Dealing with an eating disorder

[Monkeyboi]

First time post on here. Recently discovered my 14 y/o daughter was self harming, this lead to a suicide attempt a few days later. In the fall out from this we discovered she had a twiter/ x account. Looking at the profile alot of the talk was about purging and binging along with the SH. Have suspected things for a while, and tried to approach it with her, and got no where. She would go through phases of liking and suddenly disliking foods. There was also food depleting quickly and we were finding wrappers in really random places. She is 1 of 4 so it was always difficult to be certain it was her. I was just wondering if anyone on here has any help and advice how to handle this. Even asking her if she wants dinner or lunch now seems like it could be putting pressure on. I want her to be healthy and happy but I also don't want to exacerbate her feelings. Thanks for reading

BEAT is an excellent resource https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

I am so sorry that you are going through this. We found BEAT very helpful when going through this with our DD. Also this book Skills-based Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder: The New Maudsley Method.

First off, I’m so sorry you and your dd are going through this. There is really a lot going on for her right now. My dd has a very different way of dealing with her ED, so I can only talk in general terms.

Did you take your dd to hospital and are MH services already involved? I am not sure what is going on for you and if a referral has been made to CAMHS. If not, you need to be talking to your GP and getting your dd an urgent referral. I presume as ED is involved, she will be referred to ED services.

I presume the purging is following a binge. People generally purge because they have strong feelings of guilt at what they have eaten. What can happen is that people get locked in a cycle of not eating for several hours, skip meals, then become incredibly hungry and binge, then purge. And then repeat the cycle. Where there is purging behaviours, ED services monitor patients for half an hour after eating and restrict access to the toilet.

The standard treatment for any eating disorder is 3 meals and 3 snacks, so eating every 2-3 hours. This is to keep blood sugars stable and to prevent binging behaviours. I understand that is a big ask, which is why you need urgent professional intervention.

I don’t want to say anything about the self harm and suicide attempt, because I wouldn’t want to give you the wrong information. But maybe someone with experience of dealing with a loved one might.

There is a long standing thread, that is quite active at the moment. Please feel free to join us there as well. You’ll get help from people with more experience than me.

I can also recommend BEAT and the new Maudsley book.

My OH found my DD unresponsive and vomiting. She was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. We were already in contact with CAHMS with regard to the SH. They have a home visit booked in over the weekend. We've had the crisis team around today, and have visits from social all penciled in. We have all the support in place, but DD isn't opening up yet. Everything is met with anger and frustration. We have taken away all her razors and devices. It was the only way to keep her safe. We still don't have a clue what she took when she was found unresponsive. She says she can't remember anything. It's all a bit of a minefield

Also thank you to those who've suggested beat. I've had a look and found some helpful stuff

That sounds horrendous. And I’m glad you have services involved. I hope your dd is doing better today. She won’t be able to feel anything other than anger and frustration right now if she’s restricting her food intake and binging then purging. Her good gut bacteria will be depleted more with the purging, along with essential nutrients and potentially putting her electrolytes out of whack.

Is she going to school atm?

I don’t have any helpful advice for your dd, im so sorry she is going through this. But I just wanted to send hugs as I can imagine how absolutely devastated you must feel.

Suggest it is worth you and perhaps OH too finding someone to talk to, there may be a carers/parents support group at BEAT or even a specialist counsellor. It’s a massive and terrifying responsibility to care for someone with severe MH problems, and you must take care of yourself too as there will be feelings of guilt, fear, anger and despair to be dealt with. You and your OH might really benefit from some expert support so you can be the best use to your dd. 💐

It's honestly impossible to say how she's doing. We have tried so hard to get her to talk and understand how much we love her. All she sees currently is that we have taken everything away and ruined her life. She really isn't our girl atm and it's heartbreaking because I know that's because of this illnesses and I just don't know how to fix it. I'm usually so good at fixing things, but I just don't have a clue with this. She's currently not at school. There's been numerous threats of ending her life, so from a safety pov it's really not safe. We also can't have her having access to her phone with the dangerous and triggering content she's viewing, so even without the threats theres safety issues with her leaving the house

