult!).

My parents did consider paying to send my brother to a state school as a boarder because the school i went to would not support his dyspraxia - had he not been given a place after long wrangling with the LEA. Although the school i was to had a very successful SEN department (and this is what the LEA were pushing)- their SEN provision was based largely around teaching kids to read who simply had never been taught, so not appropriate.

also if you fear bullying - the key thing is the schools policy. private or state, any school that tolerates bullying can make life hell for the less confident pupils.

oh yes, there were plenty of unpleasant status obsessed kids (branded trainers, bag, coat...)at the comps i went to...the ones with better discipline were better to go to.

I have a friend from school days who won a 100% bursary to a private day independent school. Her parents were not wealthy at all and lived in a council house, in fact her dad had lost his job and thinking back - they must have been really struggling. She had lots of friends at school - the point is this is not at the forefront of children's minds - I think the difficulty could come if there are lots of extras??