My eldest DD was Bulimic from abt 17, just before she went to Uni. I had not a clue! She presented normal at home - but I was blind to lots of things. She was often eating 3-34bags of crisps and bars of chocolate at a time, and taking them to her bedroom. Other foods as well disappeared. We just assumed she was passing them to friends or taking them to school for lunchbreaks. One day after starting Uni I was working in my study when she and her younger sister appeared at the door, and the younger one said "Mum, DD has something to tell you" and out it all came. I was flabbergasted, confused, not a clue how to respond at all. Fortunately I did not scoff or minimise the situation, nor say stupid things like "just stop doing it". I went to my GP and (despite still being my favourite GP) he said "the NHS doesn't have many resources for people who damage themselves deliberately"!

Basically, she was stuffing huge amounts of rubbish into herself and spewing it up later.

So I found a private consultant and she agreed to come. She complained all the way there that it was a waste of time, said "stop the car cos I am not going", but we did see the man, both separately and together. He was great, to my mind. He gave her little tasks to do that weren't necessarily to do with eating or purging, but she seemed to engage with him.

Unfortunately after two appointments she had to go back to Uni and in Lancaster there were no private Eating Disorder consultants and the NHS waiting list was horrendous. So she saw no-one in the second year of Uni and I worried like hell.

In the third year she had a work placement in Sheffield where we saw a private consultant again - and he was both unpleasant and useless. There were young girls living temporarily in this unit who were clearly very, very ill and I despaired. My wonderful DD was messing up her entire life - and for what? She had no explanation as to why she was doing this. She went back to Uni for her final year and at exam time she begged me to go and stay with her for the exam period and between us she managed to achieve a very high 2:1 degree - but it cost me £2k for the hotel I stayed in!!!

She got a graduate traineeship with a major bank and moved to Sheffield again. She referred herself to the NHS and good fortune shone at last. Her new GP was supportive. A new unit at the hospital had just opened with a young, enthusiastic head, and she got a referral there. To this day neither my DD nor I have a clue what "magic" he performed but she said that he listened to her, seemed to understand rather than ridicule, prescribed and monitored some medication (that altered the dopamine levels in her brain) and bit by tiny bit she improved until one day, about two years later and then aged nearly 24, a light came on in her brain.

Today she is nearly 46, married to a wonderful man, has a good career and two fantastic teenagers to whom she is a marvellous mother. She's still a tad on the skinny side and does have some physical health issues that I wonder if they originated from the damage she was doing to her body back then - but I have no proof of it.

I did find BEAT useful, it was good to get hints and tips when things went wrong and have some support - and give support - from others going through similar.

I hope your DD gets the help she deserves - and be kind to yourself too. I blamed myself at the time, but DD insists that I did nothing wrong.

Sadly you can't just take someone to the hospital if they are suffering from bulimia. There's very little support and a general hospital has zero resources for ED. She would hopefully get a referral to a local service through GP but there will probably be a big waiting list.

I hope she gets help but unfortunately unless weight is dangerous they often don't take it as an urgency.

I imagine mummyoflittledragon was referring to hospital for the suicide attempt/self harm.

It sounds like op has already got urgent help in place but for anyone else reading, it's always worth going to a GP for an ed. Whilst it is true that some areas may have big waiting lists, it's not a given. I would hate to think anyone just wouldn't go because they assume the help isn't there.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to keep her safe.@Monkeyboi. I hope the weekend visit gives you some more help and a path forward.

My DD self harms and she also got extremely angry at my removing scissors and knives, she also felt we were taking everything away from her. You're effectively taking their coping mechanism away. Hopefully CAMHs can help you find healthier ways for her to cope

Yes I was, thanks Weightlossworried.

I was 14 when I started to go on a diet. Somebody forced to eat in my family and it caused me to purge as I saw it on the TV someone doing it and copied. I thought it was a solution.Then in a few months things spiralled and I had an attempt and everything was just overwhelming and I spent some time in a medical ward and started seeing a child psychiatrist. The purging was the catalyst. It happened to me again at 20 and I went onto be diagnosed with severe anorexia. Your child is seeing professionals. I was wondering if your daughter may be neurodiverse. I later went onto be diagnosed with autism and level 2 sensory. and I think those early overwhelming episodes I had where related to the autism diagnosis I have